Park Junmi

Park Junmi is the Featured Idol of January 2023

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Park Junmi (박준미) is a South Korean rapper under SUN Entertainment. He is a former member of SOLUNEX and had his solo debut with BROADCASTING LIVE FROM THE SPIRAL on June 1st, 2024.

History[]

2004 - 2018: Early Life[]

Park Junmi was born on February 17th, 2004, in Seoul, South Korea. His father is a teacher and his mother owns a small business. He is an only child.
Junmi didn't have many friends as a child, as he was quite shy and reserved. Preferring the company of his parents to other kids, Junmi missed out on developing proper social skills for his age. This became a detriment to him, as he had trouble socializing with his classmates. Junmi never felt like this was a problem though, already finding a friendship within music.
At around age 7, Junmi discovered the art of poetry. While his classmates were playing together, Junmi would be reading books and books of poetry. As he attended an English-Korean school, Junmi was able to read poetry in both languages, providing him plenty of material to go through. As he dove deeper into this interest, Junmi began to write some of his own poetry.
At age 10, Junmi's love for poetry had evolved into an interest in rapping. Junmi began combining his love for music with his poetic abilities, transforming his words into lyrics. At first, Junmi had a lot of trouble learning how to rap, as he was teaching himself rather than learning from someone else. He had the rhythmic ability, but he was struggling to make it sound like rapping rather than talking. Nonetheless, Junmi worked hard at this, dedicating his freetime to the craft. Due to his extreme focus on developing his rapping skill, Junmi eventually honed his skills enough that he considered looking towards a music career.

2018 - 2022: Predebut[]

Read: The Company Sign (2018)

Park Junmi, aged 14, eyes shining bright. The company’s sign looks a bit dull, but that can’t be helped when it’s a company with no artists to its name. Junmi feels short looking up at it. A couple of people, who look to be around his age, push past him to enter the building. Junmi realizes that there’s five minutes until he should be in the audition room. He’d been staring at the sign for 10 minutes.

Junmi only really wanted to take the audition because they promised him artistic freedom. As an aspiring rapper, that’s all Junmi wanted. He realized the other people auditioning were there to become k-pop idols. They were all wearing professional outfits that somehow also looked fine for dancing. Junmi felt weird in his simple white t-shirt and black pants. It was becoming embarrassing, and Junmi felt strange.

The particular audition he was at was split into three rounds. It would start with the whole group learning a dance and performing it in smaller groups, and then some would be accepted into the next round. Those people would then perform a solo performance of whichever discipline they wanted, and then a handful would be accepted into the last round. The last round would be a full performance, with microphones and on a stage and everything. The whole process took over a month and today was only the first day.

By the end of the first week, Junmi had learned what true muscle soreness felt like. He wanted to cry daily, not understanding why he couldn’t get certain steps down. But he didn’t cry. If he cried now, he’d cry during training, and that would be embarrassing.

Junmi doesn’t remember the first performance. He remembers being sent into the evaluation room with a few other trainees and he remembers walking back out into the hallway heaving with every breath. When they told Junmi he had made it past the first round, Junmi wanted to never return to the company building ever again. But he returned the next day.

The second round was less intense than the first round. All Junmi had to do was write a rap and perform it. He had done that many times before. Rapping came as naturally to him as speaking. He wrote a rap about the company’s sign. He memorized the rap and practiced it until he could recite it perfectly. He performed the rap. He saw a staff member cry when he was performing. Junmi threw away the lyric sheet and he never bothered to remember the lyrics after that. The lyrics still follow Junmi around.

Junmi didn’t feel any change between the second round and the last round. He didn’t feel much emotion when he was told he passed the second round. He didn’t really know the other people still in the audition. It was him against the world, or in this case, the company? The other people in the audition? Junmi took his part in the last round performance very seriously.

Junmi was one of three people who passed the audition. Junmi didn’t feel like a trainee.

Read: My Feelings (2018 - 2021)

Minhui-sunbaenim was too kind to Junmi. He looked at her and saw a girl who was struggling and gave everyone her love. Junmi thought she was like a princess. It was weird when Minhui-sunbaenim stopped hanging out with him. Minhui-sunbaenim stopped hanging out with everyone. Junmi knew Minhui-sunbaenim’s voice wasn’t at its best, but he didn’t know why she was distancing herself from him.

The two had met on Junmi’s first day of being a trainee. Minhui-sunbaenim was the first person to talk to him out of the trainees. Junmi appreciated it. But now, a few months later, and she was acting like they were never friends. Junmi hoped it wasn’t his fault.

Junmi could be cold sometimes. He cared too much of what other people thought about him, and he would put up walls to avoid that. Maybe he wasn’t a good friend either. He would spend a lot of time with Minhui-sunbaenim, share snacks with her, and listen to her talk. He didn’t ever feel like a bad friend. He wasn’t really friends with many other people. He felt like Minhui-sunbaenim understood him. Maybe he relied too much on Minhui-sunbaenim, and maybe she felt burdened having to hang out with him.

Maybe Junmi was just a burden. Maybe Junmi was a bad friend.

When Minhui-sunbaenim started hanging out with the other trainees again, Junmi couldn’t approach her. He couldn’t ask her what happened. When Minhui-sunbaenim was announced to be the company’s first soloist, Junmi didn’t cry. If he cried now, he’d cry when she debuted, and that would be embarrassing. It was difficult when Minhui-sunbaenim was crying as well.

Junmi avoided Minhui-sunbaenim while she was preparing to debut. It’s not fun to be around someone achieving your dream. It was hard to avoid someone who was trying to talk to him. Minhui-sunbaenim kept asking him to talk to her. He just smiled and walked away every time. He didn’t want to be crying.

Junmi didn’t understand any of his feelings. At only age 15, feelings were complicated. Minhui-sunbaenim probably had her feelings sorted out, and that’s why she wanted to not avoid him. Junmi was a mess.

Junmi only began talking with Minhui-sunbaenim again one year later. Junmi only found out why Minhui-sunbaenim avoided him the year after that, through Minhui-sunbaenim’s self-made documentary, where Junmi was never mentioned, not even once.

Read: The Boy In The Training Room (2019)

Junmi could feel Rui’s eyes on him from all the way across the room, where Rui was basically peeking out from behind the speakers. He tried to continue his verse, but he knew Rui was still watching him. Rui was the older of the two, but he acted like he was younger. There wasn’t much age difference between them, but Junmi felt like Rui was much more childish, with his energetic and silly nature. Junmi didn’t even know why Rui was watching him rap. It’s not like Rui had anything to be amazed by, the kid already being talented in both vocals and dance. Rui also looked like he was setting up to become the company’s top visual in a few years. Junmi was sure Rui had better things to do than to watch him try to figure a verse of rap.

Junmi found it difficult to rap when he kept glancing to the side and making eye contact with Rui. Rui’s eyes were surprisingly distracting, way too sharp and piercing for a boy who never seems serious. Junmi felt insecure, unconfident. He tried not to mess up, because if he messed up now, he’d mess up in front of other people, and that would be embarrassing. Junmi gave up on the verse, putting the lyric sheet down. He heard Rui clear his throat and he turned to look at the kid.

“Co-could you rap that again?” Rui looked directly at him with hopeful eyes? Was that hope? That he’d rap? Rui sounded shy. Rui was not a shy person. Rui was loud and outgoing, always cracking jokes and confidently talking with others. Junmi was confused.

Junmi must have been staring at Rui for too long, as Rui flinched a bit and backtracked. “I mean, um, it’s just…” Rui shifted away from the speakers as if he never meant to hide behind them. “Your rapping is really cool…and I’d rather listen to that than the song the company gave me to practice.”

Junmi could understand why Rui would want to listen to anything other than the song. After having spent the past hour or so of his free practice time in the training room hearing Rui’s song playing lightly in the background, Junmi couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. Junmi picked the lyric sheet back up, purposely avoided looking at Rui, and tried the verse again.

Read: Remembered (2020)

The cold air of the year’s second month touched Junmi’s face like a comforting hand as he stepped out the school doors. The students to his left pulled up the collars of their uniforms, rubbing their hands together as if doing so would ignite sparks. Junmi was glad he had changed into his training clothes, the sweater like a warm hug against the chilly breeze.
The wind, although Junmi thought it was pleasant, turned the tear-streaks into a painful dryness down his face. He pulled up his mask.
It was pathetic, wasn’t it? Junmi was expecting this, and yet he still let his emotions get the best of him. It wasn’t any different from any other year.
The train ride to the company building felt short, the music blasting in Junmi’s ears allowing him a second to forget about the rest of the day. The soft melodies and strong beats blended together as he stared out the window. The way the colours of the world around him turned to unfocused streaks reflected how he felt, as much as he was pushing it down. He made a mental note to refer to this while writing lyrics later.
The high-pitched squeals of the couple of students, most likely other trainees if Junmi was guessing, distracted him from his dramatic staring. The two students were huddled around a phone on the seats on the other side of the aisle from him.
“Isn’t she just the prettiest?” One of them excitedly asked rhetorically. Junmi couldn’t see the phone from where he was sitting.
“Yeah! She’s the fashion queen to me! If she was more popular, I’m sure she would be a fashion icon.” The other chatted happily.
They continued to talk vaguely about the girl on their phone. They seemed to think highly of her, whoever she was.
The one who spoke first happened to turn her phone screen to an angle that Junmi could see better.
The two students were talking about Ahn Minhui.
Junmi flinched as the painful feelings flooded his chest. Of course they were talking about her. Junmi looked away, and tried to tune them out with his music, but his ears kept listening.
Junmi wondered if she would have said anything today, if they were still talking to each other.
Upon entering the practice room, Junmi made the mistake of being hopeful for a moment. It was just like last year. Nobody greeted him, just nodded at him like normal. Junmi blinked hard, demanding the tears to behave.
He kept it in throughout the main practice. One trainee came up to him, and Junmi was silly and let himself feel excitement, but they just wanted to clarify what the instructor said about something. The momentary excitement being crushed hurt more than Junmi wanted it to.
As soon as practices were done, Junmi retreated to the free practice room.
In here, by himself, he could breathe. He couldn’t let himself cry now, though, because Rui would be here any second, and Junmi didn’t want that embarrassment now.
Any second felt too long. Oddly long. Junmi glanced at the clock. Rui still hadn’t shown up.
Rui didn’t care.
Nobody cared.
Junmi sat down, his back against the mirror.
It was his 16th birthday.
And nobody besides his parents had acknowledged it.
It was pathetic, right? Junmi didn’t feel like the amount of hurt he felt was justified for the situation. It wasn’t any different from last year. Junmi should be used to this by now. He should be. He wasn’t.
Junmi wiped furiously at his eyes. This was not the time to break down.
Junmi felt too exhausted to continue practicing at the moment, and opted to stare at the door. The white-painted wood peeled on a section on the middle-top left, the brown showing through. There were scuffs near the bottom, the shine of the paint fading. The shiny doorknob was obnoxiously clean, gleaming arrogantly against the rest of the door.
The doorknob turned.
An out-of-breath, sunshiney Rui opened the door.
“I’m so late! I’m so sorry!” There was a hint of laughter in Rui’s voice. He hadn’t seen Junmi yet, his eyes focused on putting down his items. He was strangely still wearing his coat, which was discarded onto the bench quickly. Junmi pushed himself to his feet, giving his eyes one last tear-removal with his sleeve.
Before Junmi could ask about Rui’s excuse for being so late, Rui ran over to him, holding a slightly wrinkled plastic bag. He held it out to Junmi excitedly. “Here!”
Junmi took the bag hesitantly. “What…is this?” He quirked an eyebrow at Rui.
“Open it!” Rui’s eyes were sparkling.
Junmi lifted the bag up and picked up the item inside it. It was…a small, circular…cake? “What?”
“Happy birthday!” Rui’s smile was blindingly bright. “The bakery was really busy, so I couldn’t get your name put on it or anything. That’s also why I was late. I left practice early and everything and I still ended up running. Oh, there’s forks and tiny plates in the bag! We can share it…if you want.”
Junmi felt a single tear roll down his face and he didn’t bother to wipe it. The cake was iced in a navy blue with edible glitter sprinkled on top, star-shaped cookies framing the top. A small card sat against the bottom of the cake with the name of the bakery and the words “Happy Birthday, Junmi! Let’s celebrate today!”.
Junmi quickly sat down and retrieved the forks from the bag. Rui let out a small giggle, and joined Junmi on the floor.
The two enjoyed the cake together. Junmi ate in relative silence, but Rui rambled on about his day enthusiastically, filling the quiet. The chocolate-flavoured cake was very rich and soft, but a bit too sweet for Junmi’s liking. He made a note of the bakery’s name, as it was one he hadn’t heard of before. “Why did you choose this bakery? There’s one just down the street from here. That would have been quicker.”
Rui laughed again, but it was short and a bit awkward. “Just because! I…yeah, just because.”
“Doesn’t sound like a just because.”
Rui looked away. “I just like this bakery a lot.”
“You could have just said that.” Junmi shrugged off Rui’s weird behaviour. Rui acted strange about the most mundane things. Junmi was used to it by now, and decided to not question it at this point.
“So…” Rui quickly went to change the topic, or at least that’s what it felt like. Jui internally laughed at it. “What did you do for your birthday today? Besides this.”
Any smile on Junmi’s face lowered. “Not much. Just went to school and then came here. My parents got me this really nice notebook. My current notebook still has a lot of pages left, but it’s nice to have an extra one.” As if the realization that he had said multiple sentences was a bad thing, Junmi stopped talking.
“That’s nice. I’m sure you’ll find a good use for it! I have a lot of extra sketchbooks that just sit around my room, so I get you.” Rui sighed. “I wish I could have gotten you something more than just the cake.”
“Rui, the cake was more than enough.” Junmi took a deep breath. He felt Rui’s eyes snap to him. Junmi made eye contact with Rui, but decided to look away. “You’re the only other person who remembered that it’s my birthday today.”
“Oh.” Junmi could tell Rui’s smile had dropped. “Junmi…I…”
“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Junmi put on a smile, for Rui’s sake. “It’s like this every year. You don’t need to pity me.”
“Junmi…” Rui’s voice was full of pity anyways. “You don’t deserve-”
Junmi shushed Rui by swiping some of the blue icing off of his plate and quickly flicking his finger across Rui’s face. Rui’s eyes widened. Junmi gave him a pointed look. “No more talking about it. It’s fine now, okay?”
Rui nodded, his eyes still wide. He blinked a couple times, brushed off some of the icing from his face, looked at his now icing-covered finger, and then looked at Junmi again. Junmi smiled apologetically. Admittedly, that wasn’t the best thing he could have done, but he didn’t want Rui to continue the conversation.
And then he was flicked across the face with blue icing in retaliation.
“Hey!” Junmi exclaimed. Rui was holding in his laughter, but breaking by the second. “It’s my birthday! You can’t do this to me!”
Rui gave up and giggled. “Hey, you did it to me first! Now we both have icing on our faces.”
Junmi whipped his head around to see the damage in the mirror. The streak of blue across his face made him think momentarily of the tear-streaks it was covering. He laughed. “I guess we do. I’ll go grab something to wipe it off with.”
“No, I’ll go do that. You’re the birthday boy, you stay here.” Rui pushed himself up and skipped out of the room.
In the silence and quiet of the room, Junmi didn’t feel lonely anymore.

Read: Spinning Practice (2021)

Junmi stared longingly at the other trainees jumping around and stretching on the other side of the practice room, as if his gaze could pull him closer to them. He watched as a small group of them went through a whacking routine, as they laughed and smiled. He watched as a couple of trainees ran around, playing some sort of tag game, cackling loudly as they whipped around the round. One of them ran past him carelessly, almost tripping over Junmi’s feet, without an ounce of an apology or even an acknowledgement. The other gave Junmi a small, apologetic smile, but continued on like nothing happened, rushing past him. Junmi sighed, trying to hide his disappointment and frustration.
Sitting on the bench by himself, Junmi kicked his feet a bit, trying not to feel too sorry for himself.
It was his own fault he was sitting over here. The trainers had told him to go easy with the amount of practicing he was doing, that he could overwork himself and it wouldn’t be healthy. Junmi had ignored them, continuing to stay late and work on the choreography that was causing him to lose sleep. It shouldn’t have been that difficult, but Junmi just couldn’t figure it out. The steps were too quick, and the arm movements were too complex. Junmi thought he had been making progress with dancing, especially since Rui had been helping him with dance. This week, Rui had been busy with his own routine, and couldn’t help Junmi much. Junmi had to spend a few hours batting away Rui’s apologies for not being able to help, feeling bad that he was taking time away from Rui’s practice time. Rui also had to leave before Junmi did, as Junmi was pushing the early morning hours before he decided to catch the train home for several nights in a row. He didn’t feel tired throughout the day, and felt fine practicing, until a few days prior to his moping on the main practice room’s bench.
Junmi was practicing the choreography like he always had, having just said goodbye to Rui a few minutes earlier. Nothing felt off, and Junmi didn’t feel a need to take a break, especially with how frustrating the dance was becoming. One of the trickiest parts of the choreography was a small spin after a quick sequence of footwork, and Junmi couldn’t figure out how to do it fast enough. He tried to control his breathing as his feet moved with lightning speed, preparing for the spin. Junmi closed his eyes, crossed one foot in front of the other, and whipped around…and found himself on the floor. A bit winded, Junmi had to take a second to realize he had fallen. There was a weird noise when he fell as well, but Junmi was still a bit dizzy, and couldn’t quite focus on that. He hadn’t hit his head, but things still felt weird. Junmi began pushing himself up, but immediately collapsed back down to the floor. A pain like a knife, or a sword, or…Junmi couldn’t quantify the pain, he hadn’t felt anything like it before…coursed through his arm. Junmi rolled onto his back, breathing hard. He tried not to swear as he attempted to lift his arm again, the pain returning intensely. Controlling his breathing, and blinking back tears from his eyes, he grabbed his phone from where it fell from his pocket and called the trainee manager.
Now, sitting by himself as everyone else practiced, Junmi just wanted to cry. The pain of having to deal with the fact that the other trainees didn’t really care for him much was much stronger than the pain of a broken arm. He looked down at the cast on his arm. The white of the cast shone under the harsh fluorescents of the room, and Junmi grimaced. With another sigh, Junmi looked back at the other trainees. Nobody had even asked if he was doing alright, and Junmi wondered if they even knew he was absent for the past few days. Junmi wasn’t that talkative, but he was sure that the other trainees would have noticed if he was gone, right? They would have been concerned, right? They wouldn’t have just ignored it, right?
A small “Hey!” broke Junmi from his spiraling thoughts. Whipping his head to the side at the sound of the familiar voice, Junmi felt a small smile form as his eyes landed on a…slightly disheveled-looking Jang Rui. The smile began to fall as he started to notice how tired and worn-out Rui looked. Rui was someone who always had a smile on his face, with eyes full of excitement and seeming like he was always glowing. Today’s Rui looked the opposite, save for a tired, small, but warm smile. As Rui sat beside him tiredly on the bench, Junmi noticed, in his peripheral vision, some of the other trainees looking his way for the first time that day, and turned his attention fully to Rui. Before Junmi could ask anything, Rui looked at him with what seemed to be relief and concern. “Are you okay?” Rui gestured to the cast on Junmi’s arm.
Raising the casted arm as high as he could without sending himself into immense pain, Junmi tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace. “Never been better.” He sighed.
Rui let out a sigh as well, but it sounded happier than Junmi’s. “That’s good…that’s good.” The two stared at each other for a second, Junmi expecting the ever-talkative Rui to say something else. Instead of saying anything else, Rui just gave Junmi a short hug, catching Junmi a bit off guard.
“What was that for?” Junmi asked, a bit flustered by the unexpected hug.
“Sorry, I just…” Rui looked away and smiled sadly. “I was worried about you. You didn’t show up to practice, so I just figured you were late, but then you didn’t arrive at all. And then you didn’t show up the next day either. I tried calling you and texting you, and I know you don’t check your phone much, but you didn’t answer and…I thought something bad had happened to you.” Rui glanced back at Junmi, and Junmi swore he could see a light layer of tears threatening to form in Rui’s eyes.
Crap. Junmi had switched off his notifications on his phone after getting flooded with worried texts from his relatives after his parents told them that Junmi had broken his arm. He hadn’t even thought to let Rui know. Junmi hadn’t thought that Rui would have cared if he wasn’t there.
Before Junmi could apologize, Rui looked away again.
The two sat in a slightly awkward silence for a couple minutes, both watching the other trainees warm up. Junmi could feel the week of little sleep, from practice and from the pain in his arm, suddenly catch up to him, and found it hard to keep his eyes fully open. Sensing that Rui wasn’t going to leave the bench any time soon, Junmi rested his head on Rui’s shoulder. Junmi’s sleep-craving brain was desperate, and had no cares about feeling embarrassed right now. Junmi figured the boy wouldn’t mind, but he also was halfway asleep so it was either Rui’s shoulder or the bench.
Waking up, Junmi found himself the only person in the practice room. He was laying on the bench, with a sweater under his head. Slowly pushing himself up, Junmi wondered what time it was. He looked down to check his watch, forgetting that his arm was in a cast. Upon seeing his cast, Junmi felt a small smile form.
All across the cast, in the blacks and blues and reds of permanent markers, were small signatures and tiny drawings. Right in the middle, in a fancy cursive font, was “Jang Rui” with a smiley face.

Read: Nothing of Great Meaning or Importance (2021)

Junmi wasn't really one to come to this cafe much. It was a bit out of the way, and he always felt like people were looking at him. But it was the only cafe near SUN Entertainment that provided some artist privacy. He glanced at the SUN Entertainment themed calendar on the wall, the brightly purple "June 2021" glaring at him. It was obnoxious, but it was a free calendar, so of course they had made use of it.
Speaking of free things, the reason Junmi was here. Minhui had offered to pay, saying she had a bit of freetime. Junmi should have said no. He had watched her documentary the other day. He and the other trainees watched it together. He would have rather watched it by himself.
It's not like it was of great importance to him. He only showed up in it for half a second.
It had explained why she ignored him.
Half a second from all of those videos she told him were for the memories.
Junmi had felt every bit of progress unravel in his chest. But he had to ignore that.
He may his way to the reserved area of the cafe, the ever proper and professional Minhui sitting at a table by the windows.
Junmi sat across from her. She picked up her mug, took a sip, and then nodded. "Hello, Junmi. Feel free to order whatever you want."
He returned the nod, but didn't go to order. This was the normal with their conversations nowadays. No more rambling and tangents, no more jokes and laughing. Just talking, nothing of great meaning or importance.
"I watched your documentary."
Minhui blinked, but relaxed. "I heard. The CEO told me he held a screening for the trainees. He is a strange man, wanting to parade around that documentary like it's his own." She laughed to herself.
The two shared light conversation about the documentary. Nothing of great meaning or importance. A conversation held at arm's length, no embrace of anything past the shallow end.
Junmi wanted to get to the point. He wanted to ask her the question that had been burning a hole into his chest from the moment he finished watching the documentary. The question that had caused sleepless nights, concerned gazes, and the ache that wouldn't go away. But he couldn't. At even the thought of speaking out his own pain, Junmi could feel the rock in his throat, the warmth pooling in the corners of his eyes. Even if he wanted to, and he did, he couldn't. The words were held back. So he opted for something else. "How did you decide which clips of the trainees to use in the documentary?"
Minhui gave him a look, as if she was analyzing the question. "The clips?" She set down her mug on the table. "I watched through the ones I had, and decided from that. I picked the ones that I felt best represented my time as a trainee. Is that what you were wondering?"
You don't get it. The words couldn't roll off Junmi's lips. Minhui looked almost bored with the conversation. She quirked an eyebrow at Junmi's silence. Junmi retracted into his chair, staring out the window.
A car passed by.
Junmi returned his gaze back to Minhui. "Yeah."
The silence that followed was slow, like molasses falling off a spoon. It wasn't awkward, but there was no comfort in this silence. If you snapped, it would shatter, wouldn't it? It was sharp, like glass. If you move, you'll be pierced. Junmi blinked. Minhui took a sip of her drink as if it didn't bother her. Of course, she would be unbothered. She was oblivious to anything Junmi was feeling, right? She made that very clear.
Junmi thought back for a moment. A memory, soft, glowing. A girl with a smile on her face, laughing. Clumsy movements, frustration, but she was smiling. "No, Junmi, the move goes like this!" Her eyes sparkled. A pause. As if she noticed that the boy in front of her was hesitant. "Oh, do you want to take a break? It'll probably make more sense if you rest for a second." She smiled more.
She wasn't smiling now.
Junmi, face-to-face with a cold gaze that always seemed to be dissecting his every move, felt the burning hole in his chest transform. It became metal bars, extending and trapping him in place. If he wanted to say anything else, he couldn't. He swallowed back tears that were climbing to his eyes. The lights of the cafe felt a bit too bright. Junmi took a few slow breaths.
"Oh, sorry Junmi. I have a meeting in a few minutes." Minhui placed some cash on the table, and left without another word.
Why?

Read: Snow (2021)

It just wasn’t a good day for Junmi. It’s not like the cold weather was helping either.
Junmi never disliked the cold. He honestly enjoyed the winter weather. Snow was super pretty when it fell, glittering through the sky. But now, as he stared out the window, it was bringing him down.
He stood resting his arms against the railing that separated the hallway from the window, although the gap between the railing and the window felt unnecessary. He let his mind focus on that. He was up on one of the higher floors of the company building. It was late, but Junmi didn’t want to go home yet.
His emotions had gotten the better of him today. He couldn’t get the steps down in practice, his tone was off, and his mind was racing too much that he couldn’t focus on any lyrics. It was like he wanted to do everything yet he couldn’t. Junmi sometimes had days like this, but today just felt worse. School wasn’t his friend today either. His dance crew couldn’t meet up today due to homework, so Junmi couldn’t use that as a stress release. A few rude words were thrown his way in the hallway by some younger, obnoxious students, who knew he was a trainee. Junmi was used to people acting weird about him being a trainee with his personality at school. How could someone like him be a trainee when he didn’t talk to anyone?
Junmi asked that question a lot to himself as well.
It hurt.
He had felt like he was improving recently. Junmi was still trying to fully recover from his arm injury from earlier in the year, and he had been seeing progress in the sharpness of his arm movements. But today, it felt like he didn’t even have his rapping. He was a burden. He was a burden to himself.
He was tired. He hadn’t been getting enough sleep. He should have been getting more sleep.
So maybe when the tears fell down his cheers, like lava burning tracks down his face, it had distracted him enough to not notice the sudden change in atmosphere in the room that could only be caused by the one and only ball of sunshine Jang Rui. Junmi could barely even process a thought, his own pained sniffling filling his ears. He didn’t even try to wipe at his face, knowing it would just become damp with tears again. He glanced at the window for a second, catching his own pathetic face in the reflection, and it just made him feel worse.
The hand on his shoulder only caused the tears to fall faster.
Rui didn’t say anything, and Junmi couldn’t tell if he was being respectful or if he didn’t know what to say. Junmi was thankful for the silence. He didn’t think he could say anything in the first place. The two stood there, Junmi sobbing silently and Rui keeping his hand on Junmi’s shoulder. He didn’t want to be crying, not in front of Rui. But yet, Rui’s presence only seemed to validate his emotions more, and he felt like he could only cry here and now.
After Junmi had calmed down enough that his tears had stopped and his sniffle had turned to the occasional strained breath, he looked up. He almost laughed at his reflection, he looked so exhausted. And then he met Rui’s concerned eyes in the window, and turned to look at him directly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“...why are you apologizing, Junmi? You don’t need to apologize for crying.” Rui spoke softly. It was nice, but it sort of made Junmi want to run away. He didn’t need Rui’s sympathy…he didn’t want to burden Rui with anything. It wasn’t right to make Rui worry about him. They weren’t even friends, just acquaintances, and Junmi felt guilty even having Rui see him cry.
Rui removed his hand from Junmi’s shoulder as if Rui himself only just realized it was there. It felt like a rush of cold air took its place. He turned so that he was also facing the window, placing his arms on the railing too, like Junmi. The two stared out the window for a few seconds before Rui spoke. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Rui nodded. “That’s okay.” He smiled. “I’m glad I found you.”
Glad? That he found Junmi crying up here? Why? Did he have something to talk to Junmi about? …was he glad that Junmi didn’t have to be alone while crying? Junmi realized that Rui’s eyes looked tired…as if he had been crying a bit but earlier. He hadn’t noticed it in his own crying, and it…Junmi wanted to ask if Rui was okay. But he couldn’t.
“Glad you found me?” Junmi looked at Rui.
“Yeah.” Rui looked at him. “I don’t think you realize how important you are.” The words were soft, barely above a whisper, but Junmi heard them. He looked away. The two boys stared at their reflections again. Rui spoke again. “I don’t know where I would be now if I hadn’t been in that practice room with you a couple years ago.”
Something was wrong. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Junmi relaxed. “That’s okay.”
Rui rested his head gently on Junmi’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “Why does it feel like everyone keeps running away from me?” He mumbled. His voice sounded suddenly heavily laced with emotion. Rui took a deep breath, as if he was steadying himself.
Junmi felt…like a pain shot through his chest. “I won’t.”
He didn’t know what Rui had been going through, but if it was anything like what Junmi was feeling, he wanted Rui to understand that he deserved happiness. He deserved to not have to hide his tears. He deserved to feel like people were there for him.
Maybe Junmi deserved all that too.
He realized Rui had fallen asleep.
Junmi let out a laugh. It reminded him of when he broke his arm, and fell asleep on Rui’s shoulder similar to what Rui was doing now. He let Rui sleep for a bit, until his shoulder started to feel sore from the weight. The still-exhausted, and unusually quiet, Rui clung to Junmi’s arm the whole ride down the elevator, the walk to grab their coats, and out the building doors, much to Junmi’s resistance. He gave up easily though, knowing Rui just needed someone then and there. Honestly, Junmi did too, so maybe it wasn’t that bad.
Out in the snow, Rui detached himself from Junmi’s arm and seemed to relax. He smiled, eyes closed, enjoying the cold. He hummed a small tune.
“I didn’t think you were one to like the winter,” Junmi commented, staring at Rui with amusement.
Rui opened his eyes, looking at Junmi. “I like all the seasons. There’s something to appreciate in all of them. Like, here, the cold breeze and the blowing snow and…” Rui looked away quickly. “Do you like the winter, Junmi?”
“I guess? I’m not much of a winter fanatic, but the snow’s nice.” Junmi reached his hand out to catch the snow on his glove. “When I was younger, I had an obsession with making snowballs whenever the snow was the right texture. I’d annoy my parents to no end by throwing them, so they convinced me to drop the habit.”
THUD
Junmi barely had time to process what had happened when the cold set in. The remains of Rui’s snowball trickled down Junmi’s face, and he whipped around to face Rui. Rui was laughing, picking up more snow. Junmi rushed to grab a fistful, chucking it at Rui.
Rui ducked, but still got hit. “Oh, so we’re doing this?”
“You started it!” Junmi chucked another ball of snow at Rui.
Rui hurled a larger snowball at Junmi, who just barely dodged it. Junmi began pelting Rui with smaller snowballs, quickly grabbing snow and throwing it his way. He kept getting hit on the side of his face, fueling his energy to throw more snow at Rui. The two were engaged in this snow battle for a few minutes, Rui obviously losing. A truce was called as Rui ran over to Junmi and pressed a handful of snow against his face.
The two stood there laughing in the cold. Rui’s hair was a mess, and Junmi was sure his didn’t look much better either. After a moment, Rui reached over and brushed some snow off of Junmi’s hair, catching Junmi a bit off-guard. Rui pulled his hand away quickly and awkwardly turned to look out at the street. “I haven’t had a snowball fight in so long.”
Junmi smiled. “Me too.”
Rui smiled at Junmi. “Thank you.”
Junmi’s smile softened. “No problem.”
Junmi wanted to thank Rui too, but the boy had already turned and started walking up the street.

Read: Captured Effort (2020 - 2022)

Junmi thought Rui was kind of cool. Junmi admired the way Rui captured the attention of everyone around him. Junmi could also do that if he tried hard enough, but for Rui, it was effortless. Natural charm vs practiced charm was a big difference. At least practicing with Rui wasn’t as burdening as it used to be. The two often ended up using the same practice room, and were used to each other by now. It had only been two years since Junmi started training, but he felt like practicing with Rui had helped him improve more in the past 5 months than in the rest of those two years. Rui pushed him to be competitive, even though Junmi knew that Rui was far better in everything but rap than him.
Junmi thought Rui’s struggles in rap was…funny? He would have called it endearing but Rui complained too much when he tried to rap a difficult verse and Junmi was not going to encourage that. Junmi didn’t know how he ended up becoming Rui’s rap teacher, but they always found time during practice to rap something together. In turn, Rui would help Junmi with different dance techniques that he was struggling at. Junmi wouldn’t really talk to Rui outside of the practice room, but Rui would always smile at him in the hallways.
When Junmi mentioning auditioning for Star Maker X 101, he almost asked Rui to join him. He knew that Rui would be accepted if he auditioned. Rui was everything an idol show could want. Vocally skilled, strong in dance, very charming, bright personality, and quite handsome. It would be a great opportunity for Rui, but Junmi knew the company would never let him. They had their hold on him like chains. Junmi didn’t want to be accepted into the show without a familiar face though. He didn’t consider Rui his friend exactly, despite practicing alongside him for two years, half of his training time at this point, but he was someone he knew and could talk to. Yet, Junmi couldn’t bring himself to mention it when telling Rui about the show. Rui didn’t bring it up either, just encouraging Junmi to ask the company. Rui’s smile and encouragement was the only thing that got Junmi through asking the company and suffering under Minhui-sunbaenim’s gaze.
When Junmi was accepted, he didn’t tell Rui until the company told Rui. He had too much on his mind to think about telling others.
Sitting by himself in the corner of the practice room, watching the other trainees on the show practice, Junmi was only thinking about his own possible failure. Scrolling through his phone as if he was focused on something, he could only think about how Minhui-sunbaenim and how she could be watching the show and might see him fail. When Kyler and Hye offered to help him practice, Junmi almost cried right then and there. He didn’t cry, because if he cried then, he’d cry while practicing, and that would be embarrassing. All he could see when he looked at them were the piercing, hopeful eyes of a kid who saw nothing but good in Junmi. Junmi didn’t realize how much he missed Rui until then.

Star Maker X 101: 2022[]

Read: Like A Bird In A Cage (INITIAL STORY)

Rap is freeing. “Set the caged bird from your soul” were the words Minhui-sunbaenim told Junmi when he asked the company if he could audition for Star Maker X 101. “A caged bird can’t fly” is what Junmi said to the trainee waiting beside him to audition. “Birds…cages…anyways, I’m Park Junmi from SUN Entertainment, 18 years old.” His introduction was sloppy but he hoped his rapping was enough. He didn’t really remember the face of the trainee he spoke to, and he hoped they didn’t see him mess up when talking to the producers and staff who would decide if he could be on the show. “Like a bird from its cage, my rap will fly! Hello, I’m Park Junmi, a trainee at SUN Entertainment, 18 years old.” was how it was supposed to go. Embarrassing.
He got in. He had nothing to complain about now. Maybe he was charming enough.
Minhui-sunbaenim had told him not to focus on making a character for himself. He would just end up becoming the character, not himself. Truth is the key to personality. But then she called him a caged bird and it stuck to him. Was he really a caged bird? Did people not notice him? What did she even mean by that?
Standing by the company door, Junmi suddenly didn’t want to go on the show. He had heard that Yunmin and Taylor had been accepted as well, and they both had enough personality and talent to make Junmi seem uninteresting. But if he cried now, he’d cry on the show, and that would be embarrassing. He walked into the company building, knowing the next time he would do so, he would be a winner or a loser. Losing would be embarrassing.
Yunmin was annoyingly good at singing. Taylor was annoyingly good at being funny. Sitting between them in the company van was not how Junmi wanted to go to the show’s recording site for the first time. He was stuck with the two until he could make any friends. He wasn’t friends with them. Maybe this was his cage, this van, and all he wanted to do was leave it.
He didn’t feel that way looking at the building where the recording would take place. His luggage felt heavy in his hands, and the other trainees slowly arriving all seemed too professional. Was that a member of MATRYIX? Isn’t that two of the former members of Hibiscus? Xiong Haoyu?
Junmi felt like he understood what Minhui meant. He is his own cage.

Read: The Eliminations

Park Junmi was seconds away from crying. To his left was Yunmin, showing no emotion. It was like he had just accepted what happened. To his right, an empty seat. The energetic boy who Junmi couldn’t admit he had just begun to appreciate had bounded up to the stage when his name was called. The assurance that Taylor had made it through the eliminations was calming, and Junmi hoped Taylor’s nerves had calmed. He had never seen Taylor that nervous before. But there were only nine spots left, and Junmi felt a strange, rotting feeling in his lungs. Hands trembling, he looked to his right. Making eye contact with Kyler, who was sitting far enough away that Junmi couldn’t talk to him, Junmi offered up a shy thumbs up in his direction. Kyler was everything one could want on this show, and Junmi knew he would make it to the next round. When Kyler smiled back in response, it offered Junmi a couple seconds of relief.
Junmi looked up at the stage. He could see Hye, who had placed 14th, sitting comfortably in his chair. Both Kyler and Hye were starting to mean a lot to Junmi, and Junmi, full of regret for accidentally ignoring Rui before leaving, couldn’t argue that the two were people he wanted to consider to be his friends. He wanted to share the stage with the two of them, and maybe that was what was hurting him so much. Junmi wanted to freeze time in this moment, so that he wouldn’t have to worry.
Junmi looked at Geonu. “Next…in 9th place…we have another first-timer!” Junmi felt his breath stop in his throat. What if it was him? No, it couldn’t be him. “They’ve grown confidence since the first grading, and are ready to perform at their best.” Junmi was about to faint. There was no way it was him. There were plenty of trainees that had improved. Junmi had definitely performed better than in the audition round, but his team didn’t even win. He wondered if his confidence was to the level that it was noticeable. Rui always called him confident when he performed, but that was just Rui being nice.
Maybe Rui was watching. Junmi hoped Rui was watching. He hoped Minhui was not watching. Everything came back to her, and he didn’t want it to. This crippling sense of self-worth, this rotting feeling, it was all her fault. Maybe he was being dramatic, but maybe he was right. She had never given him proper encouragement before he went on the show. She probably didn’t even care if he did well or not.
Junmi looked up at the stage. “SUN Entertainment’s Park Junmi.” Junmi didn’t really process the words until Yunmin, showing more emotion than Junmi had ever seen him do, pulled Junmi to his feet.
Wait, what?
All around him, the trainees were looking his way and cheering. Yunmin was hugging him. He could see Kyler clap loudly and smiling. Junmi awkwardly made his way to the stage, following the path he’d seen the other trainees take. Everything felt too heavy.
Junmi stood on the stage. He was given a mic. Geonu asked him to say something to his supporters. Junmi’s legs felt light, and he almost didn’t notice how he almost sat down on the floor, almost letting his legs give out. He was glad he didn’t faint, because if he fainted now, he’d faint if this happened again, and that would be embarrassing. Straightening his legs back out, standing facing the camera, he felt like he could do anything. “I-I” Tears started falling from his eyes. Wiping them away, frantically, Junmi felt embarrassed. He hid his mouth with his hands for a second. “Crap…” He laughed lightly. “Thank you so much…”.
Walking to his seat, he smiled at Hye, who was making silly cheering motions towards him. When Kyler’s name was called, placing second, Junmi couldn’t stop himself from cheering as loud as he could. The happiness he felt was something he hadn’t felt for a long time. His lungs weren’t rotting anymore. They were glowing.

Read: Good Enough

Junmi didn’t like thinking about Minhui. Once he started, his brain turned on a cycle of thinking about the times when they were friends, to the times Minhui ignored him, to the times when Junmi felt like a terrible person and friend, to complete self-worthlessness, to anger and blame at Minhui, and back to the times when they were friends.
Junmi looks fondly back on the week they first met. Junmi had been sitting by himself, not too sure who to talk to. Practice had been difficult, and everyone else seemed to know what they were doing. He had very little dance experience, and his vocals were weak. He felt terrible.
But then a girl with long brown hair and a gentle smile crouched down beside him and asked him if she could sit with him.
Despite Minhui being three years older than him, Junmi felt that he could speak easily with her. It was as if she was his older sister, the two falling into natural conversation full of teasing. She offered him snacks, and would help him practice. Minhui would make an effort to make sure he was included in everything. She’d film videos while practicing, and sometimes Junmi would join her, although he didn’t have much to say. When he asked her what she was filming for, she just replied “the memories”.
Junmi remembers the first week of Minhui ignoring him very well. In the few months they had been friends, Junmi felt like Minhui was the closest friend he’d ever had. At school, he didn’t really have many friends, and the ones he had didn’t care for him outside of school. Minhui showed at least some consideration for him outside of practice, texting him to check up on him and ask if he needed any extra help at practice. So having Minhui throw him to the side like he was nothing was painful for Junmi, to say the least.
Junmi had arrived at practice, like normal. He set his stuff in his locker and walked into the practice room, like normal. He waited for Minhui to arrive and say hi to him, like normal. Minhui arrived. Minhui put her stuff in her locker and walked into the practice room. Minhui walked past Junmi, past her other friends, past the trainees who she wasn’t friends with, to the corner of the room where nobody else was. Junmi found it weird, but ignored it. He would just say hi to her later, during the break, since she usually sat with him. She didn’t sit with him that day. He tried to talk to her later in the day and she walked past him like she didn’t know him. She didn’t sit with him the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. She didn’t talk to Junmi, even when he just said hi to her.
Junmi grimaces when he thinks about how he blamed himself when Minhui was ignoring him. He knew it wasn’t his fault. He knew that. But he was young, and emotions were running high. That one bit of “maybe you are a bad person” that came with that time was enough to take over Junmi’s emotions. He tried so hard to be a good friend to Minhui.
This constant feeling of rotting, of hopelessness, of not understanding what he did wrong filtered through his veins. He couldn’t go to practice without feeling it. He lost sleep over it. He hated it. Why did he have to go through this? Minhui could have just said hi back to him once and he wouldn’t feel like this.
The painful self-worthlessness was the worst part of this cycle. Junmi has a habit of thinking lowly of himself if he feels like someone else does as well. He knows he has this habit. Maybe there’s a reason he’s so lonely all the time. Maybe there’s a reason he can’t make friends. Maybe there’s a reason why he hasn’t debuted yet.
That’s the one that gets him the most. The fact that he might not debut. Minhui debuted, with her problems and flaws and all. But that didn’t mean Junmi could debut. He can rap, he has charm, but is that enough? Maybe if he tries hard enough, he can debut someday. Maybe he needs to try harder. Maybe it’s okay to stay too late and lose sleep over practice. Maybe it’s okay to get hurt. Maybe it’s okay to be this way.
Junmi is angry with Minhui. They talked, they solved their problems, but Junmi still feels anger. Minhui seems colder to him. Maybe she’s just busy, but she’s kind to everyone else. Is she mad at him for the times he didn’t want to talk to her? She seems stricter. He’s never good enough for her. He’s a bird in a cage. He’s not good enough.
Minhui is beloved by so many, and part of Junmi respects her more than anyone else. But when he looks at her, he can’t stop the pain. He feels the need to do well in everything. He’s not good enough.
He’s good enough for Rui. He’s good enough for Kyler and Hye. He’s good enough for Taylor and Yunmin. He’s good enough for all of the people who voted for him and let him place 9th.
But he doesn’t realize that quite yet. Maybe he will.

Read: The Hallway

Park Junmi was breathing heavily, but the adrenaline from the performance was enough for him to ignore it. He honestly couldn’t believe what had just happened. The whole team had stepped up, showing the hours and hours of practice they put into improving their performance. They had pulled a complete 180 from the interim check. Junmi was especially proud of how he and Azriel had performed their rap parts, showing off excellent chemistry. Azriel returned his fist-bump as they went to stand in a line, waiting for the results. Taylor was bouncing a bit on his feet beside Junmi, rambling a bit about how happy he felt. Junmi just laughed along, feeling more confident than he had in the whole competition.
He stared up at the judges, excited to hear the results. Junmi honestly didn’t care if his team ended up losing at this point. He was too proud of the performance. The judges began a spiel about not being able to choose the winning team, leading to the announcement of a special guest judge. Junmi felt the air of the stage change, suddenly buzzing with excitement over who the mysterious judge could be.
“Introducing the soloist who’s recently grown to popularity, an extreme hardworker and incredibly talented person…”
Junmi was curious. The description was vague, but Junmi began thinking through all of the recently popular soloists he could think of. Ni.U? She had a recent comeback, didn’t she? Junmi hadn’t listened to many of her songs yet, but knew how talented Ni.U was. YUKI? She had a big boost in popularity in the summer. Rui had shown him some of her music earlier in the year. MIIX? He was a new soloist. Junmi had heard a few of his songs during practice. Whoever it was, Junmi was excited.
That sentiment did not last long.
Junmi could tell by the sounds of the high heels clicking down the hallway behind the judges. He had heard those same high heels walk past him with ignorance in his own company’s building. No, it couldn’t be her, right? They wouldn’t do that, right?
Of course, nobody knew what Junmi felt regarding her, so there was nothing stopping them.
Ahn Minhui, princess of SUN Entertainment, was the exact person Junmi didn’t want to see walk out of that hallway. And yet here she was. All around him, Junmi could hear the other trainees gasping in excitement and whispering to each other, but he was quiet. A sharp twinge of fear coursed through him, and he could feel his heart start beating faster. No no no no no why was she here?? He tried to calm his breathing, not wanting to outwardly show how he felt. He spared a glance at Taylor, who…didn’t seem happy either.
As Minhui wrote down her vote, Junmi felt like he was about to sink into the floor. Her cold gaze swept the trainees, and he swore it landed on him for a few seconds, calculating. Minhui wasn’t one to be biased towards her own company. Junmi and Taylor’s success on this show wasn’t her problem, and she knew that.
But when the judges announced the winner, Junmi wanted to cry. His team won. But instead of immediately turning and celebrating with the other trainees, he felt frozen, staring at Minhui. She stared back at him, and Junmi could feel that she voted for the other team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That feeling of being frozen, from anger, from nervousness, didn’t stop. It reached Junmi’s throat mid-performance and cut off part of a line, leaving Junmi desperate to make up for the mistake for the rest of the performance.
The judges complimented his rap, saying it was the highlight of the performance. Minhui seemed to have the opposite opinion.
“Junmi,” she started, staring thoughtfully at her notes. “Your rap was…incomplete.” Incomplete? Minhui’s cold eyes met his. “It felt constrained, as if you were forcing it out rather than just letting it happen. It was like…how should I put this? It felt less like the rap was holding you back, and more like you were holding the rap back. You have the techniques down, and you have your own style, but you need to stop being afraid of letting yourself run free.”
Like a bird in a cage? Is that the analogy you wanted to make, Minhui? Junmi looked down, trying to blink away any chance of tears. He barely reacted when Katsuo was announced as the winner besides a small smile, even though he wanted to celebrate with the other trainee. He felt locked in place.
Junmi made the mistake of looking up at Minhui again. The look she was giving him…Junmi felt like collapsing. The way she was almost glaring at him…he had never seen someone look so…was she disappointed with him…was she mad at him…the amount of pain that hit Junmi was too much. The lights were suddenly ten times brighter. The sounds of the production crew became white noise. The floor was tilting under his feet. Junmi felt numb and yet everything all at once.
He turned, and walked off of the stage.
Through the backstage, past the confused staff members, through the door, everything was a blur. Junmi’s head felt like cotton was stuck in his ears, but also as if he was drowning. His throat stung as if he had inhaled sharp glass. His limbs felt disconnected from his body, numb, but every sensation was too much, too overwhelming. He couldn’t think. There was too much around him. Everything was too much.
“Junmi??”
At the sound of his name from a familiar voice, Junmi…stopped. He took a second to process his surroundings. He hadn’t gone very far, just into one of the hallways near the stage room. Junmi still felt like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to turn around to face Hye, but he felt like he couldn’t walk any further either.
“What’s going on?” Hye’s voice was heavy with concern, and confusion.
“S-she…” No. Hye didn’t need his emotional baggage. Junmi had already caused enough burden for other people today. The damage was done. The embarrassment was quickly filling his senses. What he did, all of his efforts, it didn’t matter anymore. He just needed to leave.
But, instead, Junmi turned around slowly, walked over to Hye, and sat down with his back against the wall. He heard Hye sternly say “Stop filming. Please.”, and covered his face with his hands. Of course a cameraperson was still following him. Junmi waited until the cameraperson began walking away before uncovering his face. He glanced up at Hye, who was staring down at him. “Junmi, what’s going on?”
“It’s-it’s nothing…” Junmi looked away.
“Junmi. You were running down the hallway, and you looked really scared. That’s nothing?”
“You don’t want me to get into it.” Junmi didn’t mean for it to come out that harsh. “You don’t…” He sighed, and spoke softly. “It’s a lot.”
Hye sat down beside him. “Junmi, whatever it is, you know you can talk to me, right?” Hye placed his hand on Junmi’s shoulder, but the sudden contact made Junmi flinch out of habit.
“Sorry…” Junmi looked at Hye. “Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you with my problems.”
Hye offered Junmi a small smile. “Junmi, you’re not bothering me.”
With a shaky sigh, Junmi collected his thoughts. “So…uhh…you see...I’m sorry, this is going to be all over the place.” Junmi choked out a sad laugh. “Ahn Minhui and I used to be friends.” Hye raised his eyebrows in amusement? Surprise? “We were…we were really close and everything. She was…basically my only friend. Everyday, we would sit together, talk together, practice together. When she wasn’t with her other friends, we were practically inseparable.
“Around…a few months after we became friends, Minhui started shutting everybody out. It was her voice problems and everything.” Junmi frowned at the thought of Minhui’s documentary. “Her ignoring me broke me, if I’m completely honest. I thought it was my fault. I still feel like it’s my fault. She explained to me why she ignored me, but Minhui…I don’t think she understood why I was hurt.” Junmi knew he was skimming over details, minimizing the emotions he felt, but it was still too difficult for him to talk about.
“How does this relate to what happened just now? Did…did she bring it up?” Hye’s eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“No, it’s not that. It’s just…she’s never been the same with me after that explanation. Minhui used to encourage me, used to give me advice that helped me. Now, it always feels like she is purposely stressing me out. Hye…I can’t even think about her without getting nervous. So seeing her, up with the judges, it’s just too much. The way she looks at me, it’s like I failed her somehow.” Junmi didn’t even realize he had started crying. There was a moment of silence between the two boys.
Hye’s voice was soft, calm. “Have you told anyone else about this?” Junmi shook his head. Hye offered Junmi a small smile. “Thank you for telling me.” Junmi tried to return the smile. “You don’t have to go through this alone, Junmi.” Hye offered his hand out to Junmi. After a moment of hesitation, Junmi slowly took it, and Hye squeezed his hand. It was…reassuring. The fuzziness around Junmi faded, and he closed his eyes for a moment.
Talking with Hye hadn’t gotten rid of the confusing, overwhelming emotions that Minhui caused, but Junmi felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Read: The Bracelet

The bracelet had fallen out of Taylor’s pocket weeks ago. Junmi had picked it up, noticing it on the practice room floor, but never had a chance to give it back. It was nothing special, just a circle of fabric, but Junmi didn’t know if it was special to Taylor, so he kept it. Junmi, honestly, forgot about the bracelet. He had tucked it safely in his own items, but it had just stayed there.
Until today.
In the flurry of trainees packing yesterday, Junmi hadn’t gotten a chance to say goodbye to Taylor. He tried, he really did, but it seemed like everyone else wanted to do the same thing. He had spent the rest of the day with Hye and Kyler, since his dorm room was now taken up by every single trainee that was trying to help Taylor pack and Katsuo move in. Junmi knew that the SUN Entertainment van would arrive later the next morning than the other vans, due to Minhui having to leave as well, but that still didn’t give him any chance to see Taylor. He would be with the other trainees waiting to leave and Junmi didn’t want to be around that chaos. He also knew that the staff probably wouldn’t let him go there either.
Junmi tried not to think about how much he wanted to talk to Taylor. He felt as if he desperately needed to tell him that it was going to be alright, that he still had so many chances ahead of him. Junmi…had begun to feel like a brother to Taylor. It was embarrassing, but Junmi couldn’t deny it at this point. It made him want to cry. And it did make him cry. Junmi was thankful that Katsuo didn’t question it, since a lot of trainees were probably in Junmi’s situation today as well.
As the morning light shone through the window, something caught Junmi’s eye. It was the bracelet, peeking out from where he stashed it in a bag. Junmi grabbed it, and the guilt of not giving it back to Taylor was strong, though emphasized by the emotions already wracking him. Junmi checked his watch.
Katsuo had never seen someone move that fast.
Junmi was thankful for his personal stamina improvement due to the show, only somewhat out-of-breath when he reached the door to the parking lot. The staff member standing by the door gave him a look of confusion. Before they could say anything, Junmi held up the bracelet. “Min Taylor forgot this. Can I quickly go give it to him?”
The staff member stared at him unphased. Junmi tried to give them the most idol-like, charming, pleading smile he could. The staff member sighed. “Go. Be quick.”
Junmi burst through the door, and Taylor came into view. “Taylor, wait!” Junmi shouted, running over to him. He couldn’t help the smile of relief that crawled onto his face.
Taylor turned around, and Junmi’s smile faltered. Taylor’s eyes were ringed with pink and the tear-streaks down his cheeks reflected the morning sun. He felt something stick in his throat. It hurt to see Taylor, normally bright and smiling, like this.
Taylor gave him a confused look. “Junmi? I’m supposed to be leaving…are you even allowed out here?”
In reply, Junmi glanced over his shoulder at the staff member waiting in the open door. Turning back to Taylor, Junmi held up the bracelet. “You forgot this…”
Taylor hesitantly took the bracelet from Junmi, and examined it slowly. A very faint smile formed on Taylor’s face as he looked at the bracelet, and Junmi wanted to cry. This moment, Taylor right here, was such a contrast from the loud, energetic boy that Junmi had found annoying just a few months ago. Junmi felt a new wave of guilt wash over him, this time about how he treated Taylor. Junmi didn’t know Taylor very well before the show, only having watched his crazy antics from across the practice room. He had joked that Taylor was just Rui with enough energy to power a small country, earning a punch on the shoulder from Rui, but Junmi had found Taylor annoying at the time.
Junmi barely talked to Taylor even after their confirmation of being on Star Maker X 101. Taylor and Yunmin talked a lot, but Junmi had been too uptight, too dramatic. He ignored Taylor’s attempts to befriend him, and gave Taylor the cold shoulder, even if he didn’t mean to. Junmi of course couldn’t deny that Taylor had a charming personality, but at that time, he hated it.
Junmi didn’t think he could ever hate anything about Taylor now. And the guilt of having felt that way about Taylor before, even though Taylor didn’t know, it ate Junmi up inside.
He also felt the guilt that he would be the only SUN Entertainment trainee left in the show. The two of them had promised Yunmin that they would win, and they were so close. Junmi wasn’t sure if he could keep the promise anymore.
Feeling the tears start to form, Junmi tried to swallow them back as a small silence settled over the two boys. He had to apologize. For how he treated Taylor. In case he couldn’t keep the promise. Taylor deserved that. “Taylor…I’m sorry.” Junmi choked out. He meant to say more, but it was as if something was blocking his voice.
Taylor tilted his head a bit, confused probably, but then his eyes lit up a bit as if he had figured something out. “Junmi…you’re going to make it.” The seriousness in Taylor’s voice was something Junmi didn’t expect. “I promise. I know we promised Yunmin that we’d win this, together, but there’s nothing we can do about it now except moving on. Right? And I know you don’t see this, but honestly Junmi? If any of the three of us was going to make it this far, it was always you. It was always you.” Those four words slapped Junmi right in the face. “You have to understand that. Please, for my sake. For Yunmin’s sake. You can do this.”
The warmth Junmi felt, hearing those words, was overwhelming. All he could do was smile. But in this moment of weakness, of not staying on guard, the bittersweet thoughts came tumbling back into his head. Taylor should be the one receiving those words. He deserved it, for all of the love he showed to Junmi, to the other trainees. Taylor deserved so much better. Junmi knew that there was nowhere in that building where Taylor’s bright energy didn’t effect, and it would be lonely without him.
Junmi would be lonely without him.
Suddenly, Junmi felt arms around him, hugging him tightly. He could hear how shaky Taylor’s breath was, and it was too much. Junmi rested his forehead on the shoulder of Taylor’s jacket and let all of the emotions from the past few days out. He felt Taylor’s grip tighten as the younger boy began to cry as well. The two stood there in the cold parking lot, crying their eyes out, until Junmi heard the staff member call out to him, telling him it was time to go back.
As Junmi went to walk away, he let the brotherly instincts kick in and ruffled Taylor’s hair. “Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough.” With those words, Junmi turned around and walked back to the building. Something inside him felt…different. Of course, Junmi was scared for the future. It wouldn’t be normal for a trainee not to feel like that. But he also felt a strong, stable, energizing sense of determination. He would win this. For Yunmin. For Taylor. For every single trainee that still had so much left to show.

Read: The Winner

When his name was called, he had already accepted failure. Junmi didn’t have time to process his name being called, immediately being hit from all sides with embraces. Time felt like molasses, the noise around him fuzzy yet deafening. His vision was a bit blurry, but maybe it was because everything around him was moving. He couldn’t think. He let out a breath that had been trapped in his lungs and blinked.
When everything came back into focus, Junmi was crying. He had to take a moment to process his surroundings. Where was he again? On stage. Why were there people cheering in the crowd? It was the finale. Why were the trainees around him encouraging him to go give a speech?
He placed 6th.
The realization hit him powerfully. The already flowing tears increased tenfold. As he walked over to give his speech, he felt emotions bubble up violently inside him. He felt like throwing up until his brain processed that what he was feeling was the absolute farthest thing from sadness.
Junmi was happy.
Junmi had never felt this much happiness in his entire life.
With shaking hands, he received a microphone from the staff member on stage. He steadied himself with a couple of deep breaths before looking up at the camera. “...I…I” He wanted to say so much, but there were too many words flying through his head. He heard a distinctly familiar “You’ve got this, Junmi!” from the crowd, and resisted the urge to figure out where Taylor was sitting in the audience. “We did it…” Junmi smiled as he spoke. “Taylor…Yunmin…thank you.” And with that, the tears resumed their freefall down his face, and Junmi sat down.
When Kyler’s name was called, Junmi was completely in the present. The overwhelming sense of joy from before continued on, Junmi cheering as loud as he could. Kyler made eye contact with him as he went to make his speech, and Junmi gave him a thumbs up, just as Kyler had done for Junmi in the first eliminations.
The joy Junmi felt distracted him for long enough that he didn’t think about the fact that Hye’s name hadn’t been called yet. But then they were announcing the candidates for ninth place, and Junmi felt the fear run through him.
Hye, along with Kyler, was one of the people Junmi had grown to care a lot about in the past few months. The three of them had become inseparable. Junmi felt like he could be himself around them without any worries. Hye especially had helped Junmi a lot, comforting him at a time when Junmi was overwhelmed. When Hye was announced as a candidate, Junmi felt a sense of relief, but it was only momentary.
Upon hearing Hye’s name being called as the 11th place trainee, Junmi instinctively turned to Kyler. Kyler was already looking at him, eyes filled with horror. Junmi bit his lip, and tried not to cry. Hye could still debut, right? He could get the producer’s pick, right?
He had to.
But he didn’t.
As soon as he was allowed to, Junmi jumped up from his seat. So many trainees were moving around him, but in the chaos, he saw Taylor and Yunmin waving at him and running up to the stage along with a few other former trainees that were in the audience. As he approached them, Junmi was almost tackled by the two boys hugging him. Junmi smiled as the two pulled away. “I did it for you guys…”
Taylor wiped his eyes. “And we’re so proud of you.” He sniffed, and then laughed.
“Have fun at your debut,” Yunmin cheered.
As Taylor and Yunmin went to go greet other trainees, Junmi looked out into the crowd, and met eyes with Ahn Minhui. She was sitting politely in her seat, watching the three boys. Her eyes met his.
It was the first time in a long time where Junmi didn’t feel like running away from her.
Minhui nodded at him.
Before he could react to the situation, Junmi was being tugged away by a very fast walking Kyler.
---
“Well, this is it…Kyler…Junmi…” Junmi felt admiration towards Hye for how he was the most put-together of the three of them.
“Hye, we will meet again, promise!” Kyler exclaimed. The amount of emotion in Kyler’s voice triggered any remaining strong emotions Junmi was holding back.
Without any hesitation, Junmi leaped forward and embraced Hye in a tight hug. “Thank you so much,” he cried, warm tears flooding down his face. He didn’t mention what for, but he knew that Hye knew.
Hye hugged him back. “Thank you, Junmi.”
Junmi didn’t want to let go.

Read: The Warmth

Junmi didn’t expect his first return to the company building to be this soon. He kind of forgot about the side of debuting that included signing a bunch of papers, and about the couple of things he had left in his training locker. He sighed as he stared out the van’s window at the familiar streets. Yes, Junmi had missed this, but he was expecting something…more triumphant? That wasn’t the right word. He was expecting something different. Not just him and a manager quietly driving back.
Pulling up to the building brought mixed emotions to Junmi. On one hand, he felt a sense of discomfort seeing the building he had spent so much time in. The last time he was here, he was expecting to return after failing. The aftertaste of the memory was bittersweet, and Junmi grimaced.
On the other hand, Junmi felt…happy. He wasn’t returning a failure at all. Junmi had proved himself, and he didn’t need to worry about the possibility of debut anymore. The silver doors slid open before him, and Junmi stepped forward. As he walked into the lobby, Junmi’s eyes immediately fell on a boy chatting happily with a staff member.
His hair was bleached to an almost silver platinum blonde, and he was wearing clothes that looked too fancy to be practice wear, but it was still Jang Rui, same as always. Upon this realization, Junmi froze where he was, a smile crawling onto his face without him realizing it.
At the sound of the doors shutting loudly behind Junmi, Rui whipped around to face the noise, eyes landing on the frozen boy. “Junmi!” Rui all but shrieked as he broke into a sprint across the lobby floor. Junmi was surprised that Rui was able to stop right in front of him without running into him.
The two boys stood facing each other, smiling brightly. Rui stared at Junmi as if he couldn’t believe he was there, his breaths from running laced with light laughter. His eyes were sparkling with a brightness Junmi could barely comprehend. Junmi’s smile only grew.
After a moment of hesitation, Rui placed his hands on Junmi’s shoulders. “Hi.”
Maybe Junmi felt like crying at the sound of Rui’s voice. “Hi.” The two didn’t say anything for a moment. Junmi was still processing the boy standing in front of him. He couldn’t think of anything to say.
Seeing Rui again after all these months felt like finding warmth after a cold winter.
Rui was the one to break the silence. “You did it.”
Junmi nodded. “Yeah…I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”
“I don’t blame you. Being able to stand up there, just waiting for almost certain doom…that takes a lot of courage, I think. I’d probably faint if I was in that situation. I’d probably die due to stress.”
“You’re being dramatic.” Junmi sighed, but smiled. He had missed this, being able to talk to Rui. He didn’t know why, but he had expected Rui to be…different. Maybe it was because of everything changing around him. Junmi hadn’t had an ounce of stability until his debut was secured. Rui being the same silly, smiling, joyful person just like before was comforting to Junmi.
“I’m not being dramatic! I’m serious! …I was there. At the filming. The company made me wear a mask and stuff so you probably didn’t see me, but I was there! And based on how I felt…I can’t imagine how it was like for you.” Rui shook his head. “You are really cool, Junmi.”
The last comment made Junmi laugh a bit, but he was a bit in shock that Rui went to go watch the finale. Something about that fact made Junmi’s chest fill with a gentle warmth. Junmi wanted to talk more about Rui there, but something kept catching his eye and he needed to ask about it. He motioned with his eyes. “Your hair?”
As if on instinct to it being called out, Rui immediately moved his hands to fix his hair. He smiled sheepishly. “The company made me do it.”
“It looks nice.” Junmi was being genuine. The hair colour suited Rui a lot, and made his eyes shine. Junmi also sensed that Rui was a bit self-conscious about it, and it threw him off a bit.
Rui sighed, and the sound was a bit sad. “I’d hope so.”
Another silence fell over the boys, and Junmi regretted mentioning Rui’s hair. It didn’t seem like something Rui wanted to talk about, and Junmi didn’t want to pressure him.
In this silence, Junmi thought about something he had avoided thinking about, how he left for the show without saying goodbye to Rui. Junmi felt a deep sense of guilt about it. The way he just ghosted Rui out of nowhere, it was just like what Minhui did to him. Rui didn’t deserve that. Yes, Junmi had been busy with preparations, but he could have made time for Rui.
Junmi bit his lip, and then spoke. “Rui, I’m sorry. About how I treated you before I left. I completely ignored you, and you didn’t deserve that. I…I didn’t even say goodbye to you. That was a really bad thing to do. I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, Junmi.” Rui laughed lightly. Junmi was confused. “Yeah, it did kind of hurt, but I get it. I could barely even try to talk to you in the first place. It was like the staff were your personal bodyguards. So I don’t blame you for not talking to me. The show was, and should have been, your biggest priority. Thank you though…for apologizing. I’m happy to know that you weren’t doing it on purpose.” Junmi wanted to cry.
Before Junmi could say anything else, a staff member peered into the lobby, and Junmi suddenly remembered that he was here to actually do things, not just talk to Rui. Rui seemed to have realized it too. “I shouldn’t keep you for too much longer, Mr. Debut Group Idol. It was really nice seeing you again, Junmi. Don’t forget about me when you start getting music show wins.”
Junmi laughed as he began to walk past Rui. “You think I could forget about you?”
Before he could get too far, he felt a hand grab his wrist. He turned back to Rui, who was smiling.
“We’ll still hang out, right? When you’re not too busy?”
“Of course.” Junmi smiled. “You’re my best friend.”

2022 - present: SOLUNEX[]

Read: It's A Cat

Junmi wasn’t one to use his phone much. He checked his text messages only occasionally, save for the SOLUNEX chat, and rarely made phone calls. An exception to this, though, was Jang Rui, who had a lot of freetime for someone preparing to debut. Junmi didn’t mind talking to Rui over the phone, and it was nice still being able to hear his best friend’s voice despite not being able to meet up due to schedules. Today, Junmi did not feel this way.
“Your emoji…is a cat.” Rui’s laughter echoed through the phone loudly, and Junmi was glad that Kyler and Shion both decided to be elsewhere at this moment. Junmi sighed. “It’s a cat? It’s a cat?”
“Yes, it’s a cat, Rui.” Junmi did not want to be talking about his representative emoji right now. The embarrassment was slowly settling in, even though Junmi was completely fine with the emoji before.
Rui was still giggling. “Why?”
Junmi shrugged. “I don’t know, I just like cats.” It was true. Junmi liked cats, and the company gave him the emoji.
“Or is it because you have cat-like tendencies? I’m sure if I sprayed water at you, you’d recoil and punch me or something.”
“You’d be punched in that situation no matter who you spray water at. And how does that support your point?”
“Hmm, okay. You are like a cat that tries to be scary and fierce, but isn’t.”
Junmi didn’t want to continue this conversation. “Why do you do this to me?”
Rui laughed. “It’s not my fault you’re so easy to tease!” The two sat in a moment of comfortable silence while Junmi thought of something to say. Rui was debuting too, so he had to have an emoji too, right?
“What’s your representative emoji then?” Junmi inquired.
“A butterfly!” Rui replied happily.
“Why?”
Junmi could hear the light mocking tone laced in Rui’s voice. “I don’t know, I just like butterflies.”
This earned an exasperated sigh from Junmi, and an accidentally in English, “You’re insufferable.”.
“Insufferable? You want me to be insufferable?” Rui joked.
“No. No, I don’t. Rui, don’t.”
But Junmi knew it was too late. He had provided Rui with the perfect piece of emotional blackmail already, having said something during the most recent livestream with Kyler and Shion. There was no stopping Rui, and Junmi flinched as soon as the sound left Rui’s mouth, a perfect replicate of what Junmi had said. “Nya.”
“The next time I see you, I swear, I will punt you into the sun, Jang Rui.”
It was at this exact moment that Kyler happened to walk past the open door of the dorm room. After a moment of brief, very awkward eye contact with the understandably visibly confused boy, Junmi offered a smile that he hoped conveyed that the sentiment was reserved for Rui only. Kyler offered an equally awkward smile back, but scurried away as soon as they broke eye contact.
Rui was cackling now, and Junmi was going to punch him the next time he saw him. “I can’t believe you said that on a livestream. It’s too good.”
Junmi sighed. “Please, no.”
“The Junmi I know would never say such a thing!” Rui joked.
“Yeah, and he’s regretting ever saying it too.” Junmi rubbed a hand down his face, as if it could wipe away the memory.
“It’s cute though.” There was a pause. Junmi felt the flush of embarrassment rise to his cheeks. “The fans like that sort of thing,” Rui continued.
Oh, right, the fans. Junmi had been forgetting that part of the job of being an idol was doing things the fans liked. If that meant making cat noises on a livestream, then Junmi would just have to persevere. Even if it filled him with embarrassment and he had to suffer through Rui’s teasing.
There was a sigh from Rui’s end. “As much as I fear the repercussions of my actions, we need to hang out in person again soon.” Junmi silently agreed. The sooner he could get his revenge for this embarrassment, the better. “I miss you.”
Those three words caught Junmi…off-guard. He was glad he wasn’t in an emotional mood today. “We literally saw each other, what was it, a week ago? You survived just fine without me for a few months. I’m sure you can handle more than a week.”
“Can I, though?” Rui had put the joking, light tone back in his voice, but it sounded forced. A moment of silence fell on the two boys, before Kyler peeked back into the dorm room, motioning for Junmi to come see something.
“Well, uh, it appears I’m…needed elsewhere…or something. Bye, Rui. I’ll call you when I have another bit of freetime.”
“Bye,” Rui replied. And then, in English, “Aww, now I’m going to be feline lonely for the rest of the day.”
Junmi decided that the cat thing was going to have to be part of his life now.

Read: Alone

Maybe Junmi was used to being alone. He had honestly been alone for so long.
An only child, he had his parents, but friends were hard to come by. He drew himself into his protective bubble, fending off the pins threatening to pop it. Inwards and inwards, no one to talk to and yet all the things to talk about. Junmi attributes this as to why he started writing lyrics.
He remembers when his classmates took notice of it.
“Junmi, do you want to come play soccer with us?” The shining eyes of the elementary third year holding the dirt crusted soccer ball bored holes into the side of Junmi’s face. He shifted his head from where he was resting it on his arm, but didn’t move his arm from its place hovering a pencil over his notebook. The soccer ball was yellowing from age, the scuffs from years of use evident. It still reflected light, but Junmi figured a couple more years would do it in. The kids took it out every day and kicked it around for as long as they could before the teachers chased them inside. Junmi would often hear the strange bouncing noises it made when it hit the wall, and wondered how it still made those noises when it probably was too soft to bounce off a wall. He wondered how much the kids must love the soccer ball. “Junmi?”
“Huh?” Oh, the boy was still there. Junmi blinked, before glancing at his notebook. The words were scribbled, the characters artistically messy. He looked back at the boy. “Sorry, no.”
The boy took notice of Junmi’s notebook, leaning over way too way into Junmi’s personal space. “What’s this?” Junmi reached to hide the book, to say that it was nothing. It was embarrassing. He hadn’t written any good poetry for a while.
Before Junmi could do anything, the boy snatched the book up. His eyes began scanning the page, and he spoke the words softly.
“The autumn leaves, yellow, orange, red
. The fire that you say you feel in these colours
. Why haven’t I found it
.Their eyes stare at me
. Am I really that weird
. Help, I scream into my head
. The leaves still fall and I drown in my own
.Pathetic
. Pathetic
. Cold”
Junmi couldn’t ignore the tickle of tears that had sprung up in his eyes. The boy spoke the words with a sense of almost disgust, maybe teasing. It was not how it was meant to be read. It should be read with a softness, a kindness, an understanding.
The notebook was thrown back on his desk with no care. “Weird freak.” The boy walked away, his entourage of soccer obsessed children following as he went to go play. Kids were mean. They had no empathy once social order was in place. They couldn’t understand the art of words.
That day hadn’t stopped Junmi’s love of writing. Maybe it had only fueled the fire in his heart more.
Junmi remembers when his friends from his dance crew found his writing.
“Junmi, I am sitting beside you whether you like it or not.” Yoon Wonyoung lifted herself onto the stage with the grace of someone who had no sense of grace but was very strong. The bubbly leader of the dance crew always talked to Junmi like he was going to run away from her if she gave him an opportunity to. Junmi pulled his notebook to his chest, hiding his lyrics from view. Wonyoung sighed, and Junmi could tell she just finished practicing a song. The other crew members hadn’t arrived yet, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary for Junmi and Wonyoung to be the first two people there.
Wonyoung wasn’t really Junmi’s close friend. She acted like she was, having been the one to basically force Junmi into the group when they needed one more person for their dance cover. She took care of him in the group, taking time to teach him how to properly dance girl group covers. He was still getting the hang of things, but it was still something he was working on. The group had been trying their best through all the lockdown restrictions to make the crew work, so Wonyoung seemed to take all her energy and put it into making sure all the members understood what they were doing.
“What are you writing?” Wonyoung liked to ask things like she was Junmi’s friend.
“Not your business, Wonyoung.” Junmi didn’t say it with any malice in his voice, but he had to talk like this with Wonyoung. She was nosy.
“Come on, Junmi! You never let us know anything about you. Let me see.” Wonyoung gave him a look that made Junmi drop his guard for a second, and then she pulled the book from his grasp.
“Hey!” But she was already reading the lyrics. They weren’t lyrics yet, just poetry in the most vague form.
“Red scribbles cover the page
. That’s how you say it feels like
. If I dropped the weight I am carrying
. Would it be enough for me to float
. Like a chain
. Slowly
. Slowly
. But it won’t let go
Wingless bird.”
“Are these…supposed to be lyrics?” Wonyoung gave him a look of confusion.
Junmi looked away. “Not yet. They’re getting there.”
He could tell she found it weird. She gave him the book back. “Keep writing, Junmi. You’ll get there.”
That stung.
Junmi remembers when Minhui took her first look at his lyrics since they started talking again.
“Change “The weight of the world on my shoulders, the weight of your hands on my shoulders”. If you let me have a couple minutes to think it through, I think I can think of something better.” Minhui pointed her pen at the line on the page.
Junmi sighed, hiding his face in his arm again. His nose touched the cold of the table, and he wanted to give up there and then. Why did the company have to assign him Minhui to look over his lyrics? The two of them had only been talking again for a few months, but that didn’t mean they were close friends again. Junmi lifted his head.
Minhui was in business mode today. She was in business mode every day. Junmi wondered if she ever took a break, or if this is who she was now. Her smiles were rare, and if they happened, they were professional.
“Sure, go ahead, change whatever feels best.” Junmi had spent hours on these lyrics. They were in English too, a new step for his lyrical writing skills. But now SUN Entertainment’s lyric princess was giving them a look, meaning that he would end up with a completely different song with all the changes.
He shifted his notebook on the table. He had been writing other lyrics while he was waiting for her to change his, though these lyrics were not meant to be good. After a while, he noticed Minhui looking over shoulder. She began reading the lyrics out loud.
“The boy in the corner, looking over his shoulder.
Autumn leaves, yellow-green, getting colder and colder
The ice in your heart is yet to defrost, young one.
How many times will they repeat that?
They said I was supposed to be the lost one.
How many times will they repeat that?
If the hurt I feel is justified, then why won’t you smile
They don’t see what I see, I’ve seen past the layers of masks
The daggers all threaten my heart with danger
One wrong step and the trigger is pulled and I fall apart.”
Junmi rushed to push the notebook away, sending it twirling across the table. “Stop.”
“Junmi.”
“Stop!” He had to do everything to keep the tears from stinging his eyes. Those words were not meant for her to read.
Junmi blinked. Here he was, in the present. His notebook was slowly filling up with all the things his instructors had made him write during his first couple of months as a member of SOLUNEX. He looked across the practice room. Aheon was being chased around by Sunwoo. Juwon looked like he was trying to mediate the situation, but failing. Kichiro was warming up, but looked like he was about to start encouraging the chaos even more. Haoyu just stared at the scene with the energy of an exhausted parent. Hajoon was laughing at Haoyu, but he had the same energy. Jungwon was somehow taking a nap through all of this. Shion was watching all this happen like some sort of cryptid standing just out of view.
Junmi smiled.
“Jun-Jun!” Kyler appeared basically out of nowhere beside Junmi, startling him a bit.
“Call me that again and I will punch you.”
Kyler laughed. “We need to find you a nickname that sticks.”
Junmi shook his head, also laughing. “We don’t! Not everyone needs a nickname, Kyler.”
Kyler sighed, defeated, but Junmi knew that he would come up with another nickname soon. Junmi turned back to his notebook. Kyler leaned over. “You’re always writing in that. Do you really have that much inspiration for lyrics?”
Junmi sighed. “I wish. The instructor told me to write as much as I can, and then I can turn it into lyrics later. I just write random things, honestly.”
“I’m sure it’s not just random things. Can I see? If that’s okay with you, of course.”
Junmi froze.
Nobody had ever asked to see his notebook lyrics with his permission. It was either by force, taking his notebook away from him, looking over his shoulder, or he was showing it to instructors because he had to. Nobody in SOLUNEX had dared to look at Junmi’s notebook, with how he closed it every time someone even came close to it. His notebook lyrics were personal. He was okay with showing them other lyrics of his, but not his notebook scribbles.
“Uh, yeah, sure.” He handed the open book over to Kyler carefully. Somehow, he felt okay with showing his lyrics to Kyler now. Maybe all he needed was someone to ask.
Kyler scanned over the random scribbles of words with a smile, reading them out quietly.
“I’ve never felt myself smile like this, why doesn’t it feel like it’s forced
I look over and all I see is who I used to be
Why was he so quiet when the world is waiting for his voice
Why was he so quiet when they want to know what he thinks
A young boy who stares at the autumn leaves and says he relates
Pathetic, cold, pushing himself down the stairs
Falling like a leaf down the spiral until the cold floor catches him and he’s alive
Doesn’t he know all he needs is the spring
The light of a smile can make you feel just as alive as the cold floor
Someday he’ll get it.”
“Junmi! This sounds so cool! I can’t wait to hear what it’ll sound like when it’s finished!” Kyler placed the notebook back into Junmi’s hands.
Junmi smiled. “You think so?”
“Yeah!” Kyler smiled back.
Maybe Junmi wasn’t alone anymore. He knew this. He had known it for a long time. But maybe now, he realized he never wanted to feel alone again.

Read: Missing

Junmi didn’t really know what started the argument. There were some words thrown around, and the youthful energy of the members showed its downside. Maybe he should have stepped in but the argument had already reached its end by the time he actually entered the room. He knew the argument was over something petty, and that the members involved got a little heated over it. Someone said something with the word “Seongmin”, and before Junmi could comprehend anything, a furious Shion turned and stormed past him. Junmi heard the slam of their shared doom’s door, and stared at the remaining members in the room with confusion. Hajoon wasn’t at the dorms at this specific moment, and neither was Haoyu or Kichiro or Kyler, so all the responsible, older members weren’t there to stop the chaos that SOLUNEX tended to descend into whenever possible. Junmi wondered what the other members had said to make Shion that angry, but by their faces, he could tell they all regretted it.
Junmi waited in the kitchen area for a few minutes, waiting for Shion to make his reappearance from the dorm room. The older boy wasn’t always the most comfortable with the other members, still getting used to the group. Junmi had hoped that being one of Shion’s dormmates would have helped them be closer, but he was starting to think that Shion was becoming a lost cause.
Junmi hadn’t really spoken to Shion much during the show. They had crossed paths a couple of times naturally, but Junmi was too intimidated by him to say anything. There was one time where he could say they properly interacted on the show, but it wasn’t either of them who did most of the talking. Taylor had been dragging Junmi around the show’s dorms when they ran into Seongmin and Shion talking in the hallway. Taylor and Seongmin seemed to already be very friendly with each other, immediately jumping into a conversation as if they had been already talking for an hour. Junmi and Shion both just kind of stood there, watching the two excited trainees practically ignore them. While Junmi was unphased by the situation, Shion looked amused. Junmi hadn’t seen Shion smile…ever…so seeing even a glint of content in his eyes was a bit off-putting.
Thinking back on this moment, Junmi wondered if he could figure out a way to at least cheer Shion up. He didn’t know what was said, and he didn’t really want to, since it was probably meaningless overheated words, but he didn’t want Shion to be down the whole day. He carefully made his way over to the dorm room, where the slamming of the door had caused it to swing back open from the force. They really needed to fix the door hinges, as it didn’t take much for the door to open.
Junmi peaked around the doorframe to see Shion sitting in complete silence on his bed in the dark, with only the light of his small table lamp, scribbling aggressively on a piece of paper. “Hey,” Junmi said quietly, but it was loud enough that Shion stopped and looked up. He still looked…pissed, to put it lightly. His cold eyes glared at Junmi, but Junmi understood that none of the anger was at him. He stepped into the room, turning on the light and closing the door a bit.
Once Junmi had stepped into the room, Shion had immediately turned back to whatever he was writing before.
Junmi carefully approached Shion, and sat beside him. “What are you doing?”
Shion glared at Junmi, but his voice didn’t quite hold the harshness of his gaze. “Writing.”
“Why?”
“I see you do it when you get stressed.” Shion mumbled, looking away.
A short laugh of surprise escaped Junmi’s mouth, which made him think of Rui for a second, but then he focused back on the present. “You noticed that?”
“It’s not very helpful. I’ve written about three songs worth of lyrics in the past 10 minutes.” Shion shoved the slightly crumpled papers towards Junmi. Junmi scanned them over quickly. Shion’s lyrics were normally pretty good. The instructor that helped the members of SOLUNEX who could write lyrics gave Shion the highest compliments for the depths in his lyrics, and Junmi admired that.
These lyrics were…something? They were effortlessly more coherent than Junmi’s drabbles even on a good day, but they missed the point of “writing out your emotions” and went straight for “write an actual entire three songs”. And they were pretty dark. Shion’s darker lyrics were known for their emotional complexity and deeper meanings, but this was not that.
“You know, Shion,” Junmi started, and held his ground against Shion’s sudden glare. He could sense that Shion wanted validation for his attempt at writing away his anger, but that wasn’t what he needed. “Maybe you could just talk it out? I feel like that might work better than this.”
Junmi placed the papers gently back where Shion was sitting, and the quiet boy’s glare turned to a slightly confused frown. “I’m not the type of person to ‘talk things out’. You know that.”
Junmi sighed. “Yeah, that’s fair. I’m not much of a talker either.” And then, Junmi found an opening in the conversation. “I don’t know how Taylor does it, all that talking.”
At the mention of Taylor, Junmi watched as Shion perked up. Junmi’s words had their intended effect.
Sensing that Shion wasn’t going to talk much at all, Junmi spoke. “Like, I get that his whole thing is “being the personification of a ray of sunshine”, but the sun doesn’t talk.” That was something Rui had said before. “I can see why he and Seongmin got along so well.” And there it was.
Shion let out the smallest laugh. “If “got along so well” means “getting chased by Seongmin at the end of every interaction”, then sure.” The smile in Shion’s eyes was the most positive emotion Junmi had seen the boy express during their first couple of months together in SOLUNEX.
“Did Seongmin actually chase Taylor that much? Taylor kept telling me he was getting better at running really fast but I thought he was just being, you know, Taylor.”
“Seongmin reported back to me every time he was “successful at catching the rabbit”. Don’t ask me why he kept doing it, because there was no way for me to stop Seongmin. He’s such a dork. I love him.” Shion’s laughter grew a bit, and it was genuine. The two boys sat together lightly laughing for a few seconds, before Shion realized he was still laughing and suddenly went back to being quiet and brooding. He looked away. “I miss him.”
Junmi nudged Shion’s shoulder with his own shoulder very lightly. “I understand how you feel. Well, maybe not quite exactly. But still. I have someone who I’m really close to that I miss as well. It’s hard, but we can get through it together. We just need to work hard for our debut, and then we’ll have more freetime to go and hang out with people in person.”
Shion didn’t really make any movements to indicate that Junmi’s words made him feel any better, but Junmi assumed that silence was better than Shion shutting the words down completely. Junmi wasn’t very good at this whole comforting thing, at least from his own perspective. He hadn’t even solved whatever problem caused the argument between Shion and the other members, so his efforts might just be a temporary solution.
Junmi’s words must have helped somewhat, as an hour after Junmi went back out to the kitchen area, Shion quietly made his way out of the room. Upon approaching the kitchen, Shion was suddenly met with the members who he had been arguing with. Junmi watched as the members gave deep bows and apologized to Shion for what they said. Shion was still giving them cold eyes, but then he glanced at Junmi, and turned back to the members and grumbled out something about it being fine. Junmi felt himself smile.
Maybe Shion was never a lost cause. Maybe he just needed to know that he wasn’t alone.

Read: Dealing With Emotions

Junmi wasn’t the best at dealing with other people’s emotions. He didn’t know the right words to say, the right things to do. He didn’t even have a good grasp on his own emotions, so helping other people with theirs was a difficult task. And yet, as one of the more calm members of SOLUNEX, Junmi found himself having to do it more often. And every time, he tried his best. He really did. He was proud of himself, honestly, seeing Shion becoming slightly less closed off after Junmi talked to him about Seongmin. He had texted Rui about it vaguely. Rui had told him “my sunshine attitude is wearing off on you”. Junmi had sent a long string of “nope”’s.
But that was because Rui was kind of right.
Junmi remembers it fondly now, even though he had never thought back on it much before. It was in 2021, sometime in the summer. A new batch of trainees had arrived, ages varying, but most were younger than Junmi and Rui. Rui always loved watching the new trainees on their first day, peeking in on their separated first few lessons to see them adjust to being trainees. Junmi had been dragged out of practice by Rui on that day, Rui wanting Junmi to understand this. The door to the practice room was open, the instructor expecting Rui’s presence. Junmi had teased Rui about it, but stopped teasing him when he realized the instructor wanted Rui to help teach the lesson.
Rui was pretty good with the younger trainees. They all seemed hesitant, but Rui’s smile and kind voice and energetic attitude helped them calm down and relax. He was pretty good at teaching, explaining things in a way that was easy to remember yet got the point across. Junmi, from where he was sitting on the bench at the back, found himself following the arm movements of choreography without thinking about it. Occasionally, Rui would make eye contact with Junmi in the mirror, and Junmi would realize that he was smiling and Rui would notice and laugh.
During a break, one of the trainees had sat down on the floor, looking defeated. Junmi watched carefully, noticing that this trainee was the only trainee not looking happy. The trainee started to sniffle a bit, and then started crying quietly. Before Junmi could think of what to do, Rui was there. He knelt down beside the trainee, not too close but close enough. He spoke softly to get her attention, telling her to listen to his voice. She had started shaking a bit, along with her crying. Rui had instructed her to breathe in for 4 seconds, counting them for her, and then breathe out for 5, with reassurances scattered in. He got her to repeat this a few times, never leaving her side. His eyes were kind, and he didn’t look worried. His voice was gentle, never raising. When she had calmed down and looked at him, he smiled, and then she smiled. The trainee was okay the rest of the lesson, and looked quite happy the whole time. Rui never dropped his smile.
After the lesson, Rui had ran over to Junmi excitedly, obviously wanting to hear compliments about his dance teaching skills. Junmi could only think about how he helped the trainee. Junmi wondered how Rui knew what to do.
Now, watching Kyler in an obviously not okay state, Junmi thought of Rui. He followed every step of the process. Sit close, but not too close. Tell him to listen to your voice, keeping your voice gentle and calm. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. Smile. Junmi wasn’t sure he was doing it right, but he kept remembering the smile the trainee and Rui shared afterward. He wanted Kyler to smile. He was going to everything he could to make that happen.
Rui’s sunshine attitude hadn’t really rubbed off on him, but this? This had.

Read: Again

The trio of livestreaming members were in the middle of talking about the Outside The Box finale, a topic Junmi was tuning out a bit, when a message caught Junmi’s eye.
“‘Junmi, meo-’ No.” Junmi covered his face for a second, realizing how close he had been to repeating that dreaded word. It was bad enough with the SOLUNEX members reminding him about it every time he thought he escaped it, but now he was just walking into the trap.
Sunwoo pointed at him with excitement and a smirk. “You read it into existence. You need to do it now!” He nudged Junmi, who raised his eyebrows at Sunwoo in return. Kyler let out a hearty laugh.
“I can’t do that again.” Junmi shook his head in defiance of Sunwoo’s now jokingly pleading face. “It’s too embarrassing!” Junmi could imagine Rui flooding his messages with teasing if he did it. The thought alone made him want to run away.
He turned his attention back to the phone in his hand. The chat messages raced by at an almost incomprehensible speed. The fans were shouting at him to perform the embarrassing action and repeat the embarrassing word. Junmi let out a small laugh, wondering why all of these people actually wanted him to make a fool of himself.
What about Taylor?
In the flurry of chat messages, the words screamed out at him.
In a moment that felt like time stood still, Junmi’s eyes followed the message as it ascended and left the screen. Gone and ignored by everyone else. Junmi flinched by no choice of his own.
He put the phone down.
Sunwoo and Kyler were still laughing. The normally joyful sound pierced Junmi’s ears.
Kyler poked him on the shoulder playfully, but the jab hurt. Junmi flinched again. “Come on, Junmi!” Kyler whined. His smile was still plastered to his face, but Junmi knew his own was gone.
From the other side, Sunwoo spoke up again. “Everyone wants you to!” He helpfully pointed at the chat messages on the tablet in front of them. Junmi couldn’t look at it.
Everything felt a bit fuzzy.
“Guys, I…” Junmi’s words got trapped pathetically in his throat. The message scrolled by in a constant loop in his mind. He could feel his breath betraying him, and demanded his lungs to take in more air.
Sunwoo gave him a friendly shake of the shoulders, rattling the message around Junmi’s brain. Its jagged edge bounced off every surface, stabbing the words into his skull. “Please?” Sunwoo pleaded with a childish tone.
Why was this happening now of all places? Junmi hadn’t…he hadn’t…he hadn’t felt like this in so long. He was doing so well. He had almost forgotten what it felt like. To feel like this. To push down the pain welling up in his throat. To command his heart to calm. To brush away the fuzz dancing around his mind.
Junmi couldn’t take it. But here he was.
“Stop it.” Junmi mumbled pathetically. He just needed to get through this livestream, and then he could go sit in his dorm or walk outside or just do something, anything, to stop thinking about it. “I’m not really in the mood…” The words faded off but Junmi hoped that the two understood that this wasn’t about what they thought it was.
He accidentally glanced at the tablet. Nobody cared about his feelings in that moment. All they cared about was some stupid bit that Junmi didn’t care at all about right now.
Junmi knew it was a stupid move, but he stood up and walked away.
Kyler’s voice called out behind him. “Junmi, wait!” He heard the scrambling of Kyler getting up, the mumbling of Sunwoo ending the livestream, the sound of his own fleeing steps. Despite the fuzziness, Junmi’s legs somehow found the power to quicken his pace, staying ahead of Kyler and Sunwoo. He made his way through the dorm and down the hallway, the world a blur around him. Junmi ripped open the door to his shared room and shut it tight behind him. He threw his back against the wood and slid down, bringing his knees up and hugging them with his arms.
He spared a glance up, and was relieved that Shion was nowhere to be found.
“Junmi!” Kyler had reached the door, but knew better than to try to open it. “Junmi, open the door, please.”
Junmi’s voice was weak. His ears were full of nothing. “No.”
He could hear Kyler’s concerned sigh through the door. “Come on, Junmi. You know it was just a bit. We weren’t going to actually make you do it.”
Junmi raised his voice a bit. “I don’t care about that.”
“Junmi, are you okay?”
“Can you just leave me alone?” The words left his mouth a bit sharper than Junmi intended, like spitting out a sword.
After a few moments, the defeated sounds of Kyler’s steps faded away. Junmi was left in the dark and quiet numbness. The words shined in white in his mind, the only clear thing he could think of. In the self-imposed loneliness, Junmi unlocked the gate holding back the feelings.
When Taylor had sent him the excited messages of being accepted for a second survival show, Junmi had told him that he should try hard, but remember that failure is okay. That kid had caused Junmi trouble, wanting to tire himself out with another survival show almost immediately after being eliminated from Star Maker X 101. Junmi spent a good few minutes just telling Taylor why it was a bad idea, but Taylor had already been accepted, so there was nothing Junmi could do. He believed in Taylor, of course, but the moment they spent in the parking lot of the studio in the cold stung his heart every so often. Junmi knew Taylor was resilient, but he feared that he wasn’t as strong as he put out. Junmi didn’t want Taylor to go through any more suffering. If Taylor could have just waited and trained a bit more, then maybe he could have gotten a different chance.
If Taylor could have just waited.
Junmi didn’t bother the other members with watching Outside The Box at first. He wasn’t sure if they wanted to watch a survival show after being on one. As Taylor’s friend, Junmi figured it was his duty to watch the show, as much as it brought back memories, the good and the bad. Hye was a contestant as well, and Junmi really wanted to see him succeed too. Slowly, what started as Junmi just watching from his phone turned into all ten members of SOLUNEX sitting around the television every week. Upon hearing of Hye being a trainee, Junmi didn’t have to do anything to convince Kyler to watch the show with him. Jungwon, Aheon, Haoyu, Hajoon, and Sunwoo all had labelmates in the show, and were more than willing to watch. Juwon, Shion, and Kichiro couldn’t help but join in, since the other members were making such a big commotion about it.
Junmi was so proud of Taylor. Although he was still a bit lacking in skill, Junmi could see the improvement from Star Maker X 101. Taylor had always been confident, but he was shining now. Junmi had to stop himself from crying every week at how proud he was. Kyler kept teasing him, saying things like “It’s your older brother instinct! It’s kicking in!”.
When team Topaz came last, Junmi felt his heart break. Those moments while team Diamond were discussing what to do were full of stress and ache. The members gave Junmi some space as he paced, a habit that wasn’t his but he figured would maybe help him calm down. When Taylor was announced to have been saved, Junmi fell to the floor, and was a bit grateful for Aheon pathetically patting him on the head.
And then team Diamond came last in the next episode.
Junmi just started crying instead of pacing. The members comforted him and assured him that Taylor was popular enough to be saved, that team Sapphire would want him on their team. Hye was on team Sapphire. Junmi wondered if Hye thought of him in that moment, when they chose to save Taylor.
In the finale, team Sapphire was not the winner.
Of course it was the team with two people Junmi cared about. Of course both of them couldn’t debut through this show. Of course it had to be like this.
Junmi was happy for Hye, but he could be happy for Hye and be completely devastated for Taylor.
Junmi had kept it in pretty well. Taylor still looked happy, even though he had just had his chance of debuting in Opal shattered, so Junmi decided to be happy as well. He brushed off the other members’ concerned inquiries, stating that Taylor wouldn’t want him to be sad. Junmi didn’t really know if Taylor cared if he was sad or not, but it got people to stop bugging him about it for a bit. The emotional wall was glass, and all it took was a single message the next day to break.
Junmi didn’t even realize how tear-stained his face had become. How much time had passed? The numbness had subsided, but that allowed Junmi to truly feel everything crashing on him. He felt that in some way, he had failed Taylor. Junmi had built up an image of himself in his mind, and honestly, he did feel like an older brother to Taylor. He was supposed to be there for him. He was supposed to make sure Taylor wasn’t feeling sad.
He slowly pushed himself up, and hesitantly opened the door, stepping back out into the light of the hallway. The dorm was quiet, and Junmi remembered there being some sort of schedule that some of the members were attending, leaving a mostly empty dorm. He shyly peeked into the main area, where Kyler was mindlessly scrolling through things on his phone while relaxing on the couch. Junmi silently took a seat beside him.
“Sorry about earlier,” Junmi mumbled.
Kyler, unphased by Junmi’s quiet entrance, placed his phone down. “Is this…about Taylor?”
Junmi nodded sadly. Kyler moved a bit closer to Junmi, a kind gesture of comfort. Junmi sighed, and wiped a single stray tear threatening to slide down his face. “I’m just worried about him. He works so hard and I don’t want him to beat himself up about this.”
“You said that Taylor wouldn’t want you to be sad-”
“I just said that so you guys wouldn’t bother me about it.” Junmi frowned, admitting the truth. “He loves performing. I…I just don’t want him to give up. He’s had to go through this twice. Twice! I barely got through it once. I just…I worry about him.”
Kyler smiled softly. “Have you reached out to him? I’m sure he would appreciate knowing that you’re thinking about him.”
“Oh.” Junmi almost laughed. He was so bad at messaging people. It was pathetic. “I…I should do that.”
Kyler let out a small, empathetic laugh. “Yes, go do that!” He nudged Junmi on the shoulder. “And you know you can talk to me about this stuff, right? Don’t shut yourself off from me.” -----------------------------------
Taylor still hadn’t responded. Junmi stared at his glowing phone in the dark. He heard Kyler mumble from across the room, telling Junmi to go to sleep. Junmi was tired, but that wasn’t important. He was going to stay awake until he got some sort of indication that Taylor was okay.
Before long, his eyes started to close. He began to slowly drift off, the worry of the day having drained him of his energy.
Bzzt.
Junmi’s eyes snapped open. The notification shone on his screen. It wasn't from Taylor, but it was a picture attachment from Rui. Junmi quickly unlocked his phone.
This gremlin broke his phone charger. Figured you’d want to talk to him.
The photo attached was a selfie of Rui smiling at the camera while poking a laughing Taylor in the face.
Junmi felt his eyes well up with tired tears as a smile formed on his face. He quickly responded.
Even though he fell asleep way too late, Junmi messaged Taylor for the good part of an hour. Taylor was doing okay. He was a bit sad, but Rui had given him some encouragement. Taylor was going to keep practicing, and was planning to ask the company to let him try out other opportunities as well. He talked about Hye, and said hi to Junmi for him. He discussed the possibility of maybe meeting up when Junmi was free, as the two of them hadn’t seen each other in months.
Junmi was proud of his younger brother.

Read: Forgotten

Junmi woke up to an empty room. Upon gaining full awareness of his surroundings, he pushed himself to a sitting position slowly, pulling down the one sleeve of his sweater that had somehow rolled up. Glancing around the dorm room, Junmi frowned. Neither of his dormmates were in their beds. He was sure he hadn’t woken up late.
Maybe they just wanted to relax before practice. That was fair, since their debut was in a week, and the members needed every bit of relaxing they could get. Junmi stretched and stood up before quickly making his bed. He noticed both Kyler and Shion’s beds looked as if the two had woken up in a rush, so he politely tidied up their beds as well.
The dorm was unusually quiet when Junmi stepped into the hallway. It was eerie, but Junmi shrugged it off. The other members were probably asleep.
Junmi prepared some breakfast and ate, and proceeded to get ready for the day. He followed his normal routine, not questioning anything. That was until he tried to turn on his phone and realized it was out of battery. He scavenged around the dorm room for a second before giving up, deciding that his search for his charger could wait.
As he wandered back out into the hallway, the weird silence was much more noticeable. Normally, the chaotic members would be loudly talking with each other, and it was normally at a volume that could be heard throughout the whole dorm. There was just silence. There wasn't even anyone in the hallway. Junmi hesitantly made his way down the hallway. There was no noise coming from the other dorm rooms either. He walked by the kitchen. Nobody was there.
Junmi rounded the corner into the main room.
“Happy birthday!” The nine other members of SOLUNEX yelled the words in almost perfect synchronization. Sunwoo let off a confetti popper dramatically as Juwon and Jungwon threw balloons into the air. Kyler was doing jazz hands, and elbowed Shion to get him to participate in the silly action as well. Haoyu was politely clapping.
“What? I…” Junmi stumbled back, laughing a bit. “Wow.”
“Did you really think we’d forget your birthday, Junmi?” Hajoon asked with a smile.
“Well,” Junmi started, but decided not to go down that route. “I mean, I kind of assumed something was going on because you all are never this quiet at this time.”
Shion piped up, though not that loudly. “I didn’t think they could do it.”
Kyler whacked Shion lightly on the shoulder. “We pulled it off anyways.”
“We’re going to have to clean up so much,” Kichiro pointed out quietly. The confetti had landed chaotically around the room.
The ten members spent the good part of an hour hunting for stray confetti pieces and popping balloons. Junmi ducked away from a considerable amount of hug attempts, and threw balloons at people in retaliation. He wasn’t that bothered by it, in all honesty. He eventually gave up and accepted a single side hug from Kyler, who proceeded to ruffle his hair, earning a scowl from Junmi.
Junmi was used to receiving a couple presents for his birthday, so he was surprised when all nine members came up to him at different points in the day with little gifts. He thought the tiny dinosaur keychain from Aheon was adorable, and the leather notebook from Shion was heart-warming. Even during practice, Junmi couldn’t escape the birthday sentiments. The instructors played his favourite songs during warm-up, and he found that very sweet. He was subject to the other members taking floods of photos with him in the mirrors. Junmi borrowed a charger, and laughed to himself when he read the posts that members had made for his birthday. There were several messages in the SOLUNEX group chat spoiling the surprise from the morning, and Junmi knew then and there that the members had stolen his charger. He replied to his parent’s messages to him, promising them that he’d call them after practice. Junmi also had a quick back-and-forth with Taylor, who told him that he had bought him a present but would only give it to him if they met up.
After a delightful call with his parents, Junmi was treated to a delicious dinner at a nice restaurant that the members had spent time researching about. Junmi felt like a prince with how he was being treated, and found it a bit too much. He admittedly almost cried at several points throughout the dinner. It was just too nice. He wasn’t used to this much celebration about him.
When the members had returned to the dorm, they convinced Junmi to hang out in the kitchen. They were acting like they still had something planned out, even though the whole day had been spent having fun and celebrating. Junmi just let them do whatever they wanted to do. He wasn’t going to refuse their kindness.
Hajoon suddenly checked his phone, and a smile crawled onto his face. Junmi gave him a questioning look, but Hajoon just nodded at him. He got up and left the kitchen, walking in the direction of the door to the dorm. After a second, he spoke. “Junmi, come here!”
As Junmi made his way to the door, he could hear the other members following him.
He hesitantly approached the door, and slowly opened it.
Junmi was greeted by an out-of-breath and beaming Rui, who was holding up a plastic bag.
“Rui?”
“Happy birthday!”
“What..I…why are you here?”
Rui laughed. “Did you think I forgot?”
Junmi did feel a little weird about not receiving any birthday messages from Rui, but had figured that the other boy was busy with promotions. “Well, no. But I didn’t think you’d come all the way over here.”
Rui practically shoved the bag into Junmi’s hands. “If I missed seeing you on your birthday, I’d be a bad friend.”
“You would be.” Junmi teased. He peered into the bag, despite knowing exactly what it would be. The blue icing smiled up at him, the sparkles shining bright. Rui had bought a larger cake this time, obviously to account for the increase in people who were celebrating Junmi’s birthday. The smile that formed on Junmi’s face rivaled all the others of the day. “Rui, you didn’t have to…” When Junmi looked back up, Rui was smiling softly at him, rather than the grin he had arrived with.
Rui lowered his voice a bit. “Of course I had to.”
“I don’t know why I’m surprised that you still buy me a cake every year.”
“Three years and counting!”
“Yeah…” Junmi hadn’t realized that it had already been three years. “Three years and counting.”
“Well, I shouldn’t keep you for too much longer. You have a cake to eat! I also should get back so I can get some rest before FRESH DAY’s schedule tomorrow.” Rui stated with a frown. After a pause, a smirk formed on his face. Rui flicked Junmi across the face lightly with his finger.
Before Junmi could retaliate, Rui had begun speedwalking down the hallway. He sighed, watching his friend retreat from consequences.
Junmi triumphantly brought the cake into the kitchen, earning cheers from the other members. They enjoyed it together, laughing and talking about the fun day they had.
Junmi had forgotten what it was like to be lonely on his birthday, and that made him smile.

Read: Cold and Void

The SOLUNEX members bowed to the production crew of Take a Sip!. The filming of their episode had just wrapped up, and Junmi just wanted to disappear.
Junmi had reassured himself that it would be fine. Ever since the schedule was announced, he had been constantly reminding himself that Minhui wasn’t someone he needed to worry about. It was just a schedule, and he wasn’t alone. If she talked to him directly, the other members would be there as well. He could just put on a smile and pretend that the two of them were nothing other than labelmates.
Putting that into practice proved to be much more difficult.
As Minhui asked the group questions and guided them through the conversation, Junmi began to feel like if she spoke to him, he wouldn’t be able to say anything. The other members were becoming more comfortable and relaxed by the second, enjoying the filming and excitedly replying to Minhui. All Junmi could do was breathe and try not to let how he felt show. Minhui looked perfect, as always. She smiled a dazzling grin and said the right words. Junmi longed to fall for it, to pretend like she was the celebrity that everyone else saw her as. To pretend she wasn’t Minhui. But he couldn’t.
Junmi somehow got through the filming, answering only a few questions.
Minhui accompanied the members back to their makeup room. Junmi positioned himself as far back as he could in the group, watching as Minhui chatted with the other members. As they approached the hallway turning towards the door, Minhui spoke up and glanced at Junmi. “Could I borrow Junmi for a second?”
Hajoon looked at Junmi, who tried to shake his head. Hajoon didn’t see. He nodded at her. The members turned down the hallway, leaving Junmi alone with Minhui. He slowly turned to face her.
Minhui’s posture was reserved and proper, with as much friendliness as a concrete wall. Her gentle and practiced expression conveyed that this was just business to her. “Junmi.”
Junmi had no choice but to return the emotionless greeting. “Minhui.”
Minhui smiled, but any softness in it was lost on Junmi. “Congratulations on your debut.”
“Thank you.” Junmi held her eye contact, and crossed his arms. The conversation was just like most of their conversations from before he went on Star Maker X 101. Cold and void.
“Everyone back at SUN Entertainment is very proud of you. You represented our company well, and as the first trainee from the company to debut from a survival show, you have inspired a lot of trainees.” The words sounded practiced. They were factory-made, impersonal, and Junmi wanted to scoff.
In a moment of courage, Junmi let himself speak freely. “Is everything corporate to you?”
Minhui blinked. “What?”
“I get we’re professionals or whatever, but it sounds like you’re reading off of a teleprompter.”
“Junmi…” The pity in her voice stung him.
“You don’t know how many staff members from SUN Entertainment have said the exact same thing to me.”
“Well, then let me try again. I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there and challenging yourself. I know it was difficult for you and the other trainees, but you pulled through and the audience saw that.” Minhui gave him a pointed look that brushed away any genuine meaning in her words.
“Difficult. Yeah.” Junmi mumbled.
There was a stretch of silence between the two of them. Junmi kept his unamused, glaring expression steady, trying not to let it break. She needed to know that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to her, but he didn’t know how to leave the conversation.
Minhui spoke first, moving the topic. “When we were in the audience of Star Maker X 101, Rui wouldn’t stop talking about you.” At the mention of Rui’s name, Junmi inhaled sharply. “If your votes were just the number of times Rui mentioned you, you would have been first place.” She laughed a bit as she said that, as if it was funny to her. As if Junmi getting votes was funny to her. As if Rui caring was funny to her.
He didn’t want her to talk about Rui. She didn’t know Rui. “And how is this relevant?”
“It’s not. It’s just conversation.” Minhui lifted an eyebrow at Junmi. “I wasn’t aware that you two knew each other.” Her voice was layered with an aura of curiosity, but also a hint of confusion. An uncomfortable feeling swirled around in Junmi’s lungs as the words fell on his ears. Why did Minhui care about this?
To ignore his feelings and to let Minhui know that he didn’t enjoy this conversation, Junmi scoffed. “A shocker.”
“Junmi.”
“It’s not like you care who I know. It’s not part of your career, so why would you care?” His words stemmed from the depths of his feelings, but he didn’t want to say them. The swirling feeling in his lungs was slowly crawling up, suffocating him. He couldn’t pinpoint what was causing it, and he just wanted to pretend it wasn’t there. The words had found their way out by sheer desperation to channel the emotions into something else. That something else just happened to be his anger towards Minhui.
Minhui looked almost offended, but she was good at hiding her feelings. “That-”
“I have to go,” Junmi said abruptly, cutting off Minhui. A thin layer of confusing, burning tears lined the corners of his eyes. Minhui’s expression slowly changed. The corners of Minhui’s mouth that had been set in a strict line turned down. Her serious eyes softened. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but there was no sound. Instead, she nodded. It reminded him of how she nodded at him during the finale of Star Maker X 101. This time, he didn’t feel defiant. He didn’t feel like he climbed over a hurdle and was staring down the obstacle he defeated.
“Then go,” she whispered weakly. Her hand gestured towards the hallway around them. “If you want.” She let go of the conversation easier than Junmi expected. He shouldn’t have said what he said, but it was too late now. Junmi had already turned around, the sounds of his strides echoing as he walked down the hallway.
The way she nodded at him replayed in his mind. She just accepted what he said. Maybe she was the better person. She was professional, she didn’t pick fights. Maybe Junmi had just made things worse. The feeling in his lungs was spinning, and Junmi ignored it. He was angry, but that wasn’t anger. That was something else, but Junmi couldn’t put a name to it. He didn’t even know when the feeling started in the conversation.
Maybe Junmi wasn’t quite okay yet.

Read: Words Thrown

Junmi leaned against the wall. It was weird being back in the SUN Entertainment building after all these months. Nothing had changed, but Junmi had changed, and the once familiar building felt completely different. The lights still had their distinct hum that had filled Junmi’s ears every day for years. The hallways still had their distinctly fresh smell from the cleaning products used to clean the walls. The music from the training rooms could still be heard from even the first floor. It was nostalgic.
The reason Junmi was currently relaxing against the cold wall in a building that wasn’t the SOLUNEX dorm rooms was due to SUN Entertainment having the amazing idea of filming a video featuring their debuted artists having fun outside. Junmi was able to meet the FRESH DAY members properly, and they were just as strangely reserved as they had been when they first met. The exception to this was obvious, and the exception was also the only person who got Junmi through the day. The exception was now hopefully enjoying some sleep in his dorm. Junmi almost went for his phone to send a “good night! don’t tell the others but i really enjoyed today. thank you for putting up with my lack of enthusiasm earlier.”. He didn’t.
Junmi should probably be heading up to the extra guest dorms that SUN Entertainment owned, but it was nice to just stand here. To his left was a door to a meeting room. It was one of the many used to hold important meetings, and Junmi had been a part of one of those meetings. It was back when he first joined as a trainee, and they were going through all of the rules. It was a fond but bitter memory. Junmi felt that way about a lot of his early trainee days.
Minhui was a big reason for that. Minhui was also walking down the hallway towards him.
Junmi felt his eyes widen and his heart rate spike. He had tried to not talk to her today, despite them both being a part of the filming. It was easier to be around her with everyone else there, but there was nobody else in the hallway. Junmi, after making direct eye contact with Minhui, ducked into the meeting room. Hiding was no use, and Minhui followed him into the room. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her mouth was a straight line. Cold. She closed the door.
“We need to talk,” Minhui said sternly. Her eyes were unrelentingly sharp.
Junmi backed up. “We have nothing to talk about.” He tried to keep his voice serious but it shook slightly.
“Nothing to talk about? Coming from the guy who had a lot to say after the Take a Sip! recording. I didn’t forget about that.” Minhui paced around the large meeting table until she stood opposite from Junmi.
“I said what I had to say,” Junmi admitted, commanding his voice to not quiver. “Sorry if it hurt you to hear the truth, but I’m tired of talking to you when all I get is a cold response.” Junmi could feel the emotion swelling up and crawling up his throat.
Minhui’s eyes softened. “I…” She drummed her fingers on the back of the plush chair beside her. After a moment, any softness on her face was gone. “You don’t understand my perspective. As the senior artist of the company, it is my duty to be a mentor to the trainees, not their friend. You said before that I talk like everything is corporate to me, but if everything I say to anyone else in the company holds weight, then that’s my only option. I can’t afford to not prepare my words and be careful.”
Junmi scoffed, but it was pathetically emotional. “But you can still be genuine! And you choose not to, then.” He shut his eyes for a moment, before opening them with a renewed sharpness. “You said, back in 2020, that we were still friends. I guess you didn’t mean that.” Minhui’s eyes went wide. Junmi straightened his stance. A sentence slipped out that held the core of Junmi’s problems with Minhui. “I guess that’s why all of those videos you and I took as trainees never made it into your documentary.”
“I-” Minhui stepped back.
“What?”
“That’s what your problem with me is? Me not putting you in that documentary? Do you know how long I spent choosing each clip and making sure everything was perfect?” Minhui sighed. “We’re still friends. I meant that when I said it. You’re the one who’s been making us drift apart.”
“Me?” Junmi felt the air go numb. “How is this my fault? I’m in the wrong for feeling hurt over this? I’m in the wrong for feeling like I was never important to you? When you told me why you avoided me, I don’t think you ever apologized. You just explained, but you never said you were sorry. Even now, you don’t seem sorry about leaving me out. You explain and explain, but you don’t even consider how I feel.”
“And what if I’m not sorry?”
The silence that covered the room was suffocating, taking every last bit of air from Junmi’s lungs. The air around him shattered like glass, everything feeling too sharp, too in-focus.
“You’re not?”
“I…” Minhui’s eyes went wide. Her hands held themselves palms forward in a stance of defense from any outburst of emotion from Junmi. She shook her head lightly. “I didn’t mean that.”
Junmi knew Minhui didn’t mean it. They were both currently caught up in the moment and saying things they didn’t mean, even if those things shot arrows through hearts and erupted wounds of old injuries. Even though Junmi knew, he turned. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Minhui followed him with her wide, apologetic eyes and Junmi didn’t flinch. He had to remove himself from the room. If he didn’t, he didn’t know what he’d say.

Read: Words Caught

Junmi let out a quivering exhale as his back hit the icy wall. His eyes were shut tight, as if closing them could shut out everything racing through his mind. Thoughts blurred past in a colour storm, filling Junmi’s head with dizziness. His heart rate raced and the thumps of his heartbeat pounded in his ears. The world around him swayed and the only thing keeping Junmi upright was his hands pressing forcefully into the wall. His legs turned to jelly, and his lungs screamed at him. Poison crawled up his throat and stung his eyes. Tears burned his shut eyes, and the water fire carved lines down his face. A strangled sob escaped his mouth which was immediately covered by his hand. He could feel the wall behind him slipping away as his legs gave out. His arms flailed out to keep his knees from hitting the ground and pushed him back to a standing position.
The conversation played itself back in his mind. Minhui’s sharp tone and cutting words were pain enough, but Junmi was more in shock of his own words. As he had left Minhui standing in the room, everything had hit him at once. She had said some hurtful things, but he had seen how she hesitated, how her expression softened only to turn dark to reflect Junmi’s. No matter how much he had wanted to avoid confronting her, Junmi knew that he had been too harsh in how he acted. Minhui had been genuine, for once, and Junmi had ruined any chance at civil conversation. As much as he needed to tell her after all this time why he was hurt, he had done it in a way that only seemed to create a deeper wound. If he had used kinder words, if he hadn’t been a hypocrite and treated Minhui with the same coldness he called her out for, then maybe they could have made progress.
Junmi’s hand searched for his phone in his pocket. If he was seen like this by staff, they would worry. The SOLUNEX dorms was the safest place for him to be right now. He clicked his phone on and was greeted by the bright screen. A single message smiled at him. “just checking in to make sure you got to the guest dorms okay! ^-^”
As Junmi’s fingers fumbled to unlock his phone and call a taxi, the sounds of clicking heels entered his ears. He furiously wiped at his tear-covered face to hide the evidence of his emotions. It was no use, as the tears kept falling.
The person who the footsteps belonged to stepped into Junmi’s teary view. Her long brown hair, Junmi realized, had never really changed style-wise since they were trainees. It was weird how that never changed when so much else had.
“I’m so, so sorry,” Minhui croaked out. She was crying too. “I shouldn’t have said that I wasn’t.”
Junmi shrugged weakly. “We were both caught up in the moment.” He was too tired to fight. “I was being stuck-up too.”
“No, seriously, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I treated you. This whole balancing professionalism and friendship thing is something I’ve struggled with since debut, as I’m sure you figured out. I know that I’ve said things that have pushed so many trainees too far and hurt them. It’s something that I have to work on.”
Junmi blinked. “Oh.”
Minhui continued. “I didn’t realize how much I hurt you, Junmi. I was oblivious to how you must have felt even after I told you why I avoided everyone. You could have told me.”
“You made that difficult.” Junmi crossed his arms, but he was sure any malice was far from his eyes. “It’s hard to talk to you when I feel like there’s always a wall between us. I want to be friends with the Minhui I knew in 2018. The Minhui who decided to hang out with the quiet kid who was lonely. The Minhui who felt like a sister to me. The Minhui who was unafraid and genuine and smiled. Not the Minhui who quietly pushed me out.”
Minhui nodded slowly. After a moment of silence, she spoke. “I’m still that person. I…Junmi, I want to fix this. I want us to start over. I want you to feel like I can be someone who you can call your friend again. I think that’s what I need to try to do in order to start bettering myself.”
Minhui’s words were exactly what Junmi had wanted to hear for years. And yet…Junmi couldn’t bring himself to feel happy. “This isn’t something we can fix by just saying that we’re friends again. This is something that needs time to heal.” Junmi realized how seriously Minhui was paying attention to his words. “We…can start somewhere, though. Maybe not friends, but…friendly acquaintances.”
“I promise you,” Minhui said with determination. “I won’t hurt you like that again. Thank you for giving me another chance, seriously. I’ll let you have all the time you need, and I won’t push you too much about this.”
Junmi let a giggle escape him. “You really do talk like you think through every word. Is that going to happen to me now that I’m an idol?” Minhui’s expression softened, a smile forming on her face. “I do, don’t I? That’s a habit I need to kick.” She tilted her head. “I don’t think that’ll happen to you, Junmi. You’re not the type of person to be disingenuous.”
“Promise me you’ll call me out if I am?”
“Only if you let me know if I’m being uptight and overly corporate.”
As the two of them shared a laugh, Junmi was flooded with the memories from 2018. There were so many times where the two of them had laughed like this and Junmi had blocked them all out. He had covered them with the haze of his own anger. The two of them hadn’t acted like this together for so long.
The realization hit him. The tears found their way back to his eyes. Junmi sniffled as his laughter faded.
“Junmi?” Minhui stopped laughing.
“I need to apologize too,” Junmi admitted. “I’m sorry. This whole time, I’ve been painting you as some sort of villain in my mind. To me, you were this obstacle while also being the person who I wanted to impress the most. I hated you when I didn’t mean to.”
Minhui nodded. “Well, I don’t want to be your villain anymore.”
“That’s so cringey to say.”
“Shut up.”
“Are you sure you’re not reading off of a script?”
“Shut up, Junmi.”
“Thank you for not letting this just boil over again,” Junmi said quietly. “Thank you for trying to understand my side of the situation. I definitely didn’t want to leave it where it was. I thought I had completely messed things up.”
“Let’s work together to not mess it up this time,” Minhui giggled. “It’s getting really late. I should let you get to the guest dorms.” Junmi suddenly felt the strain on his tired eyes. “Yeah, it’s too late for this. I need sleep.”
“Good night.” Minhui waved, and walked down the hallway as if nothing had happened. Junmi was a bit irked at that, but reminded himself that he needed to give her a chance.
For the first time in a long time, Junmi thought about Minhui and didn’t feel like he was rotting inside.

Read: Meet

Junmi honestly felt that SUN Entertainment was trying to forcibly fix his and Minhui’s friendship. It felt like the company kept coming up with reasons to drag Junmi away from SOLUNEX for the day and put him in the same area as Minhui. Junmi was still trying to let go of all of the weird emotions that had boiled over so that he could give Minhui a chance, but now it felt like he had to rush that. He didn’t want Minhui feeling uncomfortable or awkward because he was acting cold or anything.
Today, SUN Entertainment had scheduled a company photoshoot to update the photos on their website. Junmi had been excited to be here at first because the notion of company photos meant that FRESH DAY would be here too. That wasn’t the case, and today was reserved for training staff, their prized soloist, and Junmi. He had to deal with standing around awkwardly. If Rui were here, he’d have someone to talk to. Junmi flinched as his shoulder was tapped. He turned around quickly, expecting a staff member to be there. Instead, he was greeted by a smiling Minhui. “Junmi!”
“Oh, hi, Minhui.” Junmi offered a polite smile, but the instinct of dread filling his lungs was peeking around a corner.
“These photoshoots are always so boring,” Minhui said with an eye roll. “I thought this year, with FRESH DAY and everything, that it would be more fun. At least you’re here.”
“Yeah, at least I’m here,” Junmi mumbled, turning his attention back to watching the staff members getting their photos taken.
The two of them stood in silence for a bit before Minhui spoke up. “So, Junmi, I wanted to ask if you were free this weekend.”
Junmi perked up at that. “Uh, I think so?”
“Great! There’s this party that I’m going to, and I want to know if you’d like to come with me.” Minhui grinned.
Junmi frowned. “A party? That’s…not really my thing.”
“I know. I just…these fun little events are something that I’ve wanted to show you. Newer idols don’t seem to know about them. I know it’s not going to make up for anything, but it’s a way for us to hang out!” Minhui sounded genuine.
Junmi, though, was not the type of person to go to a random party. “No. I appreciate that you want to include me in stuff, but this is out of my comfort zone. If you want to hang out, I’d much rather do something…less party-like.”
“That’s fair,” Minhui said and went to check her phone. “I’m not really free the rest of this week if you want to hang out at all…unless you’re okay with joining me in meeting up with one of my friends? She’s the one who hosts a lot of these parties. Hwang Minji.”
“Sure,” Junmi shrugged. He felt bad turning Minhui’s offer down, so he felt obligated to be polite at least. “You say her name like I should know her.”
“You don’t know Hwang Minji?” Minhui made a noise of shock. “She’s, like, the princess of Gen Z fashion.”
“Sorry, don’t know her.”
“Well, you will.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the two of them sat at the table, Junmi was met with the stern and icy glare of Hwang Minji. Everything about Minji screamed clean and perfect. Her hair was pulled back tight against her head into a high ponytail with no loose hairs. Her dagger-like eyes were emphasized by sharp black eyeliner at perfect angles. The flowy pink blazer that Minji wore over her white tank top and black skirt was almost without wrinkles. She had one leg crossed over the other and was leaning back a bit, her arms crossed as well. Her eyes tracked Junmi as he sat down and it sent a wave of freezing fear through him.
As Minji’s eyes moved to Minhui, her expression completely changed. She smiled and greeted her friend with a cheerful handshake. “Minhui! It’s so nice to see you!” Minji shifted her gaze to Junmi and the daggers returned. “You must be Junmi? Nice to meet you.” He wasn’t offered a hand.
“Minji, he’s harmless. Look at him!” Minhui gestured to Junmi, who gave a polite but awkward smile. Minji analyzed him with her calculating glare for a few moments before shrugging. The daggers softened a bit, but Junmi still felt like he wasn’t welcome. Minhui leaned over and whispered to Junmi. “Sorry, she doesn’t warm up very easily. Don’t worry.”
Junmi looked around at the cafe. It was full of natural light, pastels, and plants, but there was almost nobody in it. A couple of men in business suits sat a couple tables away, and a woman sipped her coffee at a table while typing on her laptop. Junmi had gone to many cafes and restaurants unnoticed since he debuted, but it had been so long since he could sit out in the open in some place like this. Minhui, Junmi expected, was the type of idol to keep to herself in public and hide away from prying eyes, but here, she seemed like she didn’t care.
Minji must have noticed Junmi looking around. “You like the cafe? It’s owned by Lee Gyuwoo, the actor.” Her voice was much more friendly now.
“Yeah,” Junmi nodded, still looking around. “In most of the cafes I go to, I have to wear a mask or find the most hidden table or something.”
Minji giggled. “This cafe is reserved for celebrities only at this time of day. I’m surprised you didn’t already know about this place. Idols come here all the time.”
Junmi glanced back at the other people in the cafe. Looking at them again, they all were dressed in expensive clothes.
“I’ve noticed that newer idols don’t know about this place,” Minhui pouted. “It’s probably because of the lockdowns, but I didn’t think there would be that much of a divide between those of us who know and the idols who don’t.”
Minji pouted as well, but after a moment, she perked up. “Minhui, you’re going to the party this week, right?”
“Of course,” Minhui grinned. “It gives me an excuse to dress up.”
Minji offered a smile to Junmi. “What about you, Junmi?”
“I…uh…” Junmi blinked. “Sorry.”
“Junmi’s not really the party type,” Minhui informed Minji. “I asked him earlier to join me but he said no then too.”
Minji frowned in a way that felt practiced. To anyone else, it might have looked cute, but Junmi ignored it. “That’s too bad. It’s going to be really fun. You should really go to one sometime. The invitation is always open.”
“I’m…not sure it would be fun for me.”
“Junmi, genuinely, it’s not like those parties you see on tv shows or movies. It’s just a get together! It’s just simple fun!” Minji explained. “And if you go and feel like you don’t know anybody, Minhui and I are there! Trust me, it’s great to get out and meet new people.”
“I’ll think about it,” Junmi mumbled. With that out of the way, conversation shifted towards Minhui and what she had been up to. Junmi opted to zone out most of the time, feeling a bit left out but being okay with it. He used this time to think about Minji’s offer. He never went to parties in high school, mostly because he was never invited. He wouldn’t have gone to them anyways. Even if Minhui were there, Junmi knew he would still feel isolated and awkward. She knew so many people, but she was good at talking. Junmi shied away from most conversation. Even now, he was shying away from talking with Minji.
When Minhui and him went to leave, Minji stopped Junmi for a moment. “Hey, sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable earlier. I don’t mean to glare at people, but it just happens, you know?”
Junmi had forgotten that Minji had glared at him at all. “Oh, no worries. I understand completely.”
“Good. And this isn’t me just apologizing to get you to go to my party or anything. It was genuinely nice to meet you. Minhui didn’t really mention you before.” Ouch. “I’m glad she brought you along.”
“Thanks?” Junmi felt a bit awkward being on the receiving end of Minji’s compliments when he didn’t really say much the whole time.
“Now, go run along. Minhui probably needs to get going and I don’t want to stop her.”
As Junmi walked away, he caught sight of Minhui staring back at him and Minji. She was smiling.

Read: The Five Things

Junmi sighed and drummed his fingers on the notebook in front of him. His pencil sat bored on the silver of the cafe table.
Rui tapped the notebook to get Junmi’s attention. “What’s up?”
Junmi blinked at Rui. “Hm?”
Rui let out a soft laugh. “You said you needed to ask me about something. It’s been an hour and you haven’t gotten to that yet. You brought a notebook with you and everything.”
Junmi exhaled and frowned. “The company wants me to try improving on writing my romance lyrics, and I have no idea how to do that.”
“And you thought I would be of help?”
“Yes?” Junmi had assumed Rui had had some experience in romance in his life. He was popular enough.
Rui laughed, and it seemed a bit nervous. “Well, I might not be of the most help, but I can try. What do you need specifically?”
“I wanted to write something about how it feels to realize you like someone. The rest of the lyrics they gave me to work off of were in that subject, so I figured I should do that.”
Rui quirked an eyebrow at Junmi. “Have you…never liked someone before?”
Junmi sighed, his hands fidgeting. “I have…it’s just, I don’t know. It’s a weird subject and I don’t like thinking about it, so I can’t remember how it’s supposed to be like.”
Rui hummed and furrowed his brows in thought. Junmi watched hesitantly, waiting for Rui to give him at least something. Maybe it was a bit rude of him to just ask Rui this out of the blue, but with the almost blank paper staring up at him, Junmi didn’t really have any other choice.
After what felt like an eternity of silence, Rui spoke up. He sounded weirdly hesitant and it threw Junmi off a bit. “Okay, thinking back on, like, my own experience.” Rui shook his head. “Or not exactly. Just…here’s what I think are, like, five things that are signs that you like someone.”
“You sound like a magazine article,” Junmi joked.
Rui gave Junmi a playful glare in response. “Do you want me to help you or not?”
Junmi put his hands up in surrender. “Go ahead.”
“Okay, first thing,” Rui said with a serious look. “You keep thinking about them in moments that are not related to them. Like, at all. You’re just going about your day and then you just suddenly start thinking about them.”
Junmi rolled his eyes. “That happens to me with random people. I don’t think it’s exclusive to liking someone.”
Rui shushed Junmi by holding up a finger. “Yes, but this is different. It’s almost like a constant thought of them that is always there, but makes itself known at random times.”
Junmi scribbled down the gist of Rui’s point. “Okay, thinking about them randomly. Got it.”
“Second thing,” Rui continued. “You get excited to see them and talk to them.”
“That’s also not an exclusive thing to liking someone.”
“Would you stop that?” Rui glared at Junmi with desperation. “I get excited to see my friends and talk to them, but if I like someone, it’s overwhelming. It’s like the excitement takes over me and stresses me out.”
“Excitement to be around them,” Junmi mumbled as he wrote it down.
“Third, you notice small details about them.”
Junmi gave Rui a look. “Okay, I’m not trying to be rude here, but these all just sound like friendship-related things. Thinking about them, being excited to see them, noticing things about them…these don’t mean you like them.” Junmi laughed, but Rui was still glaring at him.
“Yeah, all those things can be felt with friends, but liking someone romantically means that the emotions attached to all that is deeper. Don’t be dense, Junmi.” Rui didn’t say it with any sense of joking in his voice. Junmi gave him a confused look, and Rui’s expression retreated into something apologetic. “Sorry.”
Junmi squinted at Rui for a couple more seconds before deciding to ignore what just happened. “Keep listing off things.”
“As I said, noticing small details about them.” Rui stated. “You notice things that you didn’t really realize before and they just stand out to you a lot more.”
Junmi wrote it down. “Details.”
When Junmi looked back up from the paper, Rui was already making eye contact with him. For a moment, Junmi swore Rui looked sad, but the older boy’s expression changed in a blink of an eye. “Okay, next one, you want to show the best side of yourself whenever you’re around them.”
“See, that one actually sounds correct.”
“Hey, I know what I’m talking about!” Rui laughed. “But yeah, you want to impress them. Which is really weird, because you should want them to like you for who you naturally are, not who you show yourself to be.”
“Don’t get philosophical,” Junmi mumbled as he scribbled down his notes. “Okay, impressing them.”
“This last one I thought of is really cringey.” Rui shook his head. “No, nevermind, I’m not going to say it.”
“No, please do. I don’t care if it’s cringey, I need more notes.”
Rui rolled his eyes playfully. “You’re just going to poke fun at me, though. You’ve been doing it this whole time.”
Even though Rui’s tone was light, something in his eyes made it seem like Junmi’s teasing was getting to him. Junmi wondered if this topic in general was a bad idea to bring up to Rui. He had seemed kind of off since the conversation started. “I won’t say anything about it, I promise.” Junmi tried to match the playful tone that Rui put out while conveying his genuinity.
Rui stared at Junmi for a moment before sighing and giving in. “Fine. The thing that really makes me sure that I like someone is a moment where I look at them and it feels like everything is sparkling. Like, it feels almost like a movie, or as if it isn’t real. You can feel everything fall into place. It’s the moment where you know you like them.”
“That…isn’t cringey. That’s kind of cute honestly.” Junmi said, jotting it down. “Maybe someday I’ll experience a sparkly moment.” When Junmi glanced back up, Rui was staring at something in the distance again. He was biting his lip and his hands were restless. As soon as he noticed Junmi staring at him, Rui blinked and went back to how he was before.
After a moment of awkward eye contact, with Junmi squinting at Rui to try and figure out why he looked uncomfortable and Rui staring at Junmi with a look of confusion, Junmi spoke up. “Are you okay?”
Rui glanced away. “Can we change the topic? Sorry.”
“Okay,” Junmi shrugged. As Rui started talking about something he had read online, Junmi stared down at the notes. He looked back up at Rui, who was acting as if he was fine. Something about it irked Junmi, but he wasn’t going to press Rui about it now.
------------
The SOLUNEX members were very chatty as they walked through the tables lining the streets. Selfie-sticks holding cameras were positioned in a way that captured all ten members. The smell of street food wafted through the air delicately, prompting Sunwoo to yell out that anyone who wanted to get food should follow him. Apparently most of the members were excited to buy food, leaving Shion, Kyler, one of the managers, and Junmi. Kyler joked about how the fans were just going to skip over their parts of the vlog since there was only three members.
The street festival vlog had been a spontaneous idea by the younger members. There wasn’t very many people at the festival, and the managers stuck to the members like glue, so they were essentially free to go wherever. Junmi threw up a peace sign as Kyler panned the camera over to him. “I’d hope they wouldn’t,” Junmi said in response to Kyler’s joke. “We’re the best roommates.”
“Exactly!” Kyler spun in a half-circle to get Shion in frame. Out of the camera’s view, Junmi approached one of the vendors. The table was covered in small trinkets. He leaned closer to the table to examine the various pieces of art. A particular trinket caught his eye. It was completely made out of glass and was an abstract shape, but the sun made it cast interesting shadows onto the table. The way the light reflected off of it and smiled at Junmi reminded him of Rui for some reason. It was literally just sunlight, but the connection made Junmi laugh softly to himself. For a moment, he wondered if he should buy it to give to Rui. The older boy might find it pretty, but it wasn’t a useful object and Junmi’s only reasoning for giving it to Rui was that the sunlight reminded Junmi of Rui. It would be embarrassing to give it to him. Junmi walked back over to Shion and Kyler, but part of him was screaming at him to buy the glass art. Junmi ignored it.
As the members eventually made their way back after a couple hours of looking around, they walked by the table with the trinkets again. Junmi glanced over at it and saw the glass trinket again, still reflecting any light that hit it. He flinched when someone bumped his shoulder. Junmi glanced over and was met with a questioning look from Shion. “If you want to buy something, don’t just stare at it.”
“I-” Junmi glanced back at the trinket. “No, it’s nothing. I don’t need to get it.”
“You sound like you want to buy it.” Shion looked in the direction of the table, squinting. “Is it one of those little sculpture things on that table? Just go buy it. I’ll wait.”
For some reason, Junmi was starting to feel uncomfortable. “No, I’m not going to buy it.” He changed his walking pace to avoid walking beside Shion so that he wouldn’t continue the conversation. Junmi thought about what he would have done if he had come across the trinket and Rui was beside him. Would he have bought it? Would he have shown it to Rui? Junmi felt strangely overwhelmed.
------------
Junmi wasn’t the type of person to get overly excited about too many things. If anything, excitement made him feel sick, so he tried to not to get too hyped up for anything. An exception to this, of course, was K-pop groups that he liked.
Out of all of the second generation groups, Junmi didn’t really have a favourite, but DNM was definitely one of the best. Their songs had emotionally impactful lyrics and unique beats, and they spoke to Junmi. It was a shame that they disbanded before he started listening to them, but he was still enthusiastic about the group. Daeho was someone who Junmi looked up to a lot in terms of rapping.
When it came to DNM, Junmi knew one other person who shared his level of excitement over them. Rui had been a DNM fan longer than Junmi, and Junmi was pretty sure he had been a fan of the group even before they disbanded. The older boy had asked Junmi about them once when they were trainees, and Junmi remembers how in awe they were to have found another DNM fan. It’s not like being a Piomi was a rarity, but if you’re a fan of a disbanded group, finding other fans feels special.
Survival show news was something that Junmi didn’t really pay attention to unless a SUN Entertainment trainee was involved, but a particular show caught Junmi’s attention. It was still yet-to-air, but the producer of the show stood out to Junmi. It was Won Myunho, who was one of the DNM members. Upon hearing the news, Junmi immediately wanted to share it with Rui, but then remembered that they were supposed to meet up later that day anyways. It was weird feeling so excited over something so small, but if he could share it with Rui, then maybe he wouldn’t feel like he was overreacting.
“You seem more energetic than normal,” Hajoon commented, raising an eyebrow at Junmi. Junmi checked the time on his phone again. “Why are you checking the time so much? It’s not going to change just because you’re checking it.” Hajoon laughed softly.
“Sorry, I just got ready too early and I don’t want to just wait there by myself,” Junmi admitted. He checked the time again out of habit. The restlessness was because he decided to tell Rui about the fun Myunho news when they met up rather than just texting him. Junmi wanted to actually get real-time feedback on if he should be this excited over it or not.
“You and Rui meet up a lot, don’t you?” Hajoon shook his head with a breathy laugh.
“Yeah, and?”
“Nothing. It’s just nice to see you hanging out with people other than SOLUNEX.”
Junmi threw a pathetic glare at Hajoon, who just smiled and walked off.
Even though he waited, Junmi was still really early and was stuck sitting awkwardly by himself waiting for Rui. He drummed his fingers on his phone before realizing that it was a habit that was unusual for him. Junmi shook his head as if it could get rid of how weird he was acting today.
When Rui entered the cafe, Junmi immediately jumped up and waved him over, to which he got a smile back. He could feel his heart rate change as he stopped himself from mentioning Myunho right away.
Rui was enthusiastic about it when Junmi told him, but after telling him, Junmi felt like he had been more excited about telling Rui than the news.
------------
This time around, Rui had invited Junmi over to the FRESH DAY dorms. Kyulho and Ryuso both had schedules, and Gyuhan and Miho were locked in some sort of racing game tournament, so nobody minded that Junmi was there. The group’s dorms were smaller than SOLUNEX’s, but it felt like there was more space. As Junmi wandered through the dorm, following Rui, Miho greeted them. “Oh. Hey, Ru! And…Junmi! Hello. Thought it was someone else.” Miho laughed to himself cryptically.
Junmi looked at Rui to ask what Miho meant, but Rui looked a bit stormy. “Let’s go,” he mumbled, and motioned for Junmi to follow him. “What was that about?” Junmi asked as soon as Rui closed the dormroom door behind him.
Rui walked over to his bed and fell on it dramatically. “Ignore Miho. He likes to stir up things that don’t need to be stirred up.” Rui pushed himself up and shook his head, tousling his hair around. The dark brown of his natural hair was growing back in at his roots, and it stood out in the lighting of the room. It looked nice like that. Honestly, it had taken Junmi a while to get used to seeing Rui with bleached hair. Nothing beat the initial shock of seeing it for the first time, back when he returned to the SUN Entertainment building after Star Maker X 101, but for a while, Junmi had to take a couple seconds to process it every time he looked at Rui. It had been several months now, and the surprise had finally subsided. Rui suited the current blonde his hair was dyed to. It was less platinum than before and more of a soft blonde. The pale golden complimented Rui’s eyes especially.
The same eyes that were staring directly back at Junmi.
Rui let out an awkward laugh. “What? Is there something on my face? Or are you just zoning out?”
“I-uh…” Junmi looked away. “Just zoning out.”
Rui jumped back up to his feet. “Okay, the reason we’re here.” He scurried over to the desk by the end of his bed and scooped up a collection of CDs. “I wanted to show you these!”
Rui handed a CD over to Junmi. The cover depicted a sidewalk covered in broken glass. “What artist is this?”
Rui grinned. “It’s an alternative pop artist! They don’t put their music on streaming services or YouTube or anything. I managed to get these CDs from a gig of theirs and I have no idea if you’ll like their music or not.”
Junmi handed the CD back to Rui. “Interesting? I didn’t think you had a CD player.”
Rui scoffed playfully before gesturing to the CD player on his desk. Instead of saying anything, Rui set up the CD in the CD player and pressed play. An upbeat guitar riff over a dark pop resonated gently throughout the room. Rui wandered back over to his bed, sat down, and pulled Junmi to sit down beside him. Rui rambled on about the artist and the specific song for a minute or so, enthusiastically telling Junmi everything he knew about them. Rui’s eyes always had a smile in them whenever he talked about something he liked.
Rui had stopped talking and had closed his eyes, softly smiling and swaying to the music. For the first time in a while, Junmi noticed Rui’s scar. The jagged line crossed over Rui’s face diagonally. The red of the scar had faded to a gentle pink within the months since Junmi had first seen it. It was healing well, at least. The scar was a bit raised, and Rui had mentioned to Junmi a couple times that raised scars can shrink but never completely go away. Junmi had no idea what Rui’s feelings towards the scar were, since Rui never brought the topic up and Junmi didn’t want to ask. He knew Rui often covered it up with makeup, but it was always visible. Junmi didn’t really notice it most of the time. Even though Rui’s hair colour change had been difficult for Junmi to get used to, the scar hadn’t been. Junmi smiled sadly to himself. Hair colour can be changed but the scar would never go away, so maybe it was good that the scar didn’t bother Junmi at all.
Rui opened his eyes and glanced at Junmi. Junmi found himself looking away. “Do you like the songs so far?”
Right. The songs. “Yeah. Alternative pop is a very vague term in itself, but this is nice. I’ll have to listen to more before forming an opinion though.”
That made Rui beam. “Good. That means I don’t have to force you to listen to more.”
------------
It was another SUN Entertainment event. Junmi was getting tired of them. The company seemed to think that Junmi’s freetime should be used for them. He had thought about lying about his SOLUNEX schedules today to get out of it, but he didn’t. This time, he was the only SUN Entertainment artist at the recording. SUN Entertainment wanted to film performance videos for each of their artists, and requested for Junmi to write a rap and perform it for his. Junmi had argued that SOLUNEX should be the artist in the video if anything, since Junmi was part of the group and he was tired of being separated from them for SUN Entertainment things. The company ignored that, saying that because SOLUNEX isn’t their artist, it wouldn’t be correct to have the members besides Junmi in the video.
Junmi paced the set, tapping his finger on the microphone in his hand. None of the other SUN Entertainment artists were here today, which made sense, as they had probably already filmed their videos. Junmi recited his lyrics in his head over and over. This specific set of lyrics were ones that he had written last year, and they weren’t too personal. Junmi felt uncomfortable putting his emotional lyrics into something small like this.
The producer called out that they wanted to do a rehearsal take, and Junmi stopped pacing to go stand in front of the camera. The cameras began rolling, the beat creeped in, and Junmi tried his best. The harsh lights of the spotlights obscured most of Junmi’s view outside of knowing where the cameras were, but there was a patch of light on the producer’s face. They looked unimpressed. Junmi faltered a bit on a couple of the words, and the producer looked even more disappointed. It was humiliating. As the song ended, Junmi resisted the urge to leave the set. When the spotlights turned off, Junmi stared directly at the producer.
“Okay…let’s review that and do the real take,” the producer said with the sense that they just wanted to forget the rehearsal take happened. Junmi pushed down all of the negative emotions boiling within him. He needed to stay professional.
After reviewing the take, Junmi felt even worse. As the staff went back to making changes to the setup, Junmi stood by himself. He went over the lyrics again. He needed to be more energetic and he needed to not mess up.
“Junmi,” a familiar, joyful voice whispered from behind him. Junmi whipped around to see Rui standing there with a smile.
“Rui? What…are you doing here?” Junmi blinked.
“I heard you were recording and I wanted to visit! I have no schedules today.” Rui peered over at the set. Although Junmi was glad to see Rui, the negative feelings were still swirling around inside.
The producer called Junmi back over to set for the actual take. Junmi exhaled and took a step towards the set but Rui caught his arm. “You’ll do great,” Rui assured.
Junmi just offered a weak smile in thanks, and Rui motioned for Junmi to go to the set.
Junmi stood in front of the camera. He could still see the producer’s face, but the spotlights were turned down, and he could see Rui too. Rui grinned as they made eye contact and Junmi suddenly felt like he definitely needed to not mess up.
The music started, the beat began, and Junmi let himself be surrounded by his own rapping. It was a hesitant start, but at the same spot where he looked at the producer in the rehearsal take, he glanced at Rui. Rui threw a thumbs up in Junmi’s direction and Junmi felt himself begin to smile. The lyrics flowed out of him easily and the energy and style in his voice rose. Everything faded around him, and it was just Junmi and the music. Of course, the thought that Rui was silently encouraging him was there too.
------------
The sound of footsteps on the path were the only sound for a second. The blue sky overhead was calm and the sunlight was warm.
Rui sighed. “How do you have more stamina than me? When you said you didn’t hike, I thought I could hold my own hiking skills over your head.”
“It’s the skills of the SOLUNEX trainers, honestly. They train us as if they expect to be performing for hours on end without breaks.” Junmi pointed at something in front of them. “There’s a lookout. We can stop there if you’re tired.”
Rui’s eyes lit up before he threw Junmi a weak glare. “Hey, I’m not weak. I can keep hiking for a while. But the lookout sounds nice, so let’s stop there.”
Junmi nudged Rui’s arm with a giggle. “Not tired, sure.”
There was a weird moment where Rui just kind of stared at Junmi with a slight look of surprise on his face, which disappeared and was replaced by a grin when he nudged Junmi back. Junmi ignored it.
The two of them continued to walk in silence, enjoying nature around them. It was quiet, but it was a comfortable quiet. Junmi was grateful for the lack of SOLUNEX schedules as of recently. Spending time with Rui and actually going out to do things was something that Junmi didn’t think he’d be able to do once he debuted. Rui was always more than happy to hang out with Junmi when they were both free, and Junmi was appreciative of it. He didn’t tell Rui that, but he was sure Rui knew.
As the lookout came into view, Rui started walking faster. Junmi let Rui take off ahead of him, content just watching his friend waste his breath getting to the lookout. Junmi checked his watch to see how long it had taken them to hike to this point. Rui’s laughter filled his ears. The older boy sounded as if he was overjoyed.
Junmi looked up and stopped walking. Rui was beaming brightly ahead of him, jogging over to the edge of the trees that opened to show a beautiful landscape that was the barriered lookout. Rui spread his arms out and twirled around, enjoying the view and life itself. The sunlight hit the blonde of his hair softly and the wind carried the happiness of his laugh throughout the trees. The sound was melodic and the sight was picturesque. Junmi felt a warmth in his chest. Rui stopped spinning, still giggling, and threw a glance over his shoulder at Junmi. Junmi’s eyes locked with Rui’s, and the sunlight felt soft.
Everything felt like it was sparkling.
“Oh f-”

Read: Overthinking

Junmi couldn’t think about anything but Rui.
Ever since earlier that day, when Junmi and Rui had gone hiking and Junmi had experienced something a bit too close to what Rui had described weeks ago as a “sparkling moment”, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. His mind kept replaying the image of Rui throwing a glance over his shoulder, his eyes meeting Junmi’s. The gold of his hair had been softly illuminated by the morning sun. His smile was one of genuinity and it was so bright.
Junmihad brushed off the moment after it had hit him. He needed to get through the hike, and not thinking about what he had just felt was the best course of action. Junmi had decided to look at Rui as little as possible without Rui calling him out for acting weird. He felt like if he looked at Rui too much, it would happen again. Junmi had still felt the warmth in his chest that the moment had caused. It didn’t go away.
Now, sitting alone in the dorm room, away from Rui, Junmi’s mind was racing.
Junmi wasn’t quite sure if the whole “sparkling moment” really happened. Maybe it was just the lighting or something that tricked him into thinking it was something that it wasn’t. If Rui hadn’t told him about it, would Junmi have still felt the same thing? Was he just reacting like that because he had been wondering what a “sparkling moment” felt like? That had to be it.
The door to the room creaked open, Kyler’s face peaking in. After a moment, he squinted at Junmi, who probably looked like a deer in the headlights. He felt insane, and probably looked the part too.
“I was just going to grab something,” Kyler stated. “Is something up? You look pale.”
“It’s nothing,” Junmi responded quickly, but his voice was weaker than he thought it would be.
Kyler closed the door carefully and gave Junmi a pointed look. “Are you sure?”
Junmi blinked, trying to keep his face from giving anything away. “I’m just…overthinking something. It’s not anything for you to worry about.” He offered a small smile that he knew didn’t reach his eyes.
Kyler’s inquisitive eyes burned holes into Junmi’s face. Junmi bit his lip a bit too hard and winced, which earned an eyebrow raise from Kyler. “Junmi. Seriously, what’s up?”
“It’s really nothing that you need to worry about,” Junmi tried again, his voice cracking and betraying him.
“But it’s obviously bothering you,” Kyler pointed out. “Junmi, you know you can talk to me about anything. So, what’s up?”
Junmi weighed his options. He didn’t want to talk about anything that he was feeling because he was so unsure of everything. Kyler was someone Junmi knew he could trust, but the thought of saying anything about Rui made Junmi’s throat go dry. Kyler wouldn’t judge him, and Junmi knew that, but it still made him feel like he was going to faint. He inhaled sharply before exhaling, taking his time. Kyler wasn’t going to let him avoid talking about it, so he had to get something out. “I…think I might like someone.” Junmi’s voice was still weak and pathetic.
Kyler’s eyebrows shot up, the revelation catching his interest. “Oh? Like…as in you have feelings for someone?”
Junmi put his hands up in defense. “It’s very much a maybe,” he said seriously.
“Am I allowed to ask who?” Although Kyler sounded very curious in Junmi’s supposed love life, he had a look of genuine caring about the subject in his eyes. That made Junmi feel a bit better. Kyler wasn’t just going to pry for the information, even if he did want to know.
“I…uh…shit.” Junmi couldn’t find the courage to say Rui’s name. He felt cornered suddenly, looking away. “If I tell you, can you promise me you won’t tell anyone?”
Kyler’s eyes softened. “It’s Rui, isn’t it?”
Junmi’s eyes snapped back up to look at Kyler in shock. “What?”
“I think I’d be able to tell if it was another SOLUNEX member. Please tell me it’s not another SOLUNEX member,” Kyler said with a laugh. Junmi cringed and shook his head at the suggestion of him liking a SOLUNEX member. “Rui is the only person you hang out with regularly. It’s obvious that it would be him.”
Junmi let out a defeated sigh. At least he didn’t have to admit it himself. “You’re making me sound like a loser. Yeah, it’s him.”
Kyler let out a soft laugh. “Haha. I promise I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry.” Kyler took a seat on the bed beside Junmi. Junmi knew that this meant he wasn’t going to be escaping this conversation any time soon.
There was a moment of silence before Junmi spoke. “Is it really that obvious?” His voice was quiet. If it was as obvious as Kyler’s words had made it seen, then Junmi would have a lot more to think about.
Kyler shrugged. “Well, probably not to most people. It’s only obvious because you said you liked someone.”
“I said might like,” Junmi defended. His tone was harsher than he expected. Another silence followed.
“So, you’re overthinking it?” Kyler prompted.
“Yeah.”
“Tell me more.”
Junmi sighed dramatically. “It’s just…it’s so confusing. Everything is so fucking confusing. I haven’t liked anyone in years. The last person I liked was this girl in middle school, but that was so long ago.”
“Oh wow.”
“Plus, Rui’s…the first guy I’ve felt like this around.” Junmi glanced at Kyler for some kind of indication of validation. Kyler offered a small, kind smile. Suddenly, Junmi felt a rush of unwanted emotions that were creeping up towards his eyes. “I think. I’m pretty sure he’s the first. I…I don’t fucking know.” The emotions had found their way up and were threatening to spill from his eyes. “And somehow that’s not the part that’s making me feel like shit the most.” Junmi barely got the words out, tears blurring his eyes. He wiped at the tears, but they kept falling.
“Hey, Junmi, it’s okay,” Kyler said, placing a comforting hand on Junmi’s shoulder. Junmi was too absorbed in his own emotions to shrug his hand off.
“The thing that’s making me feel like I’m going insane is why only now am I feeling like this?” Junmi said, his voice soaked with emotion. “Like, I don’t like him like that. I’ve never liked him like that. We’ve been friends for four years. We’ve been best friends for four years. If I was going to like him, I would have liked him sooner, right? I wouldn’t have just started liking him, right? Shit. Fuck.” Junmi felt insane.
“Woah, okay, I’ve never heard you swear this much,” Kyler said worriedly. “Junmi, it’s very possible that you did already like him and you’re only realizing it now.”
“But that’s…I didn’t like him. I never did. Not like that. There’s no way this actually means I like him, right? Like, he’s my best friend. That’s weird, right?”
“It’s not weird, Junmi,” Kyler reassured.
Junmi let out a silent sob, letting himself wallow in the moment. Why did everything have to be so confusing? It was too much for him. “I just feel so fucking confused. I can’t stop thinking about him, and thinking about any other times I’ve felt like this around him, but my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest and I feel like I’m going to throw up. What if I don’t stop feeling like this? I need to stop feeling like this.” Breathing was difficult.
“Hey, hey, Junmi,” Kyler said softly, but there was concern in his voice. His hand was still on Junmi’s shoulder. He spoke calmly, carefully, choosing his words. “Let’s…take this step by step. First, we need to go do something else that isn’t sitting around letting your thoughts get the better of you. You need a change of scenery and something to take your mind off of this. And then, maybe not today but later, you can look at this from a calmer perspective. We can start by figuring out the stuff that’s easier to think about, and eventually get to the stuff that’s making you feel like this.”
Junmi shook his head. “Kyler, you don’t need to help me. I don’t want to be another burden for you. The group relies on you enough.”
“Junmi, you might not realize it, but you don’t really rely on any of us,” Kyler waited for Junmi to make eye contact with him, making sure Junmi understood. “Thank you for worrying about me, really, that’s…it’s nice to know that someone’s looking out for me there. You need someone to look out for you too. I’m willing to help you through this because it’s going to eat me up inside if I just let you wallow in maybe boy-liking misery.” Kyler laughed softly.
Junmi found himself, despite it all, also laughing. “Thank you, Kyler. Yeah, let’s go somewhere else. I don’t really think I’m going to stop thinking about this.” Junmi still felt like shit, and the tear stains were very obvious on his face, but he didn’t want Kyler to worry. Junmi didn’t want to burden Kyler at all. He had seen how the other younger members confided in Kyler all the time. He couldn’t blame them, as Kyler was that type of older brother figure that made everyone feel comfortable. In the quiet moments, Kyler always looked a little sad, and Junmi wondered if it was ever because of people expecting him to always be there for the other members. He didn’t want to be the cause of that. If it stopped Kyler from feeling burdened, Junmi would try to figure out his feelings.
Kyler stood up and offered a hand to Junmi, and pulled him to his feet. Junmi winced, not realizing that the effects of hiking earlier were already hitting. Kyler laughed at him, and Junmi didn’t stop himself from laughing too.
Junmi didn’t realize that he didn’t feel as sick anymore.

Read: Run

The practice room felt crowded as Junmi followed the other SOLUNEX members through the door. Besides all of the idols, there were the groups’ managers, cameras, and various other staff standing around the studio. Junmi mumbled an apology as he bumped into Juwon in front of him and dodged Jungwon almost doing the same to him. As the gaggle of members parted to spread out across the wooden floor, Junmi was greeted by a sight that was kind of comedic. A huddle of five people stood on the other side of the practice room. They hadn’t noticed the SOLUNEX members’ entrance as the five of them were locked in some sort of heated conversation. Hands were flailing with expressive gestures and the hushed arguing provided a layer of white noise under everything else. Kyulho looked pissed, Miho held a hand out as if he was silently holding Ryuso back, and Gyuhan had a stern look on his face that Junmi could tell was masking desperation.
The FRESH DAY members, as Rui had told Junmi, were like a pack of wolves that were protective over their territory. He wondered if Rui’s joke held a bit of truth as the five members suddenly glanced his way. Gyuhan, Kyulho, and Miho stared at the SOLUNEX members intimidatingly. Ryuso was full on glaring. Rui, as if he didn’t get the message his group was trying to send, grinned as the SOLUNEX members tried their best to greet the other group. After all, he was the only one of the five who hadn’t been arguing five seconds ago. Rui offered a gracious wave, and Junmi had to hold back a laugh as Miho stopped Ryuso from batting Rui’s hand down.
Junmi had proposed this whole Christmas song cover collaboration to SUN Entertainment and DIAMOND Entertainment along with the other SOLUNEX members after Rui had texted him about wanting to cover a song. Despite it being such a spur of the moment idea, the CEOs seemed to love it and the two companies had put together all the details. FRESH DAY were to perform Holly Jolly Christmas, SOLUNEX were to perform Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, and the two groups were to perform This Christmas together. The song choices were less than ideal and pop-trap remixes, but Junmi wasn’t going to complain. SOLUNEX had prepared their cover for about a week now, and FRESH DAY had supposedly done the same, with both groups practicing their parts for the joint performance separately. Today was a joint practice to get rid of any problems.
Incorrect formations and wrong moves could easily be fixed. Whatever was causing FRESH DAY to look at SOLUNEX as if they were about to attack probably wasn’t.
“Don’t mind them,” Rui said as he approached Junmi, still smiling. For a second, Junmi wondered if he had said anything about FRESH DAY out loud. “I have no idea what they’re arguing about, honestly.” He sighed as if this was a daily occurrence. From what Rui had told Junmi before, it probably was.
“I hope it’s not about us.” Junmi gestured to the other SOLUNEX members. “Anyways…hi.”
Rui quietly laughed. “Hi.”
Despite how hard he tried, the “sparkling moment” would find its way into Junmi’s mind every time he interacted with Rui, no matter the place or time. He had felt sick for a week after talking to Kyler and couldn’t bring himself to even send a text to Rui without feeling nauseous. It had been torture, but when Junmi’s head cleared, he realized that it was probably never a “sparkling moment” at all. It was a stomach bug, or a cold, or the weather making his sinuses feel weird. He woke up one day and sent a “hi” to Rui without his fingers shaking or his insides twisting. It was just some sort of sickness. Rui’s words had snuck into his head uninvited, skewed his perspective, and almost ruined four years worth of friendship.
Junmi was hesitant to see Rui in person again, for fear of re-experiencing anything close to what he had felt on the mountain. He became an expert at making excuses to not hang out with Rui, substituting them for texts and phone calls. That first phone call knocked down the tower of worry building within Junmi. Rui’s voice sounded like it always did, and Junmi reacted like he always did. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Phone calls turned into video calls, and Junmi had no problems looking at Rui. He waited and waited for his heart to skip a beat or the world to stop while staring at Rui through the pixels on his phone, and was met with the safety of feeling normal.
When Junmi met up with Rui after a few weeks of pushing him away, everything was normal. Junmi knew he was staring at Rui more than he used to, but it wasn’t out of attraction or liking, but rather out of reckless curiosity. He didn’t want his heart to beat faster or his face to go warm, but he needed to know.
Junmi had hung out with Rui several times since, and yet there was nothing.
“Yo, Junmi, earth to Junmi!” Junmi blinked as a hand was waved violently in front of his face. He stumbled back as Rui squinted at him. “Is zoning out a new personality trait or have I just never noticed it?” The delivery was light-hearted, but Junmi heard the slight annoyance in Rui’s voice.
“Sorry,” Junmi apologized quietly.
“You okay? You’ve been zoning out-”
“Alright everybody! SOLUNEX! FRESH DAY! Welcome to our first joint practice!” The choreographer’s voice boomed through the speakers. Rui bit his lip, and motioned for Junmi to go stand with the other SOLUNEX members. The nine of them had bunched up and shifted over to observe Junmi and Rui. The choreographer tapped the microphone and spoke again. “We will be running it through once with music to find all of the big problems before going through it slowly. You don’t need to go all out with the choreography for this run through, but go all out with the formations. If there are collisions or weird spacing, that’s completely fine. Just keep moving through the formations.”
The two groups awkwardly shuffled over to their starting formations, somehow figuring it out without uttering a word to each other. Junmi threw a glance to the center of the fifteen-person formation, where the five FRESH DAY members were getting into position. Rui was placed in the center, beaming as if the performance had already started. He seemed so natural and in his element. Junmi wondered why SUN Entertainment had chosen Gyuhan over Rui to be FRESH DAY’s official center.
The music started once the commotion had settled down. Junmi moved through the counts of choreography without much thought. The opening dance break kept everyone in their sectioned groups of five, so all Junmi had to care about was whether or not Haoyu was standing in the right spot.
The first few big formation changes went by without much problem for Junmi. Ryuso had accidentally whacked Aheon in the face and Shion had ended up behind Miho instead of in front of him, but everybody had managed to find their spots eventually. Somewhere in the first verse, Rui had started singing his lines out loud. The SOLUNEX members caught on right away, taking the opportunity to show off their stable vocals. The other FRESH DAY members weakly joined in.
Junmi mentally prepared himself for the next formation change. This one involved turning and walking towards the center and then stepping into the back line. In practice with SOLUNEX, Junmi had ended up as one of the SOLUNEX members face-to-face with nobody as he approached the center, meaning he would have to trust whichever FRESH DAY member was opposite him to not mess up. All of the people on the side walking towards him would be scurrying out of a non-line formation by the time Junmi would be at the center, so he would have to just hope for the best.
Junmi turned and made his way towards the center.
The opposing members broke out of their formation to meet the members in the center. Junmi was off by one count in his steps.
Time slowed to a crawl as Junmi was met face-to-face with Rui. The music faded to a distant hum. The choreographer’s beat-clapping became muffled. Junmi’s incorrect step had become a small stumble, placing him millimetres farther across the center line than he was meant to be. Millimetres closer to Rui than he was meant to be. Rui’s sparkling, smiling eyes were staring directly into his. The sharp glow of the overhead fluorescents highlighted the features of Rui’s face. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes from smiling. The strands of faded blonde hair decorating his forehead. The light sparkle of the cheap, barely-there eyeshadow that Junmi recalled Rui telling him about.
Their noses were almost touching.
Time snapped back into place as hands grabbed Junmi’s arms, stopping him from losing balance. Junmi saw and heard Rui’s giggle under the deafening music due to their proximity. Rui let go and stepped to his next position without missing a beat as Junmi’s muscle memory dragged him to the correct spot weakly.
It wasn’t the music that was deafening. It was the reverberations of his heartbeat pounding in his head. Junmi struggled to get breaths in. His heart was running as if he had just faced mortal danger. His face and inside his chest burned like he had just swallowed lava.
Junmi survived the run through. Barely.
Junmi caught Kyler giving him a look as he swayed for a moment after hitting the ending pose. To avoid confrontation, or anyone who wanted to talk to him, Junmi made a beeline for his water bottle from the manager and excused himself to the hallway. He squeezed his eyes shut as he leaned against the cold hallway wall, draining a quarter of the water from the bottle. Junmi waited until his heart rate settled before entering the practice room again.
Junmi spent the rest of the run throughs focusing solely on the choreography and the structure of the formations. He listened more intently to the choreographer than any other trainer he had practiced with before. Junmi analyzed every formation in his head, planning out his exact routes. He deducted where he should look at any given time, how many steps it took between places, and who was around him in every formation. His eyes were locked on the mirror and the choreographer. They practiced the formations slowly, and then with music. Junmi was cautious and careful, safely putting distance between himself and the members around him. Between run throughs, Junmi stuck to Shion like a magnet. The older boy seemed to be content standing as far away from the FRESH DAY members as he could, so Junmi opted to keep him company.
After practice wrapped up for the day, before Junmi could even take a step towards the door, Rui stepped in front of him. “Are you still up for grabbing food?” Rui pushed away the strands of hair that had fallen over his enthusiastically shining eyes and Junmi had to look away. “Junmi?”
“Sorry, I…uh, I forgot I promised…Shion that we’d hang out at the dorms after practice. Sorry,” Junmi said, making minimal eye contact as Rui’s smile slowly fell. It was such an obvious lie from Junmi’s perspective and he waited for Rui to call him out.
Instead, Rui shook his head before softly laughing. “Zoning out, forgetting things, what has the idol world done to you?” Rui’s phone buzzed and he quickly checked it, shoving it back into his pocket in the blink of an eye. “I might have other plans as well.”
It didn’t end up being much of a lie, as Junmi spent the evening sitting on his bed staring at the wall while Shion scribbled away at some lyrics, sparing a spattering of curious glances at Junmi. He didn’t ask anything, and Junmi didn’t say anything.
The next collaboration practice was a small set of run throughs for the entire performance. The two groups were being treated to dinner by SUN Entertainment’s Head of Choreography afterwards to celebrate the season. As he entered the practice studio, Junmi wondered how easy it would be to fake an injury so he could be sent back to the dorms after. He saw Rui, who was in the process of tying his hair in a half-up half-down style that Junmi had never seen him try before, and the world swayed beneath him. For a moment, Junmi thought an earthquake was about to happen, or that the building was falling down, but Jungwon bumped into him and he had to apologetically grab onto Aheon to keep his balance. The commotion, caused more by Jungwon’s loud apology and Aheon’s loud laughter than Junmi tripping, caught Rui’s attention and he glanced over at the three, still putting his hair into place. Junmi felt like an animal caught in the headlights. Rui giggled as he processed what had happened, shaking his head as Aheon waved at him. Junmi broke his eyes away, and forced himself to stand by Haoyu and Hajoon. Maybe he could ask one of them to punch him in the face and break his nose. Maybe he could fall on his arm again. It probably wouldn’t hurt as much breaking it for a second time. He could try to fake fainting, or fake being sick, or just leave the room and outrun the managers.
Junmi tried his best to stay completely focused during practice. While performing the SOLUNEX portion of the performance, he kept his eyes pointing at the mirrors and not to the front corner where the FRESH DAY members were standing and observing.
Junmi caught Rui grinning and quietly clapping along to the performance in the corner of his eyes and almost forgot an entire count of choreography.
Junmi tried his best to stare at the wall as FRESH DAY ran through their solo performance, but the five member group had a balance to their performance that drew Junmi’s eyes back to the center of the practice studio. Their enthusiastic and cheerful expressions contrasted the intimidating glares they normally wore. All of the members shone individually and it looked like they were genuinely enjoying the performance. One member shone a bit brighter and a bit more vibrant than the rest, with a smile that made it feel like time had stopped everywhere but in that practice studio. Rui was putting his all into the small run through. Junmi wondered if he could ever be as natural and confident while performing as Rui was even for a small practice. Rui was miles above everyone else in the room when it came to stage presence. At one point, he pointed over at the SOLUNEX members, and Junmi felt as if he was a fan rather than an idol. Completely starstruck.
Before he knew it, Junmi was being pulled by Haoyu into position for the collaboration run through. Junmi switched into choreography-analysis mode in order to block out distractions. He made his way through the performance with little thought until the choreographer yelled his name to get him to do more expressions. When Junmi walked to the center for the face-to-face formation, he moved slightly more towards the back of the room, and stared past Rui as he kept his distance.
For all his scheming and pondering, Junmi couldn’t escape being dragged to dinner. He watched as Rui took a seat at one end of the table, leaving an empty spot beside him. Junmi made a beeline for a seat at the opposite end.
It was filming day. Junmi batted Sunwoo away as the other boy tried to put a reindeer antler headband on him. The other members were sorting through the various accessories that had been provided by the companies. Aheon and Jungwon were fighting over a star headband, and Hajoon was shaking his head. Junmi stood to the side to watch, being content with not wearing anything fancy.
As Junmi stared at the commotion, a makeup brush tickled his face, making him jump. He blinked out the bits of makeup that had gotten into his eye before Rui’s apologetic smile came into view. He was holding a makeup brush covered in gold dust, and swiped at Junmi’s face again. “There!”
Junmi blinked again at the aggressive force of makeup to his face before truly taking in the boy standing in front of him. Rui had the same gold dust painted onto his eyelids, with silver stars stuck by the sides of his eyes. It was mesmerizing.
It was overwhelming.
Junmi apologized quickly and quietly before hiding himself in the growing commotion by the accessory table.
Rui tried to approach him again after the dress rehearsal. Thankfully, Kyler was also there, and distracted Rui with compliments long enough for Junmi to grab his water bottle from the manager and dart into the hallway. Safely away from Rui, Junmi rested against the wall. His heart was still beating fast. Junmi took several deep breaths, and stared at the opposing wall. Minutes went by, and Junmi couldn’t piece together how he was feeling. He knew, deep inside, what it was. He had known it for a while.
In the middle of taking a sip of water, Junmi was startled by Rui’s voice in his ear. “Found you.” Junmi stumbled back, coughing as he choked on his water. Rui didn’t sound teasing or light-hearted. He sounded…tired. He wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t look angry. As Junmi coughed, Rui’s tired expression showed some concern. “Shit, sorry, I thought you heard me walk up to you. Don’t die on me, Junmi.” There it was. The light teasing was like a layer of reassurance over the weird emotions that Rui’s expression was causing Junmi to feel. With Rui staring right at him, Junmi wanted to turn and run, but his legs were locked in place.
Junmi coughed for a few more seconds before he could breathe normally again, and set his water bottle down so that Rui couldn’t catch him off-guard again. As he stood facing Rui, with no escape from a conversation, Junmi tried to figure out what to say. His mind was racing yet no words left his mouth.
“Are you avoiding me?” Rui asked weakly but bluntly. “Did I do something wrong? Ever since the first joint practice…it feels like you’ve been avoiding me. I don’t want to assume that, because I might just be overthinking or whatever, but you don’t even walk over to say hi. You barely even look my way, Junmi. You keep running off whenever we get a chance to talk.” Rui inhaled and exhaled. “I’m rambling, I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Junmi said. It came out too quiet and too weak.
“You say that, but…” Rui smiled softly. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know you, Junmi. I know something’s bothering you. I thought you were maybe feeling unwell or whatever, but you keep acting like this. You keep acting like this around me, specifically. You don’t look like you’re enjoying the practices. You didn’t look like you were enjoying the rehearsal. If I did or said something that is making you uncomfortable or angry, please just tell me, Junmi.” Rui sighed. “And I’m rambling again…” he mumbled.
Junmi didn’t know what to say.
“Rui, I didn’t mean to avoid you, but…”
So he lied.
“It’s really stupid, honestly. I, uh, well, we haven’t practiced together in so long, and, uh, I don’t know. I guess I was just a bit envious of how good you and the other FRESH DAY members are at performing.” Junmi cleared his throat as naturally as he could. “I was comparing myself to you. Sorry. I let it get to me.” Somehow, the lie sounded natural, and Junmi felt relieved when Rui seemed to believe it.
“Junmi,” Rui said quietly. He gently placed a hand on Junmi’s shoulder. “You’re, like, one of the best performers I know. Never, and I mean it, compare yourself to anyone else. Especially not me. Even if you don’t see it, I do.” Rui looked so serious, so determined to cheer Junmi up. It hit Junmi through the heart.
He didn’t want to run away anymore.
“We have a cover to film!” Aheon’s voice echoed down the hallway. The younger boy peeked his head around the corner, waving at Junmi and Rui.
“Ah, right,” Rui said, more to himself than to Junmi. As he stepped away, Junmi caught his arm.
“Rui, really, I’m sorry.” Junmi was being honest. “For avoiding you.”
Rui just smiled. Junmi felt fireworks in his heart and sunshine on his face. Rui poked Junmi on the nose, causing him to flinch. “Don’t do it again or I’ll punt you off the side of the SUN Entertainment building,” he teased before sprinting down the hallway, cackling as he ran.
Junmi ran too, but this time, it was towards Rui.

Read: Special

Junmi was never usually the one to unlock the doors at the SOLUNEX dorms. It was either Hajoon or Haoyu being the only members awake enough to handle the keys after a long practice, or Jungwon, Sunwoo, and Aheon racing ahead to get inside quicker. Even when he left the dorm for personal schedules or hang-outs with Rui, a member was usually there to greet Junmi at the door. Half the time Junmi didn’t even bother to grab his set of keys because he knew that the chance of being locked out was very slim.
“You said we were looking at your apartment, not your apartment door,” Rui said teasingly, but Junmi heard the tinge of concern in his voice. Rui nudged him with the plastic bag holding the pair’s February 17th tradition of buying a cake for Junmi’s birthday.
“Right.” Junmi stopped fumbling with the keys to his solo dorm and unlocked the door. His heart pounded with the now familiar nervousness of stepping into the apartment. If Junmi hadn’t been forcibly accustomed to this newfound cause of stress, he was sure he would have easily mistaken the source of his rise in heartrate to be Rui standing right beside him.
As the door swung open, Junmi was greeted with the unfamiliar scent of a freshly cleaned and unfurnished apartment. SUN Entertainment had spared no expense. Junmi had told them that a studio apartment was reasonable, but his manager had secured more upscale accommodations on the request of Ahn Minhui herself. The apartment’s open-area concept was exaggerated by the uncovered floor space and piles of boxes lining the walls. The sunlight streamed in through the windows, casting the floor in a glow.
“It’s very empty,” Junmi remarked almost apologetically. The most he had done was move the boxes in, but it had been difficult to unpack when he was trying to spend as much time as he could with the SOLUNEX members.
Rui stepped around Junmi and into the apartment. “It’s minimalist,” he joked. “Very chic. Didn’t think you were into modern interior design.”
Junmi rolled his eyes and shut the door behind him, following Rui into the uncomfortably empty apartment. “It won’t be if I get enough time to sort things out.” He gestured to the boxes. “This isn’t even all of the stuff. I still need the main furniture.”
“You’ll get there,” Rui assured. He sat in the middle of where the living room was going to be and placed the bag beside him. “But for now, all you should be thinking about is this!” He lifted the small cake out of the bag dramatically. It had the same navy blue frosting and star-shaped cookie framing as the ones Rui had bought before. When the two of them had visited the bakery before Junmi had invited Rui to see his dorm, the cake was already sitting ready in its bag on the counter when they walked in, despite Rui claiming that he didn’t place an order beforehand. The cashier had a glint in her eye that made Junmi both uneasy and very aware of how he was acting beside Rui. She had said “That time of year again?” to Rui while he was paying for the cake. Rui had only giggled in response.
Junmi sat beside Rui on the floor and reached around in the bag for the utensils. “You’ve never told me why you like that bakery so much.”
Rui scoffed playfully. “Are you saying that it's bad?” Junmi was quick to shake his head, and Rui laughed. “I don’t know…I guess it’s kind of a special bakery to me? I definitely like it more now that I go there every year.”
Junmi fought against the heat rising to his face. The question of “Is that why it’s special?” hovered on his tongue but his common sense pushed it away. “You enjoy being vague, don’t you?” Junmi said as he popped the plastic cover off of the cake. “Why is it special, though?” Rui took an uncomfortably long time to answer the question and Junmi glanced at him. Rui was staring at the floor with an expression he often wore before choosing to deflect a question. “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me,” Junmi said, accepting that this was just another Rui secret.
Rui gestured to the cake and snatched a fork from Junmi’s hand. “Let’s eat!” he exclaimed as if the bakery was never brought up.
The two of them ate the delicious chocolate cake in relative silence. They had spent the entire afternoon exchanging stories and chatting about anything, so Junmi was happy to have some time to just be in the comfortable quiet. Silences with Rui used to be something that Junmi found eerie, as the older boy enjoyed talking his ear off, but he found them comforting now. It meant, to him at least, that Rui knew he didn’t have to be “interesting” all the time around Junmi. Junmi hoped that was the case. Rui was plenty interesting no matter what.
In the present moment, Rui was gazing across the room at the windows. The golden sunlight of the setting sun basked him in an ethereal glow. Rui’s hair was no longer the soft blonde that it had been for a while. It had been dyed back to the dark brown that it used to be and Junmi mentally compared Rui to how he looked back when they were both trainees. Despite the time and the changes, he was definitely still the same Rui that stumbled into Junmi’s practice room all those years ago. As he watched Rui, painted by the warm golden light, an emotion swirled within Junmi that he could only describe as butterflies. In his mind, it was a swarm of iridescent butterflies that danced around Rui as if he was a fairytale prince.
It had been a troublesome few months of trying to wrap his head around his feelings towards Rui. Junmi struggled with pinpointing when exactly any of it started, and that alone had caused sleepless nights. Of course, he could always say that his feelings started on that day on the mountain, but it didn’t feel right. What he felt was too strong, too overwhelming, to have just appeared out of nowhere like that. And yet…his memory failed to bring him any other examples before that day. It was a pathetic, trivial detail that nobody would mull over, but to Junmi, it continued to poke at his mind.
Rui snapped Junmi out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry that this wasn’t a very good birthday celebration.”
Junmi could only blink at the absurdity of Rui’s statement. “What do you mean “not very good”? I’ve been having a great time.”
“Genuinely?” Rui asked, and Junmi responded with a nod. Rui frowned. “If my practice didn’t take up the entire morning, we could have done so much more. All we did was get stuck waiting for trains, go to the bakery, and come here.”
“Don’t feel bad about having practice. You have a comeback soon and I’m not going to get in the way of important practices.” Junmi said with a pointed look. “I didn’t mind waiting for the train either.” The train the two of them had needed to take had been delayed, forcing them to wait at the station. Nobody there recognized them, and for once in a long time, Junmi had felt like a normal person in public. Rui performed impersonations of the announcements about the delay that were surprisingly accurate and it kept Junmi entertained. “It was fun. The whole day was fun.”
Rui sighed, and the apologetic tone stayed in his voice. “Yeah, but…I don’t know. It’s your birthday!” Rui gestured around. “You should be spending it doing things that aren’t this mundane! Your birthday should be special.”
“Isn’t spending it with you special enough?”
There was a silence.
Junmi felt the weight of his words tumble down and crash through every floor of the apartment building, but he kept his eyes focused on the window. He had meant to say it casually, nonchalantly. He couldn’t tell if he had pulled it off. In his peripheral vision, Junmi could tell that Rui had stopped eating when Junmi spoke. He could also tell that Rui was staring directly at him.
The imagined sharpness in the room broke as Junmi glanced over at Rui, who had a gentle smile on his face. Rui shook his head and let out a quiet giggle. “You’ve been so sentimental recently.”
Junmi let an embarrassed smile crawl onto his face. “Is it weird?”
“No, I like it,” Rui said with no extra feeling in his voice, but Junmi still felt like his chest had been hit with a rock. “Lets me know that I’m not the only sappy one.”
Rui reached over to nudge Junmi’s shoulder with his hand, but Junmi didn’t even try to stop him.
Blinking out of his momentary daze, Junmi realized that the tiny cake was already reduced to crumbs and remembered an essential part of their Junmi birthday tradition. He collected some of the remaining blue frosting onto his finger, and while Rui was distracted with moving around a couple crumbs with his fork, Junmi swiped the frosting in a line across Rui’s face. The blue line went in the opposite direction of Rui’s scar, creating an “X” on his face. Rui flinched, blinked a couple of times, and then raised his eyebrows at Junmi. Junmi barely had time to react before Rui swiped a frosting line across his face. Junmi scraped some of it off and went to attack Rui again, but Rui caught his wrist just before Junmi could get his hand close. Junmi tried to wrestle his hand closer to Rui’s face while Rui tried to move it away, the two of them giggling all the while. The struggle lasted for what felt like forever. Rui loosened his grip for half a second and Junmi succeeded in his attack. His finger swiped across Rui’s jawline, and for a moment, Junmi’s mind wondered what it would be like to kiss Rui.
Rui was still giggling, but Junmi felt the thrill of the moment drain from him. He pushed himself a little farther away from Rui. What was he thinking? His heart was pounding. He felt out of breath. Of course, he had thought about it - kissing Rui - before, but it had been fleeting thoughts when his mind wanted to wander. It was different when Rui was right in front of him.
While Junmi silently recovered from his own thoughts, Rui was distracted by an object that Junmi had left on top of one of the boxes. Junmi only shook himself out of his thoughts when Rui pointed at it. Junmi looked over his shoulder to see his current lyrics notebook. He reached over and grabbed it, putting it between him and Rui.
“Can I look?” Rui asked with a genuine look in his eyes, but he was already picking up the book. Junmi nodded, as he had done every time Rui had asked to look through it, by the time Rui was already flipping through the pages. Rui was the one person that Junmi trusted fully with his lyric notebook. He had spent hours staring over Junmi’s shoulder when they were trainees.
As Rui scanned each page, he hummed with approval. “You’ve written a lot recently. These are all really good. Much happier than some of your older lyrics.”
The city lights through the window were beginning to twinkle as the golden glow of the sunlight grew more orange. Rui had a soft smile on his face as he flipped through the pages. Junmi felt the butterfly feeling again.
After Rui had examined the entire notebook, the two of them locked the apartment and made their way to the train station. Rui had a couple block walk back to the FRESH DAY dorms, but he waited with Junmi for his train. Rui’s words about wanting Junmi to have a fun birthday replayed in his head. Junmi wasn’t sure if Rui had fully believed that Junmi had enjoyed spending time with him today, so as his train pulled into the station, Junmi let his sleepiness-induced courage get to him. Before Rui could step away or even mutter a goodbye, Junmi hugged him. It was quick, it was clumsy, and Junmi pulled away almost immediately, but Rui seemed slightly caught off-guard. He let out a confused and breathy laugh, and Junmi retreated into the open traincar door with a “bye”. As the door began to close, Rui appeared to get over his surprise and Junmi watched him laugh and shake his head. “You’re so strange,” Rui mouthed as the door shut. Junmi felt embarrassed and uncomfortable, but also warm and full of sunshine.
When Junmi returned to the SOLUNEX dorm, he unlocked the door rather than knocking. He didn’t want any of the members to ask why he was so flustered.

Read: Roadtrip

To Junmi, the trophy didn’t mean much. Of course, his first win was a huge deal at the time, but it wasn’t his first win in the industry; he had already felt the rush of ‘first win’ emotions with SOLUNEX, so it didn’t hit the same the second time. The intertwining gold and silver metals of the intricate design sparkled in the mid-day light, but dust was beginning to collect in the crevices. He had tried several times to convince himself it was important - it was displayed proudly on a shelf, it was surrounded by congratulatory notes, it stood out like a sore thumb in the room - but it was really just a hunk of metal that reminded him he needed to get back to writing. That he had an important meeting in two days. That the producers were expecting his opinions on the song they had sent him. That the talk show had yet to call his manager back. That he would have to turn down the MC offer he received so that he could record that commercial.
But it wasn’t just a hunk of metal to most people. Junmi didn’t miss the way Rui’s fingers graced the side of the trophy as if it was forbidden. “This is crazy,” Rui whispered to himself, flicking through the assorted notes. Again, his fingers hovered near the trophy. “It’s…” Rui’s voice trailed off, leaving an unfilled silence in its wake.
Junmi cleared his throat. “It’s lighter than it looks,” he said, motioning towards Rui’s hand idly waiting beside the trophy. Rui cautiously lifted the trophy with stars in his eyes. He weighed it in each hand, examining all of the details that Junmi hadn’t cared to notice until now. Rui looked enamoured by it, but in an instant, the trophy was back in its place and Rui stepped away as if looking at it any longer would harm him.
It was Rui’s turn to clear his throat. “So, promotions are done done now?”
“Music shows, yes. General promotions…I don’t think those are ever going to end,” Junmi sighed. The calendar on his wall was filled to the brim with marker. Meetings. Training. Recordings. TikToks. Writing. SOLUNEX had a relatively relaxed schedule because work was divided among ten people, something that Junmi didn’t think about much until after the fact. Now he was doing the work of ten people.
“They don’t end until you stop selling albums,” Rui teased, poking the single physical copy of Junmi’s album that was allowed in his apartment. “But…if you have any free time…”
“Where is this going?”
“Ah, you’re free this weekend!” Rui tapped the two empty spaces on the calendar. “We’re going on a roadtrip. To celebrate.”
The idea was enticing, but even if Junmi’s calendar said he had nothing to do, writing didn’t stop for him. He knew something could pop up at any minute. Last-minute schedules were a SUN Entertainment specialty. “Don’t be so sure of yourself.”
Rui smirked and Junmi’s heart flipped - in fear of whatever Rui was scheming and because of the way it turned into a mischievous giggle. “I already booked a room, though. You wouldn’t want me to waste my hard-earned money, would you? It’s somewhere where there aren't many tourists either.” Rui was barely concealing his smile through his pathetic attempt to convince Junmi, but that in itself was tugging at his heart. The thought of just the two of them driving somewhere and just enjoying themselves without worrying about other people caused Junmi’s heart to race dangerously fast. It had been so long since they had hung out somewhere other than Junmi’s apartment or hidden beneath masks and disguises in small cafes. Junmi wanted to say no, because he knew Minhui was going to try and call him about the song he sent her to review or his manager was going to find some obscure variety show to book, but Rui’s smile won him over with ease.
“We leave on Saturday, then? And come back on Sunday?” Junmi asked as he walked over to Rui and grabbed the marker hanging from the calendar. He tried to ignore the way Rui’s smile grew as he wrote “Roadtrip” on the empty spaces. He tried to suppress his own smile too. He wasn’t going to let Rui think he won that easily.
Rui arrived at 7:00 sharp on Saturday morning in a car that Junmi had never seen before. “Nice ride,” he commented as he lugged his duffel bag of essentials into the trunk.
“Rental. My parents would kill me if I tried to borrow theirs,” Rui said, patting the top of the car as if he was proving that it wouldn’t fall apart. “Maybe someday I’ll have the budget for my own.”
Junmi slipped into the passenger seat. “Don’t Gyuhan and Miho drive as well? You guys could pool your money together.”
Rui shrugged as the car started up with an uncomfortable rumble. “Maybe.” And that was it on the topic. Junmi waited for Rui to continue after he pulled out of the apartment complex parking. Waited for him to make a joke about buying his dream car or the members fighting over who would get to drive. Nothing. Junmi shrugged it off.
The first hour of the trip was oddly quiet. Rui had chosen a playlist full of songs they both liked to fill the silence. Junmi tried to stare out the window at the bustling Seoul streets, but his eyes kept wandering back to his left. He wasn’t sure when exactly Rui got his driver’s license, but the two of them driving themselves anywhere was a rarity, so Junmi wasn’t used to it. Rui drove with the same focus he performed with. Attention solely on the task at hand. Yet so natural at it. A LUNIVER song began to play, and Junmi noticed Rui’s eyes light up. Rui began to sing along absentmindedly, filling some lyrics with humming. Even without trying, his voice was expressive and beautiful and Junmi allowed himself to appreciate the moment instead of forcing down the fluttering of his heart.
When the main rap verse of the song began, Junmi hesitantly joined in, and Rui looked at him for the first time in an hour with a smile so bright it could rival the sun. The two of them fell into the rhythm of the song, filling the car with their own voices. Although Junmi wanted to bury himself in a hole when his voice cracked on a higher note, he pushed through the song.
Their karaoke session lasted several songs - featuring a few giggle fits from Rui where he expressed wanting to pull over - until FRESH DAY’s debut song popped up. Junmi reached over to turn the volume up, but Rui’s hand got there at the same time. They both awkwardly retracted their hands, and thirty seconds into the song, Rui skipped it with no explanation.
After another hour or so of driving, this time filled with slightly less music and more chatting, Rui pulled off the highway and onto a local road. He parked the car in front of a small, American-style diner. Comedically American-styled, complete with a retro car and a fake neon sign. “Lunch?” Rui asked, but he was already getting out of the car.
They were the only two customers in the entire restaurant, though it was so small that it probably couldn’t fit more than twenty people by Junmi’s estimates. Rui scanned through the menu, showing off his English by reading out the translations included under each item. He would say each one with a smile in Junmi’s direction to try and get a reaction out of him, but Junmi simply pretended to ignore him until Rui loudly stated, “Oh, so you hate me.”
“What are you getting?” Junmi asked to pivot the conversation.
He got a tongue stuck out at him in response and, “Probably just their grilled chicken panini. Oh, this Retro Burger is totally up Ryuso’s alley. Maybe I should…” Rui’s voice trailed off. For a moment, he frowned, but returned to a smile quickly. “Nevermind. What about you?”
Junmi purposely gave Rui a look, which he ignored. “Not sure.”
“How about I order for you?” Rui offered. The glint in his eye made Junmi want to refuse, but he nodded anyway.
Rui flagged down the singular waiter who had been eying them from across the room. “I’ll get the California Chicken Panini, and he’ll get…” Rui squinted at Junmi as if he was studying him before checking the menu again. “The Arizona Salad with pork, but no almonds please.”
“How do you know I don’t like almonds?” Junmi asked as the waiter left. “I don’t remember telling you that.”
Rui just smiled. “I do.”
The salad was exactly what Junmi wanted.
By the time they reached the motel Rui booked, the sun was beginning to set. The past couple of hours had been filled with occasional karaoke outbursts, Rui pulling over for anything labeled “Tourist Attraction”, and Junmi trying to find stories from promotions that he hadn’t already told Rui. Sprawling in front of the quiet motel and the three cars in its lot was a peaceful expanse of sand and water. Rui checked into the front office while Junmi carried the basket of premade picnic dinner to the beach. The only sounds were the whisper of the wind, the gentle rolling of the waves, and the call of birds overhead. They ate their food in comfortable silence, punctuated occasionally by Rui sighing happily or giggling at Junmi, who didn’t quite understand what was so funny, but smiled back nonetheless.
Once everything was neatly packed back into the basket, Rui stood and made a beeline for the water, kicking off his shoes in either direction and rolling up his pants to his calf. He waded into the water and motioned for Junmi to follow him. Junmi hovered by the edge of the water until Rui trudged over to him and crossed his arms with a mock pout. He had no choice but to give up, and joined Rui in being shoeless with rolled up pants in the water.
“Ah, shit, that’s cold!” Junmi complained as the icy water stung his ankles. Rui cackled and pulled Junmi even deeper into the water. “Rui! What the hell?”
Rui kicked up a spray of water in front of them. “It’s not that bad!” He assured through laughter.
“Oh yeah?” Junmi kicked water in Rui’s direction, earning a surprised “hey”. Rui retaliated with own move, a spinning kick that Junmi had no chance of dodging. Junmi tried to escape, but Rui chased after him. Junmi startled him by turning suddenly and using his arms to splash the water into Rui’s face. It was Junmi’s mistake to be that low to the water, because he lost his balance as Rui’s next water attack hit the side of his face, sending him into the shallow water. Instead of offering a hand, Rui joined Junmi on the ground, letting them both get their clothes drenched by the salty water. Junmi caught his breath before gently flicking water towards Rui, who just accepted his fate. Both acclimatized to the brisk water, they sat there and watched the sunset.
Junmi was pulled out of his peaceful trance when he heard a sniffle. Rui wiped his eyes, and when he realized Junmi was looking at him, let out what sounded like a frustrated sigh. Before Junmi could ask, Rui explained. “It’s nothing. I got water in my eye and it stings. I’m not crying.” No usual Rui laugh followed, leaving Junmi with a strange feeling in his stomach.
The motel room was a simple one-room, two single-person beds design. Junmi let out a sigh of relief when he opened the door. The fear of a single-bed room had only occurred to him on the way up from the beach. The two of them changed into warmer clothes and Rui hauled their ocean-soaked outfits to the motel’s laundry station. As he waited for Rui to get back, Junmi paced between the two beds. Rui had obviously been crying earlier and Junmi had tried to ignore the handful of other weird moments throughout the day where Rui had acted off. It was eating at him now, and he needed to bring it up. As soon as Rui opened the door, Junmi paused his pacing. “Rui, can we talk?”
Rui tilted his head and his eyebrows lowered. “Okay…?” He joined Junmi in standing between the beds, and Junmi felt less brave with the proximity.
“You’ve been a little off today,” Junmi said plainly, void of malice, just casually. He didn’t want Rui to shut the conversation down before it could start.
“What do you mean? How so?” Rui wasn’t very convincing with his feigned confusion.
“I don’t know exactly. But you seem a bit…” Junmi gestured around as he tried to find the words.
“A bit what? You’re supposed to be good with words, lyric man,” Rui joked, but he inhaled when Junmi leveled him with a “knock it off” stare. Junmi continued his purposeful stare as Rui looked everywhere but him. Finally, Rui surrendered with a sigh of defeat.
“If I’m being completely honest, I hate driving,” Rui admitted with a shrug and a sad smile. “I can barely focus as is. Add in the stress of controlling a dangerous piece of metal at high speed? It throws me off.” He shrugged again, but his shoulders were tense.
Junmi understood what that meant. “That’s not all, is it?”
Rui shook his head. Junmi had caught him. “Remember how I was telling you about the arguments between the FRESH DAY members? How they’ve been getting worse?” Junmi nodded. “I’ve been trying to do what you said - to not let it be my problem and not be the one to fix it - but I feel so guilty. When we’re all together, in the very small moments where they set aside their problems, I still feel like they expect me to do something about it. So, I needed an excuse to get away for a couple days. To get away from them.” Rui raised his palms in surrender. “But that’s not what this trip was for. It’s for you. I didn’t want to bring down the mood or take away from you having a good time.”
Although Junmi felt the need to scold Rui, he understood where he was coming from. But something else was bugging him. “If you don’t like driving, why did you suggest a roadtrip? If you wanted to celebrate with me and not be in the dorms, we could have just ordered food at my place or something. You’re free to stay at my place if you need to.”
Rui batted away the idea of staying over with his hand as if the words were floating it in the air. “I just…you’ve been so busy recently. Group promotions are bad enough, so I can’t imagine how stressful solo promotions are. Like, your calendar makes me want to throw up. You’re always surrounded by fans and managers too. And, uh, when I listened to your album…I guess it’s not weird for me to worry about you, is it?” Rui’s smile had a hint of concern. Junmi shook his head, reassuring Rui that it was fine. After all, Junmi was the one who chose to write such a personal album. He knew he would have to deal with people worrying over his mental health. “When I was younger, my parents would take me on roadtrips when I was having a bad week or when school exams were finished so I could take a moment to step away from my responsibilities. I thought that if it worked for me, it could work for you. Even if when we get back, you immediately start thinking about your schedules again, at least you got a couple days of freedom.”
Junmi realized that since he set foot in the car, not one thought of work had crossed his mind. Despite spending his entire week consumed by stress, as soon as the roadtrip started, Junmi had been happier. And he didn’t notice.
Rui noticed. Of course Rui noticed. Even when Rui had his own worries and problems, he cared about how Junmi was doing. They both cared about each other. It filled Junmi’s heart with a feeling he couldn’t quite describe. It was warm. It was strong.
Rui tentatively opened his arms. For the first time without hesitation, Junmi stepped into them. The embrace was warm. Comfortable. Rui’s sweater was soft and smelled faintly of lavender. Junmi usually felt so trapped in hugs, but this one felt natural. Normal. Like it was where he needed to be.
“I love you,” Junmi whispered. Maybe he was tired. Maybe he was in too deep to care. But those three words were the only thing he wanted to say. And it felt good to say them. It felt right.
Until it didn’t.
The whisper hung in the air. The air grew heavy. He had said too much. Three little words that were so commonplace. His ears went numb, his heart began to pound too fast. In Rui’s embrace, he was too vulnerable. As much as it felt like it was where he belonged, it had turned into a trap.
But then Rui’s soft laughter broke through the quiet. The sound made Junmi want to cry.
“I love you, too,” Rui whispered back. “You’re my best friend.”
And with that, despite Rui’s arms remaining wrapped around him, the warmth of the hug melted into an uncomfortable cold. Junmi knew, deep inside, that he should have been happy in that moment. His accidental confession was perceived as nothing more than platonic appreciation. He had nothing to worry about. Rui didn’t pull away. Rui didn’t think anything of it. If anything, Junmi had climbed the first steps of saying those three words more often if he wanted to.
The coldness was the rush of bittersweet disappointment. It left a sour taste in Junmi’s mouth. Best friends. Rui wasn’t wrong.
He waited for Rui to step out of the hug first.
Junmi couldn’t fall asleep that night. He slept most of the trip back.

Read: Baking

It was just like Rui to get roped into promoting SUN Entertainment at company events. If Junmi had to bet on who the company would send as the staple of charismatic idols, he would place all of his money on Rui. Rui was friendly with strangers, charming to investors, and knew exactly what to say to convince people that SUN Entertainment was a company worth giving their money to. He was also a bit of a pushover when it came to the CEO.
And it was just like Junmi to get roped into helping Rui bake desserts for one of these exact events.
Junmi eyed the bowls on the island counter. They were all different sizes and shapes. “This is why you need to learn to say no.”
Rui checked the expiry date of one of the cartons in the refrigerator. “If it helps the company…” He placed the carton on the counter with a shrug. Junmi hoped it wasn’t past its best before date. “Then it’s fine. I don’t mind baking.”
“Why would they even ask you to bring anything?”
“No idea. Sometimes these events are like that. 50 of these mousse-cake things shouldn’t be too difficult.” Rui checked the time on his phone. “He said he would be here by now.”
As much as Rui played off his baking dilemma as not being difficult, he invited two people to help him. The “he” in question, to Junmi’s surprise, was Attune’s Seo Yeochan. During Junmi’s stint as a part-time music show MC, he had met Yeochan once. He was very polite and professional, but as it was with most idols Junmi met, nothing important came of the interaction. It made sense that Rui could break past that and actually befriend other idols. As much as Junmi enjoyed the idea of just Rui and him baking together, another pair of hands wouldn’t hurt.
Yeochan arrived promptly two minutes later. The first thing out of his mouth was, “I’m so sorry. Traffic was horrendous.” followed by, “Oh, hello! Rui said you’d be here. Nice to meet you again, Junmi.” Yeochan spoke as if he and Junmi were long-time friends. It was a bit weird, but somehow comforting. Junmi greeted him back and tried to ignore Rui grinning at their interaction like it was part of some master plan.
The three of them set to work. Rather than cookies or cupcakes, Rui had been ambitious and chose a recipe for strawberry mousse cakes dipped in chocolate and dusted with powdered sugar. As complicated as it sounded, Rui assured them that it would be fine. They just needed to…multiply the recipe by ten. That explained why there were so many bowls, Junmi thought.
Rui volunteered to make the mousse, leaving Yeochan and Junmi to create the brownie center of the cake. Junmi carefully measured out the ingredients while Yeochan started chopping the too-expensive chocolate. “Do you bake much?” Yeochan asked.
“Hm?”
Yeochan gestured to Junmi’s use of the smaller bowls to hold all of the ingredients. “Most people just measure as they go. I’ve only seen people who know what they’re doing set everything out like that.”
“If you don’t measure beforehand, how will you know if you’re missing an ingredient?” Junmi pointed out. His mother had drilled that sentiment into him as a child while guiding him through sugar cookie recipes. Yeochan smiled and told him it was a fair point. “But to answer your question, no. I’d like to, but with schedules and everything…”
“Oh, I know. My company keeps reminding me to write songs while acting like I should be taking this hiatus thing more seriously,” Yeochan laughed.
Junmi knew that struggle all too well. “Writing never stops.”
“Writing never stops,” Yeochan agreed.
Out of the corner of his eye, Junmi could see Rui watching them carefully.
As they started combining the ingredients - Yeochan handling the liquids and Junmi handling the dry - Yeochan guided the conversation along. Junmi found it easy to chat with him. He didn’t think they would have much in common, but Yeochan was able to find several topics they could agree on. He almost forgot Rui was there too, as the other boy was diligently focusing on the mousse recipe. During a lull in the conversation, Junmi decided it was fair to ask the question that had been dancing around his mind. “How did you and Rui become friends?”
He felt Rui’s eyes snap to them at the change in conversation topic. Yeochan just laughed. “We met at a music show, as surprising as that is,” he joked. “I saw FRESH DAY perform and wanted to introduce myself. Turns out Rui is the only person in the group who socializes.”
Rui gestured at the empty dorm around them. “And here’s proof to that. Those four fled as soon as I told them you guys were coming over.”
“We kept running into each other,” Yeochan continued. “I assume you know this, seeing as you’re friends with him too, but Rui is fun to talk to, so I made an effort to stay in contact.” Rui paused his mixing for a second. When Junmi glanced at him, he couldn’t read Rui’s expression, but it didn’t look neutral. It didn’t look happy either. He was probably just frustrated with the recipe. Yeochan didn’t notice. “He’s told me a lot about you.”
“Me?” Junmi asked at the same time Rui said quietly, “Don’t exaggerate.” The two of them were left in an awkward, startled staring match. Rui looked away first, putting an aggressive amount of effort into his mixing. Junmi had to admit, it was kind of nice that Rui was embarrassed about talking about him. It did weird things to his heart.
“When you were in SOLUNEX, he relayed your stories about the members to me. Those stories hit home, you know. The chaos of having more than seven people in a group is a real and serious struggle.” Yeochan said.
Junmi sighed jokingly. “Finally, someone gets it.” Yeochan laughed, and then Junmi laughed. Instead of whatever dramatic inner monologue he was emoting before, Rui was smiling softly at them now. Their eyes met and Junmi suddenly really wanted to include Rui in the conversation. “How’s the mousse? Isn’t that the most important part of this? You’ve been quiet.”
Rui proudly displayed his saucepan mixture that didn’t look quite right. “It’s nice just listening to you two talk.”
“Well, maybe listen less and pay attention to that more,” Junmi said, pointing at the confusing mixture. Rui frowned, but then sighed as he looked at the mixture again. Yeochan took a moment to let the melting chocolate cool, examined Rui’s saucepan, and then drizzled in a hint of the remaining milk and whisked it. The mixture looked less concerning.
Yeochan and Junmi successfully baked the brownie batter into something edible. They added a bit too much sugar, but Yeochan brushed it off. It was fine to add a little extra sweetness. He said it so whimsically, and Junmi and Rui shared a teasing expression behind his back.
Junmi was granted permission to test the mousse’s flavour. The strawberry was very vibrant, but so was the sourness of the lemon juice. It was too sour. “What did you do to this?”
“I followed the recipe,” Rui said with a pout. He tested it himself and cringed. “Oh, no, this is disgusting.”
Yeochan swooped in to save the mousse yet again. His general competence was a bit astounding. By the time he had mixed it again, it tasted perfect. It was a bit too runny, but Yeochan was sure it would be alright.
Junmi and Rui let Yeochan handle the ganache glaze as the assembled cakes waited in the freezer. They sat on the island stools, watching Yeochan as if he was a chef on a television show. Yeochan ran with the bit and explained his process with big words. The stools were positioned weirdly in the first place, but during a moment where Yeochan was silent, Junmi realized just how close he was to Rui. Their shoulders brushed against each other, and when Junmi risked a glance at Rui, Rui smiled back at him. It left him breathless.
With the cakes glazed, there was only one step left: the powdered sugar. The privilege of sprinkling the sugar was given to Yeochan, as the three of them had collectively decided that he was the star baker of the day. Yeochan paraded the bag of sugar around for a second before pausing dramatically. He stared at his enemies - the cakes - and prepared to scoop the sift into the bag.
But the bag was too heavy for the dramatic pose and Yeochan let go.
The bag hit the counter and a plume of white powder exploded into the air. Junmi couldn’t see for a second and the dust was thick enough that it left him coughing. When the air cleared, the damage was done. Everything in the bag’s radius was coated in the fine sugar as if it had snowed. Half of the sugar was in a pile on the floor. Junmi had shielded himself from most of it, but Rui’s hair was covered and he was wiping it off of his face. Yeochan had barely escaped too, dusting the white off of his apron. The cakes, somehow, were half-dusted. Rather than pausing to assess the situation, Yeochan scooped into the upright bag on the floor with the sift and finished the dusting. Rui coughed for a few more seconds before devolving into a fit of laughter. Junmi was still a bit too stunned to really process what had happened. Yeochan looked mortified, but because Rui was laughing, he nervously giggled. Junmi shook his head, but it was to hide laughter of his own.
The three of them spent two hours cleaning up Yeochan’s mess, punctuated by occasional laughter outbursts. Rui thought it was the most hilarious thing that had ever happened. Yeochan was too embarrassed to talk about it. Junmi was just glad that the cakes were okay and that Rui wasn’t upset. Exhausted, the three of them sat on the cleaned floor together.
Yeochan spoke first, finally escaping his shame. “We should do this again. Seriously.”
Rui peered at him. “No powdered materials next time.” Yeochan sighed, defeated.
Junmi gave Rui a look. “You could barely handle the mousse.”
“But would you guys actually want to do this again? I had a lot of fun,” Yeochan said.
Junmi looked around the room. At the somewhat decent-looking cakes on the counter. At the brooms and broompans leaning against the table. At the sugar stuck in Rui’s hair. At a friend he didn’t expect to make today. If it was a different time, even if it was a year ago, he would have hesitated. Instead, Junmi agreed.

Known Predebut Footage[]

Butterfly by WJSN (2020, dance cover) - School festival performance
Yes or Yes by TWICE (2020, dance cover) - School festival performance
Secret Garden by OH MY GIRL (2020, dance cover) - School dance crew performance
Bad Boy by Red Velvet (2020, dance cover) - School dance crew performance
La Vie En Rose by IZ*ONE (2020, dance cover) - School dance crew performance
FINDING ME (2021, documentary) - Briefly seen in the background

SUN Entertainment Q&A (June 2022)[]

Favourite Songs Right Now: Panorama by IZ*ONE, FEVER by SOLVIZ, DM by C9PID
Best Three Traits: Rap skills, distinct nose, hard working
Representative Animal: Bird
Representative Colour: Blue
Other Languages Spoken: English (fluent), Spanish (learning), Japanese (learning)
Reason For Becoming A Trainee: Wanting to share his rap
Special Skill: Emotional lyric writing
Favourite Sunbaenims Right Now: Moonie of LuckY, Sunri of Sequoia, Zihao of IMMORPHIA
Hobbies Right Now: Embroidery (learning, bad at it right now), learning TikTok dances (to improve arm movement sharpness), painting

Star Maker X 101[]

Audition performance - Nostalgia by DRIPPIN: Rank D
Universe Battles - Drunk-Dazed by ENHYPEN, Team: Cherry Punch, Vocal 8
First Eliminations - Placed 9th
The Planet Crashes - VVS, Team: Han Yul, Rap
Second Eliminations - Placed 6th
Concept Songs - Winter's Tale, Team: Placed 4th
Third Eliminations - Placed 19th
STAR MAKER REMIXED - Across The Sky by Illusion, Team: Won, Feel Special by TWICE, Lost
Final - Placed 6th

Relationships[]

(A/N: Current status is from Junmi's perspective, not from the other person's perspective.)

Park Junmi's Relationships
Status	Person	Notes
💝 Crush	Jang Rui	Rui was not acknowledged by Junmi as his "best friend" until 2022, though the two have been training together since 2019. Junmi developed a crush on Rui in 2023.
💚 Close Friends	Kyler Kim	Kyler became Junmi's friend during Star Maker X 101.
💚 Close Friends	Nam Hye	Hye became Junmi's friend during Star Maker X 101.
💙 Friends	Min Taylor	Taylor became Junmi's friend during Star Maker X 101. Junmi feels brotherly towards Taylor.
🤎 Acquaintances	Han Yul	Yul and Junmi were paired together in one of the rounds of Star Maker X 101. Yul was taught rap from Junmi.
🤎 Acquaintances	Lee Yunmin	Yunmin became aquaintances with Junmi during Star Maker X 101.
🖤 Complicated	Ahn Minhui	Minhui was seen as a best friend by Junmi until mid-2018. Despite the two of them having talked out their problems in 2020, Minhui is still a point of stress for Junmi, and he cannot bring himself to fully consider her his friend.

Discography[]

2024
	Album	Type	Release Date
	BROADCASTING LIVE FROM THE SPIRAL	Album	June 1st, 2024

Extra Facts[]

As revealed in the livestream held by Star Maker X 101's top ten after the first eliminations, Junmi has a British accent when he speaks English. This is due to the English-Korean school he attended having a surprising amount of people with connections to the UK, and his main English teacher being from England.
Junmi has a slight aversion to any sort of physical contact, and often flinches at it, even if it's as small as someone tapping his shoulder. Despite this, Junmi's platonic love language is touch, and this aversion fades around people Junmi is close with. Junmi rarely initiates any physical contact, so when he does, it means that person is important to him.
Junmi is good at girl group dances due to being in his school's dance crew.